


Had a voice

by Shadowsof_thenight



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Eventual Fluff, F/M, Mental Illness, PTSD, death of a family member, injuries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-04-04
Packaged: 2019-10-05 13:53:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 49,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17326241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowsof_thenight/pseuds/Shadowsof_thenight
Summary: For two years you had let others dictate your every move. Dictate your time, your friends, your work. Everything, literally. And for the life of you, you could not understand why you'd done so.Now, here you were. In a beautiful but still strange city that had never become your own. And you were all alone. It was time to take back your life.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> At the beginning of this story, I feel obligated to say that it will be slow burn! Seriously.  
> The first few chapters focus mostly on the reader and her newfound friendship with some of the avengers. Bucky won't really show up until later, so naturally the relationship between him and reader will not be for a while either. 
> 
> This prologue is really just an explanation of how reader got to where she is now.

This wasn't love, you thought. It couldn't be. Love wasn't supposed to feel like this. This painful. It shouldn't be this hard to keep it. And it should not cost you yourself. He wasn't in love with you at all. You knew that now. He just feared being alone. You wished you'd found out much sooner than you did. Before you had given him all you had to give. 

As you looked at the old pictures of the two of you, a tear fell from your eyes. You wiped it away quickly. He didn't deserve your tears. Nor your heart, mind and soul. He deserved no part of you at all. And you deserved so much better than he would or could ever be. 

With one last glance at the apartment you loved so much, you slung your weekend-bag over your shoulder and grabbed the handle of your suitcase. A long, loud sigh left your lips as you opened the front door and walked out, into the street. 

Your stomach was in turmoil, as you looked around at all the familiar places and faces around you. You had come to feel comfort in the familiarity of this street. That feeling when you came home after a long gruelling day of work, to see those familiar landmarks that signalled you were nearly home. Even when everything else was hard. The street, with all it's shops and people, had been the same. Busy and predictable. The people knew you. They greeted you cheerfully, whenever they ran into you. They happily greeted you now as well. Though some raised an eyebrow to your luggage, in an unspoken question that you had no intention of answering. You simply didn't know how. 

These people were not your friends, as kind as they had been. They were his people. And still, they had been all you had known in this city. After all, you had moved here for him. Two years ago...

Two years ago you had dropped everything and everyone in your life, to be with him. To be his crutch as it turned out. And in those two years you had not ventured outside of his circle.  
For two years you had let him dictate your every move. Dictate your time, your friends, your work. Everything, literally. And for the life of you, you could not understand why you'd done so. 

Now, here you were. In a beautiful but still strange city that had never become your own. And you were all alone. 

You had thought about going home, but had discarded the idea quickly. At least for the time being. This gorgeous city deserved a real chance. To become your home, to show you all it's beauty.  
Besides, going home right now felt like failure. You weren’t ready for that. Failure was not an option at this point. You needed to keep going. Find yourself again. 

It wasn’t as if there was much to go home too anyway. You had no living relatives left and you'd lost touch with all your old friends. As does happen to many people after college, but still, you now wished you had made more of an effort. Perhaps you would not have been this alone, right now if you had. Not as lonely as you felt right now. 

Oh well, you thought, it was too late for that now. And there was no solution in regret. So you straightened your shoulders, took a deep steadying breath and moved on towards the nearest subway station. 

As you got out of the train and walked up the stairs, unto the street, you took out your phone. The hostel you had booked a room in, should be close. Just off Broadway. They'd had single rooms for a good price. It was all you could afford at this point, while you looked for a new job. 

When you had decided to leave his lying, cheating, controlling ass behind, you'd decided you wanted nothing off him. Including the job he had arranged for you. You had not particularly enjoyed the job, but now you wondered if perhaps you should've held onto the job until a new one had been lined up. Again, it was too late to change it now and you would soldier on. 

You quickly found your way unto west 63rd street and sighed in relief that you were there at last. 

You checked in and quickly made your way to the 13th floor. Upon entering your room, you placed your bag onto the desk and put your suitcase in an upright position next to it.  
The room was very small, but you didn't need to share it with anyone and that was enough for you for now.  
Dropping down on the bed, you let out another deep sigh, closing your eyes. You promised yourself to just rest your eyes for a minute. Just one minute and then you would go out and find yourself a job. 

Three hours later, you woke up with a start as people walked by your room laughing deafeningly loud. You picked up your phone to check the time and groaned. No more job searching today. It was already half past six and your stomach grumbled loudly. Rubbing the sleep from your eyes, you got up from the bed and snatched your key before walking out of your room and into a nearby bathroom.  
There you splashed water in your face, before walking back to your room and grabbing a jacket and a purse that held your phone and wallet. Time to find yourself some food and perhaps look around the neighbourhood for companies looking to hire. That would speed up the job-searching process of tomorrow. 

You quickly found a fastfood restaurant and ordered a menu before sitting down to eat. Your hungry stomach was thankful, but you made a mental note to look for healthier options in the area. Cooking would not be an option for a while. And fastfood would not agree with you so well, if you had to eat it days in a row.  
For now you were content. For now, this was good enough.

You were still tired and a little scared of what was ahead for you.  
Today you would allow the fear. Tomorrow you would squash it.  
You had too.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life is really only just beginning for you. And with that comes the most dreaded job search.

The next morning you groaned loudly at the sound of your alarm. The sun was peeking through the curtains and you knew you had to get up. Still sleep had been such a nice reprieve and you wished it had lasted just a little longer.  
You knew you had to get moving if you wanted to change and better your current situation. Only you could change it now, nobody else. And nobody else had any say in how you went about this.  
For the first time in a long time, you were solely responsible. You were your own person. Nobody was telling you what to do. In a few days that would probably become frighting, but for now it was exhilarating. 

And so you got up of the bed and grabbed the clothes you had laid out the night before, taking your room-key and walking towards the nearest free bathroom. Today you were going to find yourself a job. Preferably a job you liked, but anything would do at this point. You really just wanted to go about getting it yourself. You were confident that this would work. 

It took you three hours to even find companies that were looking for employees and they would only accept digital letters. A little disheartened and hungry, you went and bought yourself a salad and a paper. Perhaps the paper could help you. You took a seat on one of the benched in time square and began flipping through the paper.  
You circled a few things, but were quickly losing your confidence. Most places asked experience and diploma's. You had neither. At least not the experience required. 

You knew you would have to start small, build something for yourself, but you no idea where to start. You had forgotten what you even really liked to do. For too long, you had ignored your own instincts. Your own passions. You would have to find them again. But first you needed a job to pay your bills. To have food, a roof over your head and perhaps even healthcare, you know, small stuff. 

*** 

You had looked at a job flipping burgers, but you had been told you were too old and too expensive. You had checked with book stores, but there weren't many vacancies there. You had tried toy stores, but they too thought of you as too expensive. Eventually you went to an employment agency and asked them to put your name in their files. That was days ago now and you had not heard back from them. 

Two weeks had passed since you left the relative safety of your faulty relationship and right now you wished you hadn't. You had nothing to fall back on and nothing to move towards. Life was kicking you in the shins and you were at your wits end. The past two days you had spend simply walking around. You didn't truly look around any more, you just walked. Disheartened by the whole job search. Convinced nobody wanted you. 

It wasn't until you ran into someone on west 51st street that you even looked up at your surroundings. 

“I am so sorry” you exclaimed and looked into the kind eyes of a small redhead. She smiled and offered you her hand to pull you up off the ground. 

“I wasn't looking at where I was going, I'm really sorry” you said again and she smiled once more.

“Neither was I, I was preoccupied with my tickets” she said holding up her theatre tickets. You looked to the side and nodded. You had somehow walked all the way to the Gershwin Theatre. A place you loved, but had not been in a while. 

“Nice,” you smiled, “what are you seeing?” 

“Oh, I'm not. Unfortunately just picking these up for a friend. But they are to wicked” she said still smiling, “Are you okay?” she added, looking you over for any injuries. 

“I am fine. A big klutz like me can take a little fall on the street” you chuckled before adding, “ That's a good one” pointing to the tickets. 

“So I've been told. Perhaps I should find out for myself” the redhead said. 

“You really should” you smiled and extended your hand, “ I'm Y/N.”

“Wanda” she said and shook your hand briefly. For a moment you stared at each other a little awkwardly. Then Wanda looked at her watch and gasped. 

“Sorry, I have to go. Sorry for knocking you over” she said and you laughed. 

“I can take it” you said and waved as she rushed off. Leaving you to look at the posters that hung outside the theatre. Staring at the black and green poster from Wicked, you almost missed the little notice to the side. 

'Help wanted'

Almost. You had almost kept walking if it had not been for the girl. You smiled as you tried to door and upon finding it open, you walked inside. Asking the first employee you saw, about the vacancy they had. They kindly directed you to the people in charge and before you knew it, they asked for your CV and planned an interview.

Elated you left the building a little later. An interview. That was the closest you had gotten in all those weeks. In three days you would get to explain just why they should hire you. Walking towards the hostel, you felt like there was a skip in your steps. This had given you new found hope, that everything would work itself out. And you had three days to prepare. 

***

Those days were spend with reading online tips and tricks for a good interview and perfecting the outfit you were going to wear. Looking presentable was important after all. Or at least that's what your parents had always said. Along with; a good preparation was half the work. 

And turned out that it was indeed half the work. You felt confident going into the interview and the conversation had gone swimmingly. You got a call the next day saying you got the job. You could start the next week. 

With a sigh of content you had dropped down on the bed after that call. This was just what you needed. It had been two and a half weeks since you dropped everything and while you had significant savings, it scared you that you were going through them so swiftly, without any new income. Next week that would change. Next week you would have income again. One you had procured for yourself. Nobody had helped you in any way. This was something you did all on your own and it made you incredibly happy. 

***

In the end it all seemed to be going so easily, it made you a little suspicious. The past few years, nothing had really gone your way. At least not this easily. But the job was good and you decided to not look a gift horse in the mouth.  
It only took you another two weeks to get into a bit of a groove at work. You quickly got a handle on the computer system that controlled the sales part and you got on a first name basis with many of your co-workers. Everyone had been really nice. Even better, not one of them seemed to have ever heard of your ex, Daniel. He was not involved in any way in your life at this point. That gave you a sense of safety that you had not even realised you had missed. 

“Y/N” the voice of your manager, Jenny, called out that afternoon and you set down the broom as you walked towards her. 

“Yes?” you asked with a smile as she looked around a little distracted. 

“Tonight is a full house and Tammy called in sick. Can you manage the cloakroom?” she asked you and you quickly nodded. So far you had been doing every single low level job in the theatre and Jenny had already mentioned that she was content with your work ethic. This was an opportunity to show her you could help out in a crisis. Surely the cloakroom wasn't a management job, but it got crazy sometimes and you would show her how calm you could remain. 

“Thanks, you will work with Maggie and Tom” Jenny told you and you just nodded. Maggie and Tom had been really nice to you, so this would be a fun evening. 

By the time it was 6.30, half the cloakroom was already full and you were running back and forth with your co-workers. It was busy and would not light up for another 20 minutes at least.  
You were barely seeing any of the faces of the visitors, until one of them said your name. 

“Y/N, hi” the voice said a little surprised and you quickly looked up, a little shocked. Who would know you here? Before you stood the redhead you had briefly met a few weeks ago . You were very surprised that she still remembered your name. 

“Wanda, good to see you. Giving it a try I see” you replied with a smile as you took her jacket from her and hanging it away, returning with a numbered card. 

“Yes, my friend said it was really good so I figured I'd have to see it for myself.” Wanda replied. 

“You won't regret it.” you said as you took the coat of the person next in line, hanging it next to Wanda's. 

“I'm sure I won't.” Wanda replied. 

“Have fun!” you said and she turned around with a small wave and a smile. You didn't have time to see where she went too or who she was with, as the next person was already pushing their coat in your hands. 

A few hours later you walked out of the theatre with sore feet and a painful back. You sighed a little, knowing you had forgotten your metro-card and you would have to walk the 20 minutes to your room. Not only did you hate walking that far at night, you had not done the much needed investigating of the area. Was it even safe to walk? 

About two blocks into your walk, your name was called and this time you recognised the voice of Wanda immediately. 

“Hi.” you said, turning towards the bar on your left. She was sitting at a small table, a drink in hand. You weren't sure why she kept talking to you, but you weren't too concerned. You knew nobody and she seemed really nice. 

“Have a drink with us” Wanda said and waved her hand towards an empty chair. You looked at your watch and wondered if it was a good idea. You had to work again tomorrow. Although, there was no matinee show. You would not have to get up too early.  
You smiled and took a seat, ordering a cola for the server that was quickly by your side. 

“This is my friend Bruce” she said and you shook his hand.

“I'm Y/N. Nice to meet you.” 

“Nice to meet you too” He offered a kind smile, which you returned. 

“How was the play?” you asked them and while Wanda became giddy, Bruce sighed deeply. That was the start of a great conversation that lasted well into the night and by the time you got home, you knew your would surely regret it in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now since the last chapter was a prologue, this should be chapter one, but since the website adds the chapter numbers regardless, I am forgoing that. It will probably be less confusing than me adding a different number each time.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wanda and you play tourist for a day and get to know each other better.

“So, where would you like to go?” Wanda asked you, as she picked you up from the hostel. 

“Not really sure. What do you think I have to see?” you asked, feeling a little silly, but hoping you were masking it properly. Up until her text, half an hour earlier, you had completely forgotten about agreeing to explore New York with Wanda. Therefore you had done none of your intended research on things you wanted to see. Usually you were prepared for things. You'd do research, make lists and now you just didn't know what to do without it. 

As soon as she had texted, you remembered her late night promise to show you the city. And you remembered setting a time and date. However, the week had been busy and you had completely forgotten. You hadn't had much time off since you started working at the theatre and this week, you felt it. On Wednesday you had not been on the roster and you just slept, all day long. Apparently you had needed it. 

Today, Saturday, was your first weekend off, since you started working at the theatre about a month ago. And Wanda had promised, baring any emergencies with her job, that she would show you around. 

You had not seen or spoken to Wanda since that night in the bar. Apparently she had gone on a mission, she had called it, but it was all hush hush. And you didn't like to pry. You also hated to admit that you had no idea what her job was. She had been very interested in you and you felt like you failed in returning that gesture. 

“Let's cover the basics first.” Wanda said with a smile and she grabbed your hand, pulling you with her towards Broadway. There she stopped to talk to a vendor and as soon as he pointed her in a direction she pulled you with her again. 

Not much further, she stopped and you stood next to her confused. Wanda had a twinkle in her eyes that didn't seem to bode well. She appeared to be up to something mischievous and you didn't know her well enough to know what to expect. 

“Here we are” she said with a bright smile, looking up at the big red bus before them. 

“You wanted me to see this bus?” you asked incredulous. 

“No we're getting on it silly. Let me buy us some tickets.” Wanda said before walking over to a salesman. A few minutes later she came back with a 48 hour bus ticket for the hop on hop off bus. 

“It includes a night tour, which it really good. So I hope you don't have plans tonight?” Wanda chuckled a little giddy. 

“Nope, no plans” you said, not bothering to mention the fact that you know only her in this city. Or, more precisely, her and your ex. Now he was not likely to spend an evening with you. 

Wanda grabbed your hand and pulled you aboard the bus. You followed her to the upper deck and she took a seat near the back, you following her suit. 

As the bus began moving and many people started plugging in their earplugs, Wanda began telling you about everything you were seeing. She had little historic snippets to add to all the iconic buildings and streets and also mentioned things that you should explore at another time.   
She mentioned going into the empire state building and enjoying the view from the top. And the cruise that would give a wonderful view of Manhattan from the water. 

She also made you promise that you would take a bike ride with her through central park and you explore Brooklyn together at a later date. She mentioned she had some great people to do a guided tour there. 

“How long have you been in New York?” you asked Wanda as you both got out of the bus at the exit for Ellis Island and the statue of Liberty. This was one thing she really wanted to show you today. She had mentioned being a history buff and seeing as you were one too, this was a must see. 

“It's been a few years now” Wanda said a little vague.

“Where are you from?” you asked her and she looked a little confused, before seemingly shaking it off. 

“Sokovia” she replied and your eyes grew big. 

“I'm sorry. I...I didn't to bring up bad memories” you said quickly and looked down at your hands.

“You really have no idea who I am do you?” she suddenly asked with a small chuckle and you just shook your head confused. 

“I'm Wanda Maximoff” She began and the name did spark some recognition you, “the scarlet witch” Wanda added and suddenly it all fell into place. 

“You're an avenger...” you stated, feeling stupid now. You should have recognised her before. Somehow you simply didn't match the happy girl you met, with the powerful avenger you had heard about in the news. For a few minutes you stood in silence, as you waited in line for tickets to the boat. 

“Wait, so I met the hulk?” you suddenly exclaimed and Wanda could not help but laugh. 

“Yes, you did” she replied.

“He seemed so calm, collected,” you muttered and again Wanda laughed. 

“He is, most of the time” she winked at you, before turning towards the lady in the sales booth and buying two tickets. As you switched one cue for the next you fired questions at Wanda about who she is, who she was and how she became an avenger. She patiently answered all of it. Explaining that she and her brother had wanted to stop the avengers at first. And how Clint had helped her see the light. She mentioned an anger that consumed her and you had trouble understanding that this happy, kind woman could have been such an angry girl. 

“When did you get your powers?” you suddenly asked and Wanda grew more quiet. 

“Let's call that a collection of misguided actions, which led to this end result” she said and you just nodded, accepting that this was something Wanda was not willing to speak off. You had been surprised by how candid she had been so far. After all, you barely knew each other. 

“Why did you ask me to join you at the bar?” you then asked and she looked taken aback.

“Should I not have?” she wondered, eyeing you curiously.

“No, it's just...you don't know me” you said meekly. 

“Well, I was trying to change that” Wanda said kindly. 

“Yes, but why?” you wondered again. It just seemed so outlandish. You weren't usually the kind of person that attracted people at first glance. Which wasn't a bad thing necessarily. You had always done just fine, making friends. At least before you met Daniel. You just didn't shine or sparkle or...well you didn't draw people in like some do.

“I don't know, I just, get a feeling with people sometimes.” Wanda explained with a shrug. 

“A feeling?” you frowned. 

“Yes, something told me you were worth getting to know” she said with a kind smile, which you returned. As strange as it seemed to you, it was really nice. And you surely were grateful. 

As you got on the boat a little later, the serious atmosphere had vanished and you were back to being tourists. Which consisted of enjoying the view, taking selfies and discussing everything you wanted to see next.   
When you got off the boat you quickly collected the audio tours and began walking around the Statue of liberty. You unfortunately could not go in the statue and visit the top. Access was restricted, but it did not quell your enjoyment of it all. 

After a good 45 minutes, you walked back towards the dock and took a boat to Ellis Island. Here you spend a lot of time reading up on the history of the place. Both deeply impressed by the personal stories that were broadcasted in some rooms. 

After Ellis Island you went back to the bus and enjoyed going around the entire downtown line, before stepping out near the empire state building. There you bought tickets to go up and you enjoyed letting the wind sweep your hair wildly around your faces. For some reason, being up so high felt freeing, even though the balcony was practically a cage. 

For the past hour or so much of the conversation had been about things like movie-stars and celebrity gossip. Silly things to laugh about. You had been laughing so hard at one of Wanda's impressions that your side hurt, when the look on her face showed she wanted to ask you something more serious. 

You just raised an eyebrow in an unspoken question, signalling it was safe to ask. Worst case, you did not like the question and you would inform her of that. Best case, her question was not at all serious or deeply personal. With your luck though, it probably was.

“Besides Daniel, why did you leave home?” she asked softy. By now you had left the building and were strolling along the street. 

“I...I'm not sure really,” you began timidly, “I guess there wasn't much left for me to stay”.

“Why not?” 

“Both my parents had died by then and many of my friends had left for college and never came back.” you said shrugging. 

“I'm sorry. How did they die?” Wanda asked softly placing a hand on your arm. 

“My dad, he died years before. He was an army captain, stationed in Irak.” you said, not really sure if you wanted to elaborate on that. Wanda didn't push the subject any further. She just watched you with a sympathetic look in her eyes. 

“Mom, she...well I don't think she ever really recovered from that. And then she got sick in my last year of college.” 

“Wow, I'm sorry” Wanda said softly. She was no stranger to heart ache, and she genuinely felt for you. 

“It's...thanks.” you mumbled, looking down to the ground. 

“What did you do?” Wanda then asked, feeling that there was more to the story, that would help her understand you better. 

“I dropped out to take care of her. Met Daniel around that time. He was visiting someone in town and we hit it off quickly. He was really sweet at first.” you said smiling ruefully. 

“Until you moved here?” She then asked, treading carefully. 

“I don't think he ever really meant to stop being nice. It's just so different, going from long distance to living together. And his character is pretty dominant. Which I am not” you explained simply. He had hurt you, more than you thought possible. However, you did not think that he truly meant to be this cruel. Not to say his behaviour deserved much praise. He wasn't winning any awards for it. 

“No you are not.” Wanda said with a smile and you sighed. No you were not. You had been docile almost. Which did not help you or your relationship. But that was all over now. 

“Did you ever go back to school?” She then asked, changing the subject. 

“No, but hopefully someday I can finish” you smiled, truly hoping that someday, you'd be able to finish your education.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You are invited to an actual Tony extravaganza and though you want to go, it scares the living daylights out of you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been home sick for the past couple of days. Which means I can actually go behind the computer and update. So here is the next chapter.

“You have to come!” Wanda exclaimed with a smirk. 

You had been out to dinner with Wanda, when she first asked you to join her at a party. An actual Tony Stark extravaganza. Immediately you had tried to find excuses not to go. You had just begun to get back to you again. Finding a way to be yourself in small gatherings. You weren't sure if a party was really going to be for you. You never really liked big gatherings in the past. You weren't necessarily good at small talk. It made you nervous. Still, you didn't just want to say no in fear of insulting your new friend. 

“And why is that?” you therefore chuckled lightly. 

“Because, it's a party. It's going to be fun” Wanda said simply, as if that was all the encouragement anyone needed. Which was probably true for most people. At first she had seemed surprised by your declination, but the twinkle in her eyes quickly showed you that she now saw it as a challenge. One she intended to win. 

“I'm sure you'll have plenty of fun without me there” you tried with a small smile, not meeting her eyes.

“Oh come on, I want to introduce you to everyone”, Wanda began and smiled when she saw your resistance weakening, “when did you last have a party?” 

“I...” you tried to think back, but quickly realised that it had been ages since you had a party to go too. And work functions with Daniel surely didn't count. No fun to be had there. 

“See, you just have too. It'll be good for you” Wanda said, claiming her victory as you just shook your head in playful defeat. Wanda surely made it hard to deny her anything. You wondered how her other friends dealt with that. 

“When?” you started, “Where? What do I wear?” a slight panic began to form in your head as you thought of the people that would most likely attend a bash organised by Tony Stark. You weren't used to be around people as important. You were afraid you'd embarrass Wanda. To be under-dressed, to be overdressed or to just be all out wrongly dressed for the occasion. 

“Relax, I'm sure we can find you something to wear.” she said, before adding the time and place.  
You didn't reply, instead you just went over possible scenarios in your head. You needed to prepare, but you only had a few days to do so. And in the mean time you'd still have work to go too. 

“Please, don't worry, “Wanda said in a kind comforting tone, “We'll have fun. I'll be with you the whole time,” Wanda placed a hand on your arm in reassurance. 

“Sorry, it's a bit out of my comfort zone.” you said in all honesty. Wanda offered a smile and assured you once more that it would be fun. She then promised to pick you up, so you would not have to enter the venue on your own. This did give you some room to breath. 

Before long, she went online to show you what she was wearing to the bash and simultaneously look for a dress you could possibly wear. You didn't want to tell her that pretty much all of it would be to highly priced for you. You'd never had to deal with having little to no money, you'd always been okay on that front, not by any means rich, but okay. This was new and there was a small part of you that felt embarrassed. 

Then she showed you a cute black dress that was on sale. It was simple, timeless and it was something you could wear again and again in the future. While it was still a pretty penny, for you, it was something you could afford, as long as you didn't try to do this too often. Sighing inwardly you ordered it, arranging to pick it up at the post-office near the hostel. Thinking of this as an investment. Every girl needed a little black dress, right? 

When the eve of the party came around, nerves had gotten the better of you and earlier you had texted Wanda to cancel. You laid on the bed in the beautiful black dress that had arrived yesterday. It fit just right, hugging your top, before flowing out above the hips. Still it didn't give you the confidence you needed right now. 

A soft knock on the door made you jump of the bed and with your heart still hammering in your chest you went check out who was there. You weren't expecting anyone. 

“Hi there, Y/N” Wanda said with a sympathetic smile as you opened the door for her. Surprised you looked at her, not saying a word. Why was she here? Had she not gotten your text? You were about to tell her about it, when she slipped past you into the room. You closed the door behind her and sat down on the bed, looking at her expectantly. 

“I know this is out of your comfort zone.” she began as she looked into your eyes, “but I promise you that you'll be fine. Everybody is really nice and I won't leave your side, unless you explicitly tell me too” 

You chuckled a little. She really didn't take no for an answer. 

“Why do you want me to come?” you wondered. It still amazed you that she had become such a good friend in such little time. 

“Because I like you. We have fun and I want you to meet some of my other friends” Wanda explained and sat down next to you, grabbing your hand in hers. 

“I know I'm pushing you. I just really don't want you to miss out on fun, because of your past” Wanda continued and you smiled. 

Was it about your past? She was probably right. Even if she wasn't, it did warm your heart that she tried so hard for you. It had been a while since anyone really wanted you anywhere. You sighed and let her pull you from the bed. She gave you a mirror and you touched up your make-up and hair, before grabbing your clutch and keycard. Time to face the music. 

***

“You must be the infamous Y/N” Tony stark said as he held out his hand for you to shake. You quickly shot a confused look at Wanda before taking his hand in yours, smiling politely. 

“She's told us so much about you, I feel like we already know you” Pepper Potts added as she offered you a kind smile. Again confusion washed over you. Wanda had already told them about you? And judging by the faces before you, her words had been kind. It should not have surprised you, of course. Wanda was a kind and gentle soul. However, with your nerves and lack of confidence today, you had not expected these kind faces. 

“Nothing bad I hope” you said, hoping that it came out jokingly and not quite so panicked.

Pepper offered you another smile before confirming it had been nothing but good words. She then asked for you and Wanda to follow her to the bar and grab a drink. You nodded and walked behind her, feeling a desire to drink more than your share. Perhaps you needed a little Dutch courage to get through this party gracefully. 

***

Despite your desire to get some courage through liquor, you had been careful. Opting for control, over courage. So far, Wanda had introduced you to Tony, Pepper, Sam and Natasha. You had also run into Bruce again, when he came to ask Natasha for a dance. Again you had been surprised by his demeanour. It just wasn't what you expected from the hulk. However, instead of dwelling on it, you had shaken his extended hand and told him it was good to see him again. 

As Bruce walked of with Natasha in tow, Wanda grabbed your hand. 

“There is someone I want you to meet,” she said excitedly and pulled you along with her, crossing the large room. When you stopped, it took some effort to keep your face in check. Before you stood someone that Wanda was most definitely in love with. Her face had told you that much. However, his looks were less than conventional. His skin was a reddish colour and on his forehead was beautiful yellow gem. He smiled kindly as he looked at you and you quickly returned it. 

“Y/N, this is Vision” she said and you held out your hand for him to shake. Although he skipped a beat, he took your hand in his and smiled brighter. 

“Nice to meet you, Y\N” he said and you smiled at him. 

“Will you dance with me?” Vision asked Wanda and you saw her look at you, before beginning to decline. Quickly you spoke up and told her to go. You'd be fine without her for a little bit. It was clear to you that she wanted to dance with him and who were you to deny her that?  
Pointing towards the bar, you began walking away. You would get yourself a new drink, while they stared lovingly into one another’s eyes. 

It was nice to see Wanda so happy and at ease, not just in the presence of Vision, but with everyone here. It was clear she knew these people well and she liked them. You wondered what it was like to have this many friends. Perhaps one day, you'd know. You smiled as you stared a little longer, before glancing around the room a little, glass in hand. 

You watched couples dancing, people talking, people eating, and more often than not people drinking, before your eyes locked with a pair of beautiful blue eyes. The gentleman those eyes belonged too had long dark auburn hair that reached just past him chin. His strong jaw was set, looking stern as he too had been scanning the room, probably looking for someone. His shoulders were raised with what looked like tension and his hands were balled into fists. 

Wait, was he wearing a glove? It took you a second to realise that it wasn't a glove and that you were staring at the winter soldier. He was an impressive form, gorgeous and he looked incredibly uncomfortable. This surprised you. Someone like him could feel this uncomfortable as well. 

You quickly looked back at his face. His jaw had softened up now, offering a small smile. Although that did not lessen the tension in the rest of his body. His whole posture said that he did not want to be here. Something you could identify with, even thought the evening had not been too bad. 

You wanted to walk over to him, instinctively feeling that you wanted to help him. Make him feel more at ease. The moment that thought crossed your mind, however, he seemed to relax as he eyes shifted to someone just beyond your view. 

Up walked the tall blond figure of the one and only Captain America. He placed a hand on the soldiers shoulder and spoke softly to him. To this the soldier you knew was called Bucky nodded, sighed in what seemed like relief and they turned around, leaving the room.

For a moment your gaze followed them, wondering why Bucky had been so tense. You usually weren’t this nosy, but the look in his eyes had stirred something in you. He seemed so troubled. There was a grief in his eyes that pierced your soul. Those blue pits held so many emotions. 

It took you a moment to shake them and to register that the song had ended and Vision and Wanda had been standing near you. She was now looking at you with a frown on her face. You'd noticed she did that when your feelings and emotions overwhelmed her a little. She always tried to stay out of your head, as she did with everyone, but sometimes there was no escaping feelings and thoughts that seemed to scream at her. 

You felt a blush creep unto your cheeks, but much to your relief Wanda didn't say anything as she motioned towards the dance floor. You paused, you had always liked dancing. Even if you were terrible at it. Perhaps that could ease your nerves a little. So you nodded in agreement and you both set off, dancing the night away.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the party those blue eyes wont leave you alone.

The first two weeks after the party, you thought of those blue eyes often. And the pain that was hidden inside. Wondering if Wanda would ever bring up what she had gathered from your thoughts. Much to your happiness though, she did not. Sometimes, however, you would catch her staring at you. Especially when you tried not to think about him in her presence. You'd blush and cast your eyes down, not sure what to say in those moments. Dreaming of a man you knew nothing about felt pretty embarrassing.  
After those two weeks, your initial interest in the man did simmer down a little. Meaning, you were able to keep him from your mind around Wanda. Sparing her those thoughts. 

You smiled as you walked down the streets, on your way to work. After all these months, your job still did not bore you. And life was giving you a skip in your steps again. You had forgotten just what that felt like. It had been a long time since you had been content with life. 

Of course it did help that you had friends now. Plural. Ever since the party, you had seen several of the people you met there, again and again. A standing lunch every other week with Pepper, Natasha and Wanda was soon the highlight of you time. You would look forward to those days in advance.  
It was always fun. And now that you were all getting to know each other, the conversations were getting deeper. 

As you walked into the theatre, still with a smile on your features, you were quickly pulled aside by Jenny. For a short second your smile faltered, wondering what could be wrong. After all, the trial period of your contract was nearly up. But the smile came back when you looked into the kind eyes of your boss. She didn't seem like the bearer of bad news, nor did she appear angry at all. 

“What's up?” you inquired semi calmly. 

“We've got some empty seats and a critic coming.” She said with a smile. She seemed happy to say this, which confused you. 

“Right?” you replied confused, not sure what this meant for you. 

“I keep forgetting you don't work here that long yet,” she chuckled, before adding, “we like to have a full house when that happens” 

“Okay, what can I do?” you said, going into work mode, wanting to avert any possible crisis. 

“Find a few people to fill seats?!” she said, raising her eyebrows in question. Smile again etched into her features. She seemed happy to offer you this opportunity. There weren't many evenings where you dealt with empty seats, this was a very popular show. Jenny explained that whenever it did happen, they tried to alternate the person filling them. This time it was your chance to invite friends. 

“I can try some people” you said, eager to help out. Hoping to look good for the boss. Secretly jumping with happiness that you actually had friends to invite. 

Jenny informed you to bring four people, before going back to work. Leaving you behind, with a massive grin on your face. Quickly grabbing your phone, you sent Wanda a text. Telling her about the tickets at your disposal and if she might know anyone to give them too. 

Within seconds she had replied that she loved seeing the show again, and she would find three others to join her. Only if you promised to get drinks with the group afterwards. You had no problem agreeing to those terms, drinks sounded like fun. Especially since you had a day off tomorrow. You would not have to worry about getting up early. 

You were showing people to their seats, when you saw Wanda coming you way. As the people you had been helping took their place in the row, you quickly turned to your friend with a bright smile.   
She showed you her tickets with a smirk, giving you an excuse to talk to her for a little bit. 

“This way miss” you smiled and she signalled to someone behind you to follow. You quickly turned to glance behind you and froze. Turning back to Wanda, you met her smirk and know she was up to no good. 

“you...” you uttered, rendered speechless. She looked back at you quasi innocent and shrugged. You took a deep breath and turned back to the three avengers that now had walked up to the two of you. 

“Hi there. Good to see you again Vision. How are you doing” you said, focussing on the least intimidating man of the three. He smiled kindly and gave you a small reprieve by keeping the conversation going shortly. You wondered if he sensed your discomfort, but figured he was just genuinely interested in hearing from you. After all you had heard about him from the girls, that was the safest assumption. 

Eventually you were forced to acknowledge the other two in the small company and with a fake, bright smile etched on your face, you hoped you at least appeared in control of yourself when you extended your hand to the men before you. 

“Hi, I’m Y/N. Thank you for coming” you said, speaking faster than you normally would. 

“Thanks for inviting us, Y/N. I'm Steve,” said the man you knew as captain America. He shook your hand shortly, a kind smile on his features. When he let go of your hand, you turned to last person and knew your smile became more forced. Not because you did not want to see him, but he made you nervous. He was even more gorgeous up close and you hoped your hand wasn't too clammy as he shook it. 

“Bucky” he simply said, looking into your eyes, perhaps recognizing you from the party. You nodded and showed them which seats were theirs. 

“I'm really glad you guys could make it on such short notice” you said again, smiling genuinely now. They all just nodded and sat down, as you walked away quickly. A blush had made it's way to your cheeks and you could feel sweat forming on your body. One of the wonderful reactions you had to anxiety. To took a few deep breaths, before helping other people find their seats. As soon as all seats were filled you quickly left the room and rushed to the nearest toilets. You splashed water in your face and took a few more calming breaths. You were startled when the door opened and Jenny walked in, beaming at you.

“if I had known you knew the avengers, I might have asked this much earlier” she said jokingly, before looking at you with some concern. You knew you looked a little dishevelled. 

“I...I know Wanda,” you said, laughing a little shakily. 

“they make you nervous?” Jenny wondered.

“Wouldn't they make you nervous?” you replied with a chuckled, feeling your body temperature go back to normal. 

“Absolutely, but you seemed very collected” she said, explaining her surprise. 

“Good, that's what I was going for” this time Jenny chuckled, while you sighed in relief. And you dried your face and hands before you walked back into the foyer with Jenny. Time to set up for intermission. 

***

“It's really nice you meet you all” you said with a smile as you met up with all of them after the show. They had waited for you just outside the theatre, so you could walk to the bar together. They smiled or nodded and you started walking towards the bar that Wanda had suggested.   
On the way there, Wanda linked her arm with yours and she started to fill you in on what happened to her since you last saw each other. The men fell back a bit, talking amongst themselves. Giving you space to speak to each other a little. 

“Still think his eyes convey an ocean of emotions?” Wanda said after checking that they would not overhear them. 

“I never said that” you quickly said, cheeks heating up again and she laughed. 

“Perhaps not, but you were thinking it” she said, a mischievous look on her face. She was enjoying your embarrassment a little too much, you thought. 

“Is there really no way I can hide my thoughts and feelings from you?” you begged jestingly, earning yourself another chuckle from your friend. 

“Now why would you do that?” she wondered, still smirking at you. 

“To avoid embarrassment like this in the future.” you simply stated and tried to forget just how flustered you had been when you first saw who she had brought along with her. 

“And where is the fun in that?” Wanda said, feigning an innocent look on her face and you could not help but laugh with her now. 

Wanda had told you that, despite her best efforts to stay out of peoples heads, sometimes feelings and thoughts invaded her mind. It was exhausting for her. You had seen how tired she had been after the party and you knew she would stay out of she could. That's why you joked about this with her, instead of getting angry.   
Her reading your thoughts was invasive and felt wrong somehow, but you couldn't really blame her for it. She had never before confronted you with your thoughts, unless you brought them up to her. 

***

“How did you and Wanda meet?” Steve wondered as he sat down on a stool next to you, Bucky in tow. You were leaning on the bar, waiting for the drinks you had just ordered. Everyone had been really nice to you and you were slowly losing the anxiety that had attacked you earlier that evening. 

“I ran into her” you said with a smile, thinking back to that day all those months ago. Sometimes you were still shocked just how much time had passed since then. 

“you ran into her?” Bucky asked, frowning a little. 

“Literally” you said, looking at them and shrugging. Best they knew right away how clumsy you could be. Steve and Bucky chuckled. 

“Sounds like Wanda.” Bucky said with a smile. This earned him a tap to the back of his head from Wanda. Bucky laughed loudly at this. Wanda shrugged and smiled innocently. 

“It might have been my fault though...actually I'm quite sure it was,” you said with a smile, “ I might just be a little clumsy sometimes. Okay, all the time.” you admitted, you face solemn. This earned you laughter from the others and you could not help but join in. 

“Soulmates” Wanda exclaimed and held up her drink for you to clink yours with. Which you quickly did with a smile. 

“Please tell me that does not reflect her abilities during missions.” you joked as you looked at the men feigning seriousness. 

***

“So what do you think now?” Wanda asked as she stood with you at the door of the hostel. Then men were waiting at the beginning of the street for you to say your goodbyes. 

“I still think there is a lot of hidden inside that brain of his” you answered honestly. The night had been fun and everyone had laughed a lot. Yet this did not shake the feeling that Bucky had a massive amount of sadness inside of him. 

“Oh I'm certain there is. The question is, do you want to unravel it?” Wanda asked inquisitively. 

“Has there ever been a girl that said no to that?” you wondered with a chuckle. As far as you knew, girls liked a mystery. Especially if that mystery was wrapped up in such an impressive looking man. 

“Haven't asked that many girls” she chuckled and you shook you head with a smile. She was really pushing this and would not let you off without answering her. 

“He is really good looking and he seems nice too,” you said honestly, looking back to the three figures at the end of the street. 

“He is.” she said with a smile. 

“And he seems conflicted about something.” you then added softly. 

“Yeah, that too” Wanda agreed, without getting into specifics. You were certain she knew exactly what he was conflicted about, but she had no intention of telling you or anyone else. Just as you were certain she would never tell anyone about the things she got from your chaotic brain.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you get a call in the middle of the night, everything changes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoping you like this. i'll keep updating a few chapters each weekend until we've caught up with the chapters on tumblr. After that it will be one a week.   
> On tumblr I have just posted chapter thirteen. just so you guys know that....

Sighing loudly, you fell down on the bed. It was another late night and your feet and back were hurting from standing too long. Clean up had taken significantly longer than usual and you had been feeling run down as it was. The extra hours had not helped matters by any means. 

You felt a gag come up as you thought back to the lovely surprise that one of the guests had left in one of the bathrooms. Apparently someone had thought that going to the theatre piss drunk was a good idea. You were glad that they had not disturbed the show, however the clean up in said bathroom had been gruesome. 

Using your left foot, you pushed the shoe of your right foot, before reversing the action. Your feet practically screamed as you placed them on a pillow, elevating them slightly. They would surely be sore in the morning, but the elevation might help a bit. A tiny bit, but some nonetheless.   
You gave yourself a few more minutes before getting up again to go and brush your teeth. It took some convincing but eventually you pushed yourself off the bed and put on flip-flops to limp to the nearest bathroom. As you did you reminded yourself that this would only take a few minutes and then sleep would finally be on the table for you. The pillow on your bed was practically screaming your name. And sure enough, as soon as your head hit the pillow, sleep overcame you. 

Your phone rang, loudly, waking you from a deep slumber. Groggily you grabbed it from the floor next to your bed and checked who it was. The blocked number gave you no clues, but it intrigued you enough to sit up straight. You rubbed the sleep from your eyes and cleared your throat, before finally answering the call. 

A female voice, you had not heard before, explained she was from reception. There was a man in the lobby to see you. Before you could've asked any question the call had ended, leaving you confused. It was three in the morning, who would possibly visit at this time? This notion had you more worried that you cared to admit, even to yourself.   
You hardly knew anybody. Certainly Daniel would not look for you here, even if he bothered to find you at all. And after giving it a little more thought you could not imagine anyone, let alone a man, would actually visit you at this late hour. Apart from the avengers, you hardly met anyone, and they had no reason to visit you. Apart from a few, they barely knew you. 

Still you put on some sweats and slippers, before walking to the elevator and pressing down. When the elevator dinged at the ground floor, you anxiously waited for the doors to open fully. They were going at a painstakingly slow rate and worry was gnawing at your insides, worry over who could be waiting for you. As the doors were finally fully open, you practically jumped out and found your way to the dimly lit reception area. 

For a moment you were struck though, frozen in your steps, as you saw before you the tall and intimidating figure of none other that Captain America. A frown found its way on your face as you approached him silently. His back still turned to you, you noticed he was speaking in hushed tones to someone on the phone. 

“I'm here now” you heard him say and you cleared your throat, trying to get his attention. You did not want to eavesdrop, nor did you want to wonder any longer why he was here. In this place you called home, for the time being. 

He hung up and turned around to face you. You began to form a smile on your lips, but it died quickly as you noticed the look in his eyes. A lump quickly formed in your throat. You'd seen that look before, years ago. It never meant good news. 

Your knees buckled as fear took over your motor-functions. You began to feel weak and took a seat on a simple chair that was placed near the wall. From your seat, you looked up at him expectantly. Waiting for him to speak. To explain why he came here, at this god awful hour, with such a grim look on his kind face. 

“I'm sorry to wake you,” he began apologetic, “Wanda...” he stopped and your eyes got bigger, fearing the worst. Steve seemed to notice and quickly recovered, finishing the sentence he was obviously struggling with. 

“She's injured and I thought you should know, before it's on the news” he said in soft, rushed tones and you felt your heart stop for moment. One single moment the world stood still as you let his words sink in. You didn't even notice you held your breath, until you were gasping for air in a silent sob. Wanda was your friend. The only person that you really had in this world. And she was injured. Badly enough for it to be on the news soon. A simple bump on the head of an avenger was not newsworthy. 

“How bad is it?” you whispered as you looked up to meet his eyes. Steve's shoulders dropped and he slowly moved towards you, dropping to to his knees so he could look you in the eye, before answering you. 

“It might take her a while to fully recover,” his face solemn and his hand on your knee, obviously he was trying to comfort you. You took a deep breath and tried to put on a brave face as you nodded. He seemed sure that she would recover. This did give you some confidence. 

“Can I see her?” you asked and were surprised by the volume your voice now held. It was strangled, but clear and a few decibel above a whisper. It was much more than you had expected of yourself. 

“Of course. I can take you to her whenever you want” Steve said and stood up from his kneeling position in front of you. 

“now?” looking up at his eyes timidly, not sure if that was possible. The question had been a long shot but you really didn't want to go back to your room after this. You would never be able to sleep and grow sick with worry. 

“Get your things, I'll wait” Steve said, smiling reassuringly at you. You nodded, before standing up from the chair. Your knees felt slightly wobbly as you walked back to the elevator, but you made it regardless. You silently cussed at yourself. It was high time for the shock to wear off, you needed to spring into action. Preferably in a faster gear than you were going now. 

As you quickly put on jeans and a sweater, your mind raced. What would you see upon arrival at the hospital? What would you be able to do? Would they even allow you to sit with her?   
Steve promised to take you to her now, but after that? Avengers were heavily protected after all, and secretive. Rightfully so, you were sure, but did that mean they would keep you from your friend?

And would Wanda even recover? How badly was she hurt? Steve said it would take a while, but what did that mean? Days? Weeks? Months? Seriously, you needed to know just how badly she had been injured. Could it even be as bad as you were currently thinking it was? You weren't sure if there was anything you could do, but you were certain that you would try. 

With this new found resolution, you braced yourself, grabbed your purse, flung it over your shoulder and walked out of your room back to the elevator. Time to face the music and figure out just how bad the situation was. 

As you came down, Steve was pacing the lobby, anxiously waiting. You checked the time on your phone, worried you'd taken up too much of his time already. You'd managed to get ready in under ten minutes. Was that slow for super soldiers? It was definitely fast for your standards. 

“That was quick” Steve said, offering a small smile. You sighed in relief, he didn't seem irritated or angry at you for taking too long. He placed a hand on your back and directed you to his motorcycle that stood in front of the building. 

“I'm sorry,” Steve muttered looking from the bike to you and back, “I only thought about getting in town quickly. I should have taken a car”.

“It's fine” you replied. 

“Yeah?” 

He handed you a helmet and stepped on, keeping the bike steady as you climbed on the back. As soon as you were seated, he started the engine and drove off.   
The drive took a good thirty minutes, even though you were convinced he broke the speed limit several times during the drive. About halfway on your journey you realised he wasn't taking you to the tower. Instead he now stopped in front of a big building in a wooded area, just outside the city. The place was big, judging by the shadows it cast on the surrounding grounds. 

He quickly removed his helmet and waited for you to get off, before stepping off himself. Once he did, he brought his hand back to your upper back and guided you inside the large compound before you. 

As you walked through the halls, the silence overwhelmed you. To the left of you were windows, although it was pitch black outside and you saw very little through them. The the right were room. It was impossible to see what was inside through the closed doors, but no sounds were coming from them, so you imagined they were vacant. The walls were a sterile white colour and the floors were in yellows and blues. It reminded you of a hospital you had been too as a child and your hands turned clammy. You never liked hospitals. 

As you rounded a corner, you could see the rooms changed. The doors now had glass in them, showing hospital beds. Most were empty. Until beside you Steve came to a halt and you saw a room ahead with a certain red-headed occupant. She was surrounded by people and machines and your stomach dropped as you began walking towards it. 

As you entered the room, you hardly noticed anyone around you any more. You looked upon the unmoving form of your friend, your breath gets caught in your throat. Machines are beeping around her, as they monitored her vitals. She was still, too still. Almost lifeless and you felt tears forming in your eyes. Her skin was too pale and it told you that blood loss was involved. Her arms were covered in bandages, however nothing looked too severe. Her head was covered in scratches and a large bump had formed right above her temple. Wanda had been your only friend in years and now you felt her slipping away and it scared you. It scared you more than anything and you didn't know how to deal with it.   
You finally noticed the other people in the room and you looked around to see their faces. You knew most of them and their grim faces directed at Wanda did nothing to ease your worries. 

“She's heavily sedated, to give her body rest” Tony said as he took in the look on your face. He probably recognised the emotions he saw there, as was the case for most people in this room. His face told you that he was obviously trying to reassure you, but you could hardly hear a word he was saying. You were lost in your own little world and whatever was happening in there, wasn't good. That much was evident. His hand reached out to you and you jumped at the contact. Before anyone could register what was happening, you ran. Out of the room, and out of sight. Leaving behind some very stunned avengers. 

“I...” Tony began, his voice trailing off. He looked at the other occupants, possibly hoping for an explanation, but all he saw were confused faces. Clint had hardly registered any of it as he held Wanda's hand, while Steve just stared at the door you had just run through. Natasha looked at Tony with a raised eyebrows, revealing many questions she would never say out loud. And Bucky stared at the floor. 

“I'll go” Bucky then said and followed in the direction you had run off. Leaving the rest behind in a confused state of mind.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you get caught up in a panic attack and a certain soldier tries to help you.

You barely noticed where you were going, as you ran the length of the floor, before opening a door leading to a stairwell. Hardly skipping a beat, you took them two at a time going up, not even sure where you were going. All you knew was that you had to get away, as the panic washed over you. It had been a long time since panic had come over you such as it was now. And you had foolishly thought you had been over it. Now as it felt heavier than ever and you wanted to scream and tear out your hair. You wanted to revolt against the feeling inside you. To lash out at it, push it back down. Yet, as it took over your mind, it was as if all of that was impossible. Your body, nor you mind, wanted to listen. So you ran, as fast as you could. With no plan, or direction for that matter. 

When your legs nearly gave out from exhaustion, you looked around and saw you were now on the 4th floor of the building. You had run up several floors and you were slightly surprised by your own stamina. Opening the door to the hallway, you saw many people in white lab-coats scurrying in and out of rooms. The hustle and bustle of the floor stopped you dead in your tracks. 

The hallway was busy, too busy, and you just wanted to be alone. So you did the only thing you could think off. You opened the first door to your right and walked in. It turned out to be a supply closet and you sighed deeply, trying to get control of your ragged breathing. When that didn't seem possible, you sat down on the cold floor of the darkened room. You figured there had to be a light switch somewhere, but you had not intention of getting up again to search for it. Darkness was fine.   
Your breath came out in irregular jolts, hurting your lungs. Wrapping your arms around your legs you made yourself as small as you could, trying to calm yourself down. 

You tried to focus on your breathing, in and out, in and out, but it was of no use. Your mind was too jumbled and erratic. Thoughts ran wild and memories flashed, as tears streamed down your cheeks. Pain took a hold in you and there was no escaping it now. So you did the only thing you could think of in this state, the only thing you could muster honestly, you stayed on that floor. All huddled up and sobbing. 

You weren't sure how long you sat there, when the door opened again. Refusing to look up you trying to ignore whoever had just come in. Perhaps they would leave you alone, that was all you really wanted at this point. 

Whoever is was did not turn on the light, instead the person sighed and sat down beside you, not saying a word. Despite you keeping your eyes forward, you noticed that the figure next to you was big. Tall and wide. And male. His presence was hard to ignore. Especially when he placed a hand on your back and began rubbing circles in slow deliberate motions, calming you.   
Still, you made no attempt to see who it was, it really didn't matter right now. Soon you could feel your breath coming out in more regular intervals and your heartbeat slowed down significantly. 

When, a good twenty minutes later, you finally felt more in control of your body, you risked a sideways glance. Beside you sat the tall dark figure of Bucky. His blue eyes were locked on your face and a small encouraging smile formed on his features when your eyes met his. 

“Hi” he said and the arm that was behind your back wrapped around your shoulders as he pulled you into a gentle sidehug. 

As the panic attack eased itself out of your system, the tears came back, temporarily taking your vision as they streamed down your face. He didn't look surprised. Almost as if he had been prepared for the tears that followed the panic. Boldly, you laid your head on his chest as sobs heaved through your body. Bucky used his other arm to pull you closer, letting you cry out the tears, again not saying a single word as you did so. 

By the time you had calmed down a little, your mind was already in overdrive with embarrassment. You were afraid to even look at the man next to you, who still had his arms wrapped around you. He barely knew you and here you were, sobbing endlessly on his chest. 

“Sorry” you said softly, looking down at your hands as your fingers of your left hand were picking at your right. When you didn't get a reply, you looked up at his face. A soft smile was still present there. 

“Nothing to be sorry for” he said and you quuickly looked back at your now clammy, shaky hands. 

“You had a panic attack in the face of something bad” Bucky continued, “That is nothing to apologise for”.

“I...I should be stronger by now” you said feeling weak. 

“Because you've been here before” he stated and you nodded. Realisation washed over Bucky and he relaxed against the wall behind him. His arms were still around you, thus pulling you with him.

He was silent for a long time and you wondered what he was thinking. You'd just told him that reacted out of a past trauma. You rarely told anyone about your past. It wasn't exactly something to bring up in light conversation. Still it seemed that he wasn't shocked by your admission and you realised that past trauma was something he might just understand all too well. 

“Who?” he asked softly, his thumb began rubbing circles on your arm. 

“My parents” your voice was hoarse and tour throat hurt as you forced the words out, another tear slipping from your eyes. 

When he kept looking at you, silently showing you that he would listen, you began to tell about everything that had happened. How as a teenager, you had watched your mother slowly fading away into nothingness. How disease had gripped at her frail form, already riddled by depression.

And how you had dropped everything to take care of her, because you were all she had left.   
Bucky didn't say anything to interrupt you as you spoke, but when you let the silence grow between you he uttered one simple question. The one that would get to the root of the problem, you knew. And you could not help but wonder just how he knew just what to ask. 

“What about your father?” he had asked, straight to the point. 

“I...he...” you began, trying to find the words. It had been so long since you had spoken of him, of what had happened to him. Not even Daniel had known the story. You doubted even Wanda had gotten this story from your mind. After all you had pushed it away so deeply, masterfully ignoring your feelings and thereby probably fuelling your panic attacks. At first Daniel had tried to get you to open up, but when you never did he had simply accepted that.   
It seemed that Bucky had other plans. 

“Take your time” he said, He was still holding you, but dropped one arm, giving you a little more space as you racked your brain for the right words. 

“My dad was a good man. A happy man. In love with my mother and he dotted on me when he could. He was in the army, you see. A captain. Stationed in Iraq when...”you stopped again. It had been so long, but it didn't seem to get easier. You wondered if it ever would. Or perhaps it was because you never really spoke about it. You mother couldn't bear it and so you had decided to stay quiet on the subject as well. First to spare her feelings, and once she had died as well, you no longer knew how to talk about it. It seemed infeasible to pick a point to start. 

“It was a roadside bomb.” you stated and Bucky's fingers began rubbing circles on your arm again. 

“He was taken to Germany. They tried so hard to save him” you choked on the words as it all came back to you. All those feelings a 12 year old girl had felt as she watched her father ass. Feelings she didn't understand and needed help with. But her mother had been unable to help. And so you had done all that you could, on your own. Which, as it turned out, meant you had not worked through them. You had just pushed them down deep enough to ignore. 

“We were flown in, just to watch him die,” you whispered and tears began to fall once more. Bucky didn't rush you as new tears flowed, sparked by the grief you had long hidden from the world. 

“You won't go through that again,” Bucky whispered, his mouth close to your ear as he held you close to him, “Wanda will be okay”.

His voice was steady, determined. He sounded very certain and you risked a glance up at his face. Though his blue eyes were filled with emotions, touched by what you had shared, they showed the determination you had heard in his voice. He was certain. 

The look he gave you momentarily took your breath away and you were at a loss for words. How could one follow such a statement, made with fierceness and clear purpose?   
You were immensely grateful to the man that had come to find you. The person that took the time to comfort you even though he barely knew you. You had never before felt so accepted. So wholly understood. And it rendered you speechless. 

You stretched a little to reach up and placed your lips on his cheek in a quick thank you kiss. You closed your eyes and did not see how he reacted, before you laid your head back on his chest. Giving yourself another minute to stay there, before real life that was just outside that door would come calling. 

Bucky didn't pull away or made any sound or movement to tell you he wanted to leave and you hoped it meant that he was okay with it. And that he understood, as he had seemingly understood all the emotions you had shared with him.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you learn more about what happened to Wanda.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please note that this chapter describes violence.

Once a new sense of calm had come over you, Bucky took you back to the room that held a still unconscious Wanda. A blush rose to your cheeks from embarrassment as you looked around the room of heroes. However, before you could utter a single word about it, Natasha took a step forward and took your hand in hers, squeezing it gently. You looked into her eyes and she offered a small smile. You sighed and squeezed back, grateful for this response. None of the others said anything, they simply offered a nod or a small smile, before silence took over the room again. 

Steve stood up from his seat waving you over, letting you take it. As you sat down you quickly took Wanda's hand in yours. Momentarily you were struck by the cold skin and absent mindedly you began rubbing to warm it up. Worry was etched on your face as you looked over the form of your friend. You gave yourself a few moments before turning to Tony. 

“What happened” your voice was soft, hoarse from all the crying. 

“We were ambushed. They hit her from behind.” Steve answered instead. 

“They probably heard, she would be the biggest threat.” Natasha added. 

“She is?” it would never make sense that this sweet girl was dangerous to anyone.

“You are so delightfully uninformed about her powers” Natasha chuckled shortly, before she got serious again. You smiled, not quite sure how to respond to that. 

“How's she doing?” 

“She had a brain bleed. They relieved the pressure and now we have to wait. She also cracked two ribs.” Tony now explained. His face was grim, though he tried to offer a smile. 

“How long will she...”you trailed off. 

“We're not sure, days probably” he said honestly. He explained that no one person responded to this the same and all they could do was make a calculated guess. Something they weren't comfortable doing just now. Doctors were keeping a close eye on her charts and hopefully they would know more in the morning. 

“Perhaps you should get some rest” Tony offered, “I'm sure we can find you a bed in this place” 

“I'm not leaving her” you said with a decisive tone in your voice that shocked even you. You'd never been good at standing your ground. Yet here you were. He nodded and walked out of the room, followed by Steve and Bucky. 

Natasha stood behind Clint, placing a hand on his shoulder. For a moment he covered it with his own, before dropping it on the bed again, next to his other hand that had been holding onto the Wanda's the entire time you were there. Something told you that he had been holding it since she was brought in here. His worry did nothing to relief the sense of disaster in your own mind. 

“I’ll be back in a bit, after the briefing” Natasha then said, to neither of you in particular and walked out of the room. She glanced back at the rigid form of Clint and sighed before continuing down the corridor. 

“You're Clint right?” you felt the need to fill the silence and he looked at you with surprise, as if he was seeing you for the first time. Which was probably true. He had not done anything to acknowledge you before this moment. After a few moments he just nodded. 

“She speaks really highly of you.” you offered and he nodded again, seemingly not registering what you said at all. Wanda had told you about his role in her becoming an avenger. And after the death of her brother, he had taken over the part of the caring and protective brother. He had made her a part of his family, the avenger one and the one he shared with Laura. He had guided her and supported her. And she was grateful to have him in her life. Looking at the man on the other side of the bed, you understood that he was grateful for her as well. It didn't surprise you that Wanda had that effect on the people around her. 

At some point during the following hours, you must have fallen asleep. You woke up from a hand on your shoulder and you lifted your head from the edge of the bed. You neck was painful and you tried to roll it on your shoulders, before opening your eyes and looking at the owner of the hand.   
Pepper Pots looked down at you with a kind smile. 

“You should go and get something to eat, I'll sit with her” 

“But...” you began and she raised her hand slightly, effortlessly silencing your protest. 

“I'll call you the minute anything changes.” she offered, she looked sincere. You looked to the other side of the bed and saw the seat empty. 

“Nat took him for a walk.” Pepper answered the question you hadn't even asked yet and you offered a small smile before getting up. 

“Thank you” 

You looked down upon the still unconscious figure of Wanda and sighed deeply, before walking to the door. You had hoped she'd be awake already, even though you knew it was a futile hope. After all it had been mere hours since her attack. Hours and they had said it would likely be days before she woke up.   
Unsure of where to go, you walked the length of the corridor. You knew that was where you had come in and perhaps fresh air would do you good. 

Before you reached the door, you ran into a familiar kind face and you were uncertain of what to do, or say to him. Bucky had seen a a side of you, of your life that you didn't share with people. And you found it hard to look him in the eye. You still weren't sure what he thought of you. Did he think you weak? 

“Hey, Y/N” he said and you glanced up quickly, before looking down at the floor once more. 

“Hi” you softly replied. 

“Were you getting something yo eat?” he wondered. Stopping to stand next to you. 

“I guess” you weren't the slightest bit hungry. 

“Well come on, I can take you there” 

“Thanks” 

He smiled and walked to the elevator on your right. That was the first time you saw the directional on the wall. There was a cafeteria on the second floor.   
When you walked into it, you noticed it was nearly empty and you went to check your phone for the time. It was only just past 7 in the morning. You rubbed your face, no wonder you were tired. You could not have slept more than an hour. You wondered just how it had only been four hours since Steve turned up at your doorstep. So much had happened and it felt like days had past. 

Bucky walked up to the buffet and grabbed some fruit and a sandwich, looking behind him to see where you were. You walked up to him and grabbed yourself an apple. He raised his eyebrows, but said nothing. He grabbed a bottle of water and ordered coffee, before looking at you. Asking for tea, you looked down at your hands. Staring as you waiting in line to pay, you were surprised when Bucky paid for you. 

“Let's sit outside” he said and showed you the small balcony that held three tables. All were empty and he sat down placing the tray with food and drinks on one of them. You sat down gingerly and remained silent as you looked out at the surrounding area. 

“Steve had set out to find whoever did this” Bucky told you and you quickly looked up, “He wanted to let you sleep, he'll be back shortly”. 

You nodded and played with your apple, not really hungry. 

“Eating is good, you know, even if you aren't hungry.”

You offered him a small smile and took a sip of your tea instead. 

“I know” you replied finally. You knew you had to eat something, but your appetite was nowhere to be found. Eventually you took a small bite out of the apple, luckily it was sweet. You never cared for the sour ones. And Bucky was right, you needed at least some fuel in your body.   
Once you finished the apple, you stood up. You wanted to be with Wanda. Bucky walked with you and placed half of his sandwich on the table behind you, before walking out of the room. Telling you to finish that at some point in the morning, he would check. 

And he did, a few hours later, with Steve in tow. He was back from his first reconnaissance and wanted to know if there had been any changes. There hadn't. No news for the better, or worse. Which you counted as good in a way. Surely she just needed time, otherwise she would have gotten worse. 

You hadn't finished the sandwich and Bucky stood next to you, waiting for you to eat it now. Rolling your eyes, you complied. It was nice that he cared. That anyone cared for that matter. You'd missed that in your life. And you only realised it now, now that these people showed they cared. 

The next few days were much the same. You barely left Wanda's bedside. You set on her left as Clint took up permanent residence on her right. Steve checked in as often as he could, but since he was tasked with finding the people that had done this to her, he rarely stayed long. 

Natasha and Pepper would come in regularly with food and drinks for you and Clint. While Bucky came to fetch you for small walks in the gardens behind the compound at least once a day. He said that fresh air would do you good. 

And he was right of course. Sitting for hours on end, was good for nobody and the conditioned air of the hospital, felt stifling after day two. By day three, you finally answered him in full sentences. No longer did you worry about what he thought of you. He had showed you that he cared and right now that meant so much. 

On your walks, conversations were often light. The weather and the area were often discussed. But sometimes he would mention something about anxiety and how he knew someone that could help you with it. You just nodded at that.   
You wanted help, surely. This could not happen every time someone ended up in hospital. You knew the avengers now, this was bound to happen again. Besides, you needed to get back to you at some point. Be the person you wanted to be. Not the one you had become in resent years. 

However, now was not the time to think about it. Now you were focussed solely on your friend. Wanda needed to be okay, before you got back to you.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally there is a change in Wanda's condition.

A week had past when, finally, everything changed. 

You'd been asleep in the chair next to Wanda's bed much like every other day this past week. Clint was still fixed on the other side. He had left her bedside even less often than you. And after the second day of Wanda's stint in the hospital, Vision had joined you. He had been called back from his mission and became a permanent fixture in the room ever since. He'd only left shortly, once, for a debriefing. Tony had made it mandatory, since all and any information could be vital. 

Which perhaps had been a good thing, for he had not heard the sounds of distress that had awoken you and Clint from your restless slumber. A gurgling sound and panicked trashing had made you open your eyes. Clint had quickly jumped up from his seat and called for a doctor, which prompted hurried movement outside the door. 

You had placed a hand on Wanda's forehead as you whispered to her that everything would be all right. Everything would be okay now, now that she was waking up. Realising she was trying to breath over the breathing tube, you spoke in hushed calm tones, informing her that someone would be removing it soon. Her eyes were wide in terror and cold sweat formed on her body as she tried to keep still. Her whole body was tensed up, as she fought the tube that had been breathing for her the past week.   
Soon the nurses ushered you and Clint out of the room, while they removed the tube and checked her vitals. 

Clint quickly began pacing in front of the door, while you stood frozen in place. Within minutes all the avengers that were not currently on a mission, had found their way to meet you.   
Natasha hugged Clint close to her, whispering in his ear, helping him relax. Vision hovered next to you, quiet and Sam wrapped an arm around your shoulders. Tony choose to walk into the room to ask the doctors how Wanda was doing. 

Steve, Bucky, Rhodey and Bruce were on a recon mission for the past two days and while they would receive notice of the change in Wanda's condition, it would be some time before they could be here. Meanwhile Pepper was called out of a meeting she'd had on the other side of the city and joined everyone as quick as she could. Speed limits had probably not applied to her.   
While not much was clear about the state that Wanda was in, everyone felt a sense of relief that she had woken up. They had all feared a different outcome, even if none had spoken it aloud. 

When Tony stepped out of the room a few minutes later, a smile was plastered on his face. Too big a smile and it immediately didn't feel right to you. Wary you waited for him to speak. Your gaze met Natasha's and you noticed the same apprehension in her eyes. Something was off. You shuffled in place and clenched your hands, impatiently waiting for him to say what it was. 

“She is awake and her vitals are good” Tony spoke, the fake smile still in place. 

“But?” you asked, surprised by the sound of your own voice. It was strong and certain. As if you knew what you were doing. Which was so far from the truth it was almost comical. Except, not really. 

“She seems to suffer from some memory loss” Tony said, the smile fading finally. 

“Temporary?” Clint wanted to know. Beside you, Vision hung his head and retreated ever so slightly. Quickly you took his hand in yours, squeezing it in reassurance. His or yours, you weren't sure. 

“We don't know yet, possibly. Most likely,” Tony said solemnly, “We've called T'Challa for help and hopefully we can figure this out quickly” 

A chill went down your spine as those final words left his mouth. If they could not figure this out without Wakanda's help, did that mean there was more than he was telling you? As far as you knew, memory loss after a head injury was not uncommon. It would not require specialists, usually. 

Again your gaze sought out Natasha and once more she seemed to share your worries. The group quickly began a debate on who should go in first, as you scurried off after Tony, who seemed to think he could sneak off. 

“What are you not saying?” you demanded to know, as he paused at the elevator. His whole body seemed to tense up as those words reached his ears and he turned around ever so slowly. His gaze was directed towards the ground as he deliberately appeared to avoid your eyes.   
He sighed, but remained silent as he seemingly debated with himself what to say to you. You gave him some space to figure it out, but were not planning on giving too much. You needed to know. 

“It's not that anything appears to be different” he finally said, “But her abilities stem from the mind and there is just too much we don't know. We don't want to mess this up”   
Tony looked up to meet your eyes as he finished the sentence, possibly to show his sincerity. A thing you didn't doubt with him. In return you just nodded, accepting his explanation. 

“You'll tell me if something is wrong, right?” you asked softly, just as you were turning around to go back to the room at the end of the hall. You glanced over your shoulder, to see him and he nodded solemnly. Satisfied with that answer, you walked away from him swiftly. You were off to see what the rest had agreed upon. 

As you got closer you could hear a heated argument between the whole group, apparently they could not come to an agreement. You walked closer, thinking of who you thought should go in. You wanted to be the one to go in, but weren't sure if that was the best choice in this matter. 

“Perhaps it should be Clint” you voiced as soon as you got into hearing distance. The arguments stopped and they looked at you in surprise. 

“Why?” Sam wanted to know. He didn't sound angry, just confused. 

“He was the first person she connected too. Perhaps he could be again” you said and Natasha smiled, agreeing with you. This did not surprise you at all, she would obviously always choose Clint. It had quickly become clear to you just how close they were. Vision began to protest, but Sam also nodded in agreement and hushed Vision. Sam explained to Vision that he could see her next, but that Wanda needed to come first and not our own emotions. 

Clint was in her room only minutes, before coming back out looking defeated. Wanda had asked to be left alone for the time being. With her memory gone, the faces and new information had quickly overwhelmed her. She'd grown tired and wanted to just be alone.   
This instantly prompted Natasha to grab your hand and lead you off, deeper into the building. You followed her, without question. With the adrenaline of Wanda waking up wearing off quickly, you found yourself becoming drowsy. 

“I think it's time you slept in a bed” she said, as she pulled you into a room. After explaining that the room was vacant and you would not be imposing on anyone, you eventually agreed. Natasha brought you some new sweats to sleep in and left you alone. 

It was strange, to hear the silence that overcame you in this empty room. The past week you had lived and breathed Wanda and now suddenly, here you were. Alone in a quiet room, with the comfort that Wanda was going to be okay. Physically at least. She just didn't know who you were. 

As you moved a hand into your hair, you realised it needed washing and you headed into the adjoining bathroom. Standing before the mirror the state that you were in shocked you. Deep dark circles under your eyes, a pale complexion and hollowed out cheeks. You really needed to start taking better care of yourself. Otherwise you;d be of no use to Wanda in her recovery.   
And taking care of you, began with a shower, followed by a well deserved rest in a comfortable bed instead of a chair. 

You woke hours later, confused. The window to your left, showed you that it was dark out. The window was large and gave a beautiful view of a wooded area. This was definitely not your room.  
It took you a few seconds to remember where you were and then you tried to figure out what had awoken you in the first place. It could not have been enough sleep, since you were struggling to keep your eyes open. A soft knock on the door, gave you the answer. Smoothing out your hair a little, you called for whoever it was to come in. 

“Hey” the deep gruff voice of Bucky greeted you. 

He sat down on the edge of the bed, near your feet and looked at you with a sympathetic smile on his face. He obviously came to check on you and that thought made you smile.   
It did however pose a question. How were you feeling? A big part of you was happy that Wanda had woken up and seemed to be in good health. However, she had also been your lifeline in this world and now she didn't know you any more, which was hard and confusing. 

“I didn't expect you back so soon” you said, trying to give yourself some extra time to come up with a coherent answer for Bucky. 

“We came back as soon as we could, once we heard” he explained and you just nodded. 

“Did Steve go to see her yet?” Steve thought of Wanda as a little sister and Wanda had told you how protective he had been in the past. Her waking up must have been a huge relief to him. 

“Yes, she didn't recognise him either, but she was willing to talk to him. So there's that” Bucky said optimistically. 

“Right, that's good I think” 

“Why don't we go get you something to eat?” he then asked and as if on queue you stomach grumbled. You weren’t even sure how many hours it had been since your last meal. Some food would not be a bad idea. Besides you had already established that you needed to take better care of yourself. Food did seem like an integral part of that.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Wanda awake, you suddenly realised just how much you had neglected your own life.

Now that Wanda had woken up, real life came at you fast. Not only had you neglected yourself, you had neglected any and all responsibilities. Perhaps there was a reason for the fact that you had let Daniel take care of everything. 

Bills needed to be paid and work needed to be called. It was difficult to prioritize everything. You knew what needed to be done, but your mind was miles away, with Wanda. A week had past since she woke up and she still didn't remember anyone of you. She had, however, agreed to meet with all of you. And so here you were, anxiously awaiting your turn. 

Looking over your bills, it dazzled you. How were you supposed to pay all of this with the little income you had? If you even still had one. You had not been to work in nearly two weeks and you were certain you didn't have that many sick days or even that much leave.   
You decided that, first things first, you needed to check if you still had a job. Kicking yourself as you dialled Jenny's number, you tried to steady your breathing. How could you have neglected this? A job you really needed. There was no money to fall back on. No parents or any other family to pick up the slack. 

A ten minute phone call later had confirmed your worst suspicions. You were no longer employed by the theatre. As much as Jenny had tried to keep you. The board had decided, they needed someone more reliable. And rightly so, you thought. Jenny offered to write you a recommendation, which you happily accepted, before thanking her for all she had done for you.   
She had taken a chance on you, when she didn't have too. And you had basically spit in her face as a thank you. It made you feel horrible. 

“Are you okay?” Bucky asked as he dropped into a seat next to yours. You looked at him and wanted to scream, to cry. You wanted to tell him about your money worries and the loss of your job. You wanted him to put an arm around your shoulders and tell you that everything would be all right. You knew he would do so if you asked. Yet you also knew that you needed to take care of this yourself. 

And so you did the only thing you could. Forced a smile on your features and offered it too him. Telling him that you were just doing some much needed but most dreaded administration. And that you were just fine. Hopefully you were convincing enough.   
Bucky eyed you for a second, but nodded anyway. Letting it slide for now. 

“She's waiting for you” he then said and you immediately jumped up. Smiling brightly this time. Fresh hope that Wanda would remember you, finally. 

Bucky opened his mouth to say something else, but you had already bolted to the door and could no longer heard a thing he said. Behind you, he slumped a little in his seat, but you were oblivious as you practically skipped from the waiting room you had been in to the room that held Wanda. 

Stopping shortly before the room, you tried to empty your mind and calm your nerves. With a last deep breath, you placed a soft smile on your face and walked inside. There sat a wary Wanda, in a chair by the window. The colour had returned to her skin and cuts and bruises were slowly diminishing. She looked well rested and physically in a good shape. You were unsure how she was doing mentally and so you made that your first question. 

Wanda smiled softly as she looked back out at the view outside of her window. In a hushed voice she explained that being inside for so long was getting to her. You nodded and thought of Bucky. He had made sure you had gotten some fresh air these past few weeks and you were grateful for it. Grateful for him. 

With a big smile on your face you held up your hand, asking her to wait as you went back out the room. The hallway was clear and you grabbed a wheelchair that was set outside of another room. Hopefully nobody would miss it any time soon.   
Adding a blanket from the closet, you motioned for Wanda to have a seat. She smiled back at you and quietly giggling, you made your way to the closest exit. Once outside Wanda took a big breath and laughed, before thanking you. She'd needed this. 

“You'd do it for me” shrugging as you pushed her further from the doors and towards the benches around the corner of the building. 

“Are we close?” Wanda asked. 

“Yes. In the few months that we've known each other, you have become my closest friend.” you explained, another soft smile on your face. Though you tried to hide it, you were certain she could feel the masked hurt in your voice. 

'Sorry I don't remember” 

“You will, I am sure.” one thing you had learned of yourself was the never-ending hopefulness. Wondering if it were more naivete, you kept smiling at Wanda. Naïve of no, hope was all you had. 

“Who is Bucky?” Caught of guard, you eyes grew a bit bigger and your eyebrows furrowed as you looked at her in confusion. 

“you were thinking of him earlier” 

“He...he is a friend of yours. And he, he's been kind to me”. Kind. The word seemed insufficient, but you weren't sure how else to say it. 

“I seem to have quite a few friends” 

“Yes you do. People are naturally drawn to you” you chuckled. It felt strange, explaining her own character to her. She just nodded and you could see her eyes gloss over as she got lost in thought.   
It gave you a moment of reprieve. Everyone had agreed to keep your head as empty of thoughts as possible. This would be easiest for Wanda, but asked for a level of concentration that was taxing. 

Your phone rang, pulling you both back in the present and smiling apologetically, you picked up. Steve had just gotten back from a mission and wanted to see Wanda, who seemed to have disappeared from her room. 

“Busted” you muttered, prompting a snort from Wanda. With a smile you promised to have her back in a few minutes. 

Back in her room, you were greeted by Steve, Clint and Natasha. While Clint and Steve simply greeted you, Natasha had her arms crossed over her chest. She looked at the two of you sternly. Apparently she didn't agree with sneaking Wanda out. Wanda smiled brightly at her, softening her stance instantaneously and you relaxed. Natasha was just worried. You could not blame her. 

Wanda climbed back into bed and the rest took seats around her, Clint being closest in the chair on the left side of her bed. Still his favourite spot it seemed.   
You began retreating from the room, when Wanda stopped you. Asking you to stay. She wanted to hear some stories. Memories that all of you had with her. However, before anyone could even speak a single word, Wanda gasped loudly before she grabbed Clint's hand and squeezed. 

“Thank you” she said and everyone looked confused. What was she thanking him for? 

“I remember now,” she explained as her face expressed the turmoil she was feeling. Many feelings crossed her face, happiness, anger and grieve most prominent. 

“Didn't see that coming” she whispered with a strangled laugh and everyone understood just what she was remembering. Her brother. His death. And Clint's subsequent role of big brother in her life. It felt fitting that he was the first she would remember. And it gave everyone hope that the rest would follow eventually. 

Tears fell down her face as Clint got up to hug her. Your own eyes were burning with the promise of tears as you thought of the pain she was now remembering. Perhaps that memory could have been spared, but it was foolish to think that. Eventually you wanted her to remember everything. The good and the bad, for it had formed her and all the connections she had made with the people in her life. A big part of you just wished she had not dealt with such pain. Losing your family, it was something you were all too familiar with and seeing her relive it broke your heart. 

As the first tear fell down your own cheek a cold metal hand was placed on your shoulder, gently squeezing. Of course, Bucky would know you needed comfort. He seemed to instinctively feel when he was most needed. It gave you great comfort to know that someone like him cared enough about you to comfort you. Perhaps, Wanda really wasn't all you had in this world. Though she was still very important, of course. 

The next few days, Wanda found a new determination as she wanted to see everyone again. She would ask questions or sit in silence and every now and again a memory would come up. She would remember a prank she played on Bruce, together with Peter. And a girls night with Natasha. Diner with Vision and deep conversations with Steve. Slowly she was piecing her life back together and her spirit lifted with every recovered memory. 

While it made you very happy to see, selfishly you wondered why no memories of you had surfaced.   
It stung, that they all had laughs about past events and you were hanging back, feeling left out.   
And with your own life quickly crumbling, you really could use your friend. It was entirely selfish, you knew that, but you could not help it. 

Money was running out and you had not been able to find yourself a new job yet. It put a huge strain on you and you were unsure how to fix it. There wasn't anyone you wanted to talk to about it. Had Wanda not had her accident, you probably would not have spoken to her about it either, but she would have known. She always knew when something was bothering you. Or at least, she used to know. 

***

Another week passed and Wanda remembered most of her past. The last few months were still fuzzy though. Which meant you were still erased from her mind, though her kind character made sure you felt included. And as much as you still tried to keep your mind blank, she began to figure out that something was going on. Unlike normally she didn't speak about it. She just looked at you, trying to piece together the jumbled thoughts she occasionally caught from you. 

“How is the wicked witch?” Wanda said one day, when it was just the two of you. You looked at her confused and wondered what she meant. 

“Your job, love” Wanda explained and you tried to play it cool as you told her you lost the job. 

“Have you found anything new?” 

“No” the word came out a little strangled and Wanda pulled you into a hug. 

“Give up your room in town. I am sure Tony can give you one here” Wanda said and you pulled back. Only she and Steve knew where you stayed. 

“ you remember?” 

“Finally,” she said with a smile, “Sorry it took me so long”.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grateful as you were for all the care your new friends had bestowed upon you, you knew a thank you was in order.

You paused,taking another moment to think of what you were about to do. Not that the task at hand was so enormous, it was just daunting to do. It was something you usually would evade, postpone. You weren't sure how it would be received and for some reason that was incredibly important. Looking at the closed door in front of you, you tried to gather up the courage to open it. The door had no remarkable features to focus on. It was a simple white door with no handles. They would open if you gave them a little push and could swing in either direction. Nothing fancy, just doors. 

Beyond those doors was one of the two massive gyms that the tower held and in it would be a few recruits trained by one certain soldier. Upon your request, Natasha had told you just where to find him. She had also tried to tell you that he didn't need you to say the things you wanted to say. She had even warned you that he was never very good at accepting words of this kind. Still, you had told her, it was important for you to say them anyway. You needed him to know how you felt. Even if he could not respond to it properly, or even at all. You just needed him to listen. To know how much his behaviour in the past few weeks had meant to you. And perhaps you needed him not to be grossed out by the gesture. 

With a deep sigh you pushed against the door, surprised by how little resistance met your arm. A door this size, should be heavier. The door swung open wide and as you stepped through it, closed behind you just as easily. Swinging ever so slightly, until it was still once more. Slightly apprehensive you straightened your shoulders and walked further into the gym, scanning the room for the man you were looking for. 

In front of you the recruits he had been training today were packing their things and you sighed in relief. He would soon be alone. While you needed to say it, you didn't really need, or more accurately want, an audience. In fact, this was nerve-wrecking enough as it was. An audience would probably shut you up entirely. You weren't exactly known for your brave character after all. 

The determination you had felt when you spoke to Natasha wavered quickly, when you noticed that he was in fact not alone at all. However, you told yourself, you'd come this far. No turning back now. If you wanted to change your life, you should change your actions, and stop running away from things that scared you. Like saying something nice to a person that was slightly intimidating. 

“Hey Y/N” Steve said, once he noticed you walking in their direction, “Wanda isn't here” he said, his face displayed confusion. 

You could not blame him for it. You had never been up to the gym. In fact, you once mentioned hating gyms with a fiery passion. This confession had had everyone laughing loudly. It had been true, though. Working out was something you did for your health and as little as possible. There was no fun to be had for you. And with your current funds, it had been running. Which you hated even more and you cancelled at the slightest possibility of bad weather. Really, it was nothing short of a miracle that you moved at all. 

“I know, She's in her room,” you began with a smile, before turning your body towards his companion, “ I was actually looking for you”. 

Bucky eyebrows shot up as he looked back at you, seemingly a bit surprised by this. Steve however, just nodded, perhaps he had thought you'd seek out Bucky at some point. He returned your smile as he waved in goodbye, leaving you and Bucky alone. Your palms were sweaty already. 

“What can I do for you?” Bucky wondered. His tone was a forced jovial and light. He was obviously trying, but his fidgeting hands were betraying his uneasiness. His fingers pulled at the hem of his shirt as his gaze dropped to your feet. You almost chuckled. He had seemed so confident and at ease, when he had helped you out. And now here he was, pushed out of his comfort zone by a simple conversation. Keeping a smile on your face you began speaking, hoping he would relax quickly. You did not want to be the reason of his discomfort. 

“I just...wanted to say thank you” your voice a little timid. Thank you didn't seem to be enough. He had been so gentle and comforting as he listened to you talking through your panic attack. And after that, when he took care of you.

He was so kind to you, even though he barely knew you. After the words had left your mouth, you looked down at your hands with a new-found interest, had they always been this pale? When Bucky didn't respond, nor looked up from the ground, you knew you had to be the one to break the silence. 

“I'm sorry you had to witness that freak out” you quickly said, risking to glance up from your hands and towards his face. His fidgeting had stopped and he now looked at you with a confused look etched on his features. 

“Nothing to apologise for,” he grumbled, offering a small smile. 

“I must have looked like an idiot” you chuckled at your own expense, your eyes trained on you hands once again. 

“No you didn't” he replied with an intensity you had not heard from him before. He, again, seemed determined to make you feel at ease. 

“Seriously!” he added after a few seconds and you looked into his eyes now. 

“I just, should've held it together better.” Big displays of emotion had always been something you struggled with. Having someone be witness to a panic attack was therefore horrifying to you. You felt weak, silly. 

“Says who?”, he wondered, his voice an octave higher,”We all respond differently to things. And we hardly ever know beforehand. This triggered a past trauma for you. That it nothing to be ashamed off” he stated firmly. 

“Trauma, right” again your hands became insanely interesting. 

“Don't try to downplay it” Bucky took your hand in his and squeezed it. You smiled at him and again apologized, explaining that it felt stupid to be so easily triggered.  
This seemed to anger Bucky as he fervently tried to convince you that it had not been stupid at all. That what you had been through was not easy and in combination with your young age, it wasn't strange at all that it had induced a trauma. 

“But compared to what you and the others go through on a weekly basis...” you trailed off. 

“There is no comparing those two things. Trauma is trauma and we all can use a little help with that sometimes” 

Bucky still held our hand in his as he said those words and you could feel something stir inside of you. Your stomach flipped and you blushed. He was such a good person and you really wondered why so many people seemed to fear him. He was a little gruff at times, but he was caring and kind and understanding. Many people could learn from him. 

“Well thank you for helping me and for taking care of me the past few weeks. I don't know...If you hadn't been there.” again you trailed off, unsure of how to explain all the things you felt, “If there is ever anything I could possibly do for you,...I might not understand, but I'm a good listener”. 

“Thanks” he chuckled. 

Behind you the doors to the gym swung open again and you quickly glanced behind to see the smiling face of Natasha. Bucky dropped your hand and it suddenly felt cold, missing the absence of his warmth. 

“Are you guys joining us for dinner?” she called out and you could not help but smile. This group of people had not known you a few weeks ago, and yet they were so accepting of you. You and all your traumas and weirdness. 

All throughout dinner you kept glancing at Bucky as he looked relaxed, at ease in this group. He laughed as he mocked Sam. Became boisterous with Sam as they tried to prove something to Steve. Listened intently as Bruce was telling him some story. It was nice to see him like this. And it made your stomach do some flips again, which confused you a little.  
As he caught your eye he smiled with a nod, raising his drink. Raising your own in response, you wondered if he too had felt something shift during your talk earlier. 

“Perhaps you should try being a little more subtle” Natasha joked as she leaned over. With wide eyes you stared at her, had you been that obvious? She chuckled and shook her head ever so slightly as she saw the horror cross your face. 

“Don't worry, men are usually oblivious to these things” She whispered and gave you a side hug, before returning to the food in front of her.  
Taking a deep breath you tried to relax your shoulders and turned to focus on your food as well. You wouldn't want to give anyone a reason to tease you. Especially since these sudden feelings confused you. And even more so, because Bucky would probably be mortified if he knew. 

Soon you were pulled into conversation with Wanda and Vision, as they spoke of movies she had recently shown him. Wanda explaining certain subtleties which he had missed, asking for your corroboration with that. It wasn't long before you felt an ease come over yourself as well and conversations all around seemed to flow easily. It was nice. A new experience, being amongst friends and not worrying too much.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You really need to sort out your feelings.

“I hear subtlety isn't your strong suit” Wanda chuckled as she dropped down on her bed. You sat at her desk, your head in your hands and groaning. It had been three days since the dinner. After the first two days without a comment from either Wanda or Natasha, you had hoped Natasha had decided to ignore it. You should have known better. 

“Thanks Nat” you muttered and the beautiful redhead spy laughed loudly. She wasn't sorry for pointing out the obvious. Wanda eyed at you with great sympathy in her features as she turned her head in your direction from her sprawled out position on the bed. 

Though Wanda had been dismissed from the hospital wing, she had not yet fully recovered. She grew tired rather quick and would need to lay down a few times a day, such as she did now at eleven in the morning. Those moments of rest gave her the opportunity to have talks like these with you. Not something you particularly enjoyed, no matter how happy you were to see her up and about. When she had asked you to walk with her, a few minutes earlier, you had not thought anything of it. Simply thought she wanted to chitchat before she fell asleep. 

“So...when did that happen?” Wanda wanted to know, her face a little contorted as she repressed a yawn. 

“I...I don't know,” you stumbled over the words as you tried to think back, when did it start? You really couldn't tell. Was it when he took your hand in his? Or did it happen before that? Had his act of rescuing prompted these feelings? Or were they more genuine? You really didn't know. 

“I mean, he's been so nice and when I went to thank him, he looked at me and my stomach flipped” you muttered, still unsure, “I don't even know if it's real” you added as Natasha just raised an eyebrow. 

“Why wouldn't it be real?” Natasha wondered, “you would not be the first to fall for those blue eyes. I highly doubt you'll be the last” 

“No it's not him.” you quickly replied. If it wasn't real it was on you, “Wait, do you like his blue eyes?” 

Again Natasha laughed loudly as she sat down on the edge of the bed Wanda lay on. She explained that she was not in fact drowning in those ocean blue irises. She's just been around too many women that felt themselves getting lost in them. Those eyes have a pull that has made many a woman lose their directive. Bucky just never really noticed. He was a little oblivious. He didn't think anyone could still fall for him, not after all he had been through. A thought that wasn't too bright. If anything, you wanted him to be happy. To see how good a man he was. And that he was worthy of love. 

“will you tell him?” Wanda wanted to know, unable to repress the next yawn. 

“Are you kidding me?” you exclaimed, the laugh that left your lips filled with self-contempt. 

“Fine just swoon in silence if you wish” Natasha said with a shrug and stood up, holding out her hand to you. Time to let Wanda get some much needed rest. Wanda waved and rubbed her eyes as she shifted slightly to get more comfortable. 

Linking arms with Natasha you walked through the door and just as you were about to close it completely, Wanda squealed. Both og you quickly looked back to see an apologetic Vision standing next to her bed. Someday he would learn not to barge in unannounced. Today was not that day.   
Both Natasha and you chuckled before you walked away. 

“So tell me, why would it not be real?” Natasha said as you were out of ear shot of Vision. 

“What if I’m just feeling this because he was there for me when I had my panic attack” with a timid voice and your eyes downcast you answered her.

“Hmm” Natasha pondered it and shrugged, “ I guess you'll have to figure that out” 

“Yes I do” you agreed solemnly. It would not be fair to him if you jumped to conclusions. Nor to you. And Natasha would not let you forget it, obviously. 

***

And that was what you were doing now or plotting to do, a week later as you sat in the kitchen, enjoying a nice warm cup of tea, that Natasha'd had at the ready for you. While she made herself an after work-out breakfast, you tried to warm yourself up. Unlike you, she had been up at six to train. It was ten in the morning now and while she just came back up from the gym, you had just strolled into the compound. 

The only work out you'd had was the walk from your hostel to the bus stop and from the bus stop outside of the compound to the kitchen inside. A good 15 minutes in total. Ten of which had been in the pouring rain, mind you. And you were dripping all over the seat you were on.   
Bucky walked into the kitchen as well and threw a towel your way with a smile. 

“I saw you running” he explained, pointing to the large window that overlooked the drive way, amusement clear in his tone, “Next time just ask someone to pick you up” he added.

“Oh, well, a little rain never killed someone” you quickly muttered with a smile and a shrug. 

“Call me next time” he pressed, before turning around and opening the refrigerator. He grabbed a bottle of water, nodded to Natasha and walked out again. Leaving you in silence. 

“Guess you have to call him next time” Natasha said smirking and you rolled your eyes as you began drying your hair with the towel he gave you. It was still warm and you sighed content. 

“It would be the perfect opportunity to see if it's real,” she said, choosing her words carefully. She glanced around as she spoke, making sure no one would overhear. Something you were grateful for. She might've liked teasing you a little, she understood that it was important to figure out your feelings for yourself, before anyone else would know. She smiled at you knowingly. She was right after all. 

***

You stood by the door, groaning as you saw the rain pelting down. You really needed to start walking now if you want to make it to the bus stop in time, but it had taken so long to warm up that morning. You weren't really ready to be soaked once more. Pulling the hood of your coat over your head, you wrapped your arms around you and stepped out the sliding doors. It was unlikely the rain would be letting up any time soon. 

Taking another deep breath, you counted to three before stepping out from under the roof. One, two...

“Wait!” Bucky's voice called out from behind you and you frowned as you looked back. Had you forgotten something? He jogged closer and stopped before you with a smile. 

“I thought I told you to call me” he said, his eyebrows raised in question. 

“Yes, but” struggling to find a good excuse, you stared at the floor. The only reason you had not taken him up on his offer, was because you were a chicken. As much as you wanted to figure out your feelings, you also didn't want too. What if you found that it was all very much real? Then there would be a whole array of new questions to answer. Questions such as; would he feel the same? And were you ready for something new? 

“But?” Buck pulled you back from your contemplations. 

“I didn't want to bother you” you simply shrugged, knowing it was a weak excuse. 

“No bother” he said and placed his hand on the small of your back, stirring you towards the underground garage. He stopped in front of a black pick up truck and opened the door on the passengers side for you, motioning for you to get in. He stood there patiently as you did, closing the door behind you once you were settled. You sighed as you buckled yourself in, while he walked around the car and got in on the other side. Somehow you knew Natasha had a hand in this. 

“63rd street right?” he said and you just nodded, grabbing your phone, only to find Natasha had sent you a winking smiley. She was insufferable, even though you could not help but smile. She certainly meant well. 

The first few minutes was spend in silence as Bucky navigated the car over the long drive way, before turning onto the semi busy road that would lead into the the city centre. You weren't sure how what to say to him. Conversations had been easy, before the butterflies, but now everything seemed wrong. You opened your mouth several times to speak, but would quickly close it again as the words left you. 

“Are you coming back tomorrow?” Bucky finally broke the silence, his eyes were trained on the road, which you were grateful for. That way he would not see the internal struggle that was most likely visible on your face. 

“Yeah, I think so” this was one answer you didn't need to think off too much. You would be back. There wasn't much else for you to do, while you waited to hear back form the many letters you had sent to companies the past few days. You didn't want to be alone while you waited, it would drive you crazy. Besides, you wanted to be with Wanda as she recovered.   
He promised to pick you after his morning workout the next day, not accepting a no. you smiled at him and resigned your protests. You didn't mind the ride. The hour long bus ride wasn't exactly something you looked forward too. And Bucky was good company. Even if you were being awkward and weird.

“Do you still work at the theatre?” Bucky asked a little while later as the silence had once again spread between the two of you. By now he must have noticed that something was different. After all, conversation had flowed so easily before. 

“No, I...They...they had to let me go” you muttered. Slightly ashamed to admit it. You hadn't even told Wanda. 

“Their loss, certainly” Bucky took your hand in his and squeezed it gently, reassuringly. 

“Yeah, sure” you chuckled, not necessarily agreeing with him.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky worries about you, while you try to avoid him.

Two weeks went by. Weeks filled with sending out resumes and walking into businesses, hoping for another chance encounter. After all, landing the theatre job had been mere luck. Who knew what luck would befall you if you kept trying. It certainly would not happen if you gave up, so no matter how hard it got, you kept going. 

Every few days, Bucky would pick you up, taking you to the compound. There you would put on your best happy go lucky face. You would smile, laugh, play games and help out wherever you could. 

You had even begun working out with Natasha, getting a routine couldn't hurt anyone. She was going easy on you, building muscles and endurance, telling you that she would fight you in two months time. Not something you were looking forward too. As much as you loved her, valued her friendship, she as a fighter -an avenger- scared the crap out of you. 

Wanda had been busy with her own recovery, getting better by the minute, it seemed. She needed less and less rest, almost getting back to normal. Which also meant her powers were slowly coming back to her in a more manageable way. She no longer needed too much focus to keep anyone out of her head. And her instincts got stronger as well, which she was most grateful for. After all it had been something she had relied on for a long time, before the incident. 

Today however, as you wandered the compound, you felt a little lost. Natasha and Steve had left on a mission, Wanda was in physio therapy with Clint. And you were still avoiding Bucky as much as you could. Your feelings had not evaporated and being around him was getting uncomfortable. Conversations were strained and you were awkward. It would only be a matter of time before he would figure out why. You could not have that. Surely he would freak out on you if he did. 

But as you wandered, you mind had wandered as well and you weren't paying much attention to where you were going. It caused you to bump into the one person you knew was at the compound at this moment. Bucky himself. 

He chuckled as he grabbed your arms to steady you. You had quickly proved to be the clumsy girl you had told them you were from the start. Then they had all thought you were exaggerating, but now all of them knew it to be true. 

“You know, free tip, when walking it's always best to actually keep an eye out on your surroundings” he laughed and you could not help but join him. 

“So what were you doing” you asked him, calling him out. He laughed even louder now. 

“I was standing still,” he said pointedly and you blushed. Naturally this had been all on you. 

“Sorry” you muttered shamefully. Even when you weren't paying attention to him, you were making a fool of yourself. 

“Don't be. I was actually hoping to see you” Bucky admitted with a smile. He draped an arm over your shoulders, walking with you. 

“Why?” you asked confused. 

“Want to get lunch?” he asked, ignoring your confusion. 

Everything inside you screamed to say yes. You wanted to have lunch with him. It had been something you did often when Wanda was injured. Something both of you seemed to enjoy, the conversation and the food. You wanted too, but you couldn't. 

“Not really hungry” you said shrugging, cursing the day you were born, because as you said this your empty stomach growled loudly. Much to your relief, Bucky pretended he had not heard a thing. Seconds later his phone rang and he excused himself before picking up. He put up his hand, asking you, silently, to wait for him. To which you nodded, showing him that you would. And so you stood, shifting from one foot to the other uncomfortably. 

“Please, indulge me, my treat” he said as he came back to you. His pleading smile, combined with those blue orbs made it hard to say no again. Not to mention your empty stomach giving protest.   
“Please” he said again and held out his arm for you to link yours through. With a sigh you did and as he guided you through the building, towards the garage, you rolled your shoulders. Hoping to find some relaxation. You forced on a smile and he opened the door to his car, letting you step in, before running to the drivers side. 

“There is this place on the edge of town that I just found, it's supposed to be really good” he said and started the car. You just nodded and lay your head back against the headrest. You had not eaten anything for hours and your body needed sustenance. You just wished you didn’t need to rely on others to get it to you. 

As you got back to the compound two hours later, Wanda found you and whisked you away from Bucky with a grin on her face. She pulled you to her room and closed the door behind you, to make sure nobody would overhear. 

“That was a long lunch” she said with a smirk on her face. 

“He insisted on trying out several things. It was a new place” you explained simply. Not much had happened. You ate and talked about the weather, steering clear of anything heavier. It had been nice, and a little weird. Bucky usually discussed everything from music to politics to his favourite book. But now the conversation had remained on the weather, food and some movie he had recently seen. It wasn't one you knew, which dulled the conversation a little. 

You had shrugged it off, as you had enjoyed the company, loved the food and did not make a fool of yourself once. An accomplishment all on it's own. Wanda just smiled and nodded as she listened to your narration of the afternoon. She didn't interrupt, even though you could tell she bursting at the seams to ask you questions. And when you were finished, she asked one. 

“Did you have butterflies?” she wanted to know, grinning.

“The entire time” you sighed and fell back on her bed with a groan. Wanda jumped down next to you with a hearty laugh. 

“Are you going to tell him yet?” she then asked. 

“no. no. not yet, maybe not ever” you exclaimed horrified. How could a man like that ever respond in a way that would not break your heart? 

“Why?” Wanda asked surprised. Her expression changed and you knew she was trying to get a sense of your feelings.

“He could have anyone. What would he want with a unemployed, clumsy no good girl like me” 

“First of all, you're a woman. A beautiful and kind woman. He would be lucky to have you!” she said sharply, looking at you with sincerity in her eyes, “and second of all, unemployed?” 

Your eyes grew wide as yo realised your mishap. For the past few weeks you had done really well with keeping it from Wanda. With her recovery she had not be able to read anyone as well as she used to do. It was exhausting for her and therefore she had been training on tuning it out. Which worked for the most part, as long as someone wasn't overwhelmed with feelings or thoughts. You had not wanted to worry your friend and figured that she would only hear of it once you found yourself a new job. No such luck now.

“Since when? Why?” Wanda exclaimed as she sat up and her face got serious. With a sigh you sat up as well and sat cross-legged across from her. You were silent for a moment, figuring out how to tell her. It was important not to make her feel responsible for it and you were certain she would. So you fibbed a little, adding a few sick days to your absence that had nothing to do with her. 

“Are you okay?” she asked when you had thoroughly explained the situation. You snorted, before quickly covering your mouth. Were you okay? You weren't sure you had been for a while now. And work wise, you certainly weren't. However, you did not want that to weigh on her, so you just nodded and smiled. 

***

When you left Wanda's room 15 minutes later, your heart was feeling heavy. She had promised to help you figure everything out after her nap. And you had nodded and said that you would be just fine. Even though you were having trouble believing that yourself. 

Again you wandered absent-mindedly through the compound, deciding to find Bucky and ask him if he would take you home. Wanda would understand. And staying was just too depression right now.   
Before you could set out finding Bucky, however, you were summoned by Tony. Al right, not summoned, you ran into Pepper and she informed you that he had been looking for you. Wondering why on earth he wanted to see you, you set off and made your way to his favourite lab, knowing he spend most of his time there. 

Walking in you were greeted by a smiling Tony. He stepped out from behind his desk and greeted you happily, asking you how you were doing. He didn't wait for you to answer as he linked your arms and guided you through the lab, towards the office next to it. 

“As you can see, this one is empty.” he said, his open hand waving through the room, showing the truth to his words. You nodded, your eyebrows furrowed. 

“My last assistant got herself another job upstairs and now I'm short a helping hand” he explained and you could not help but wonder why he was telling you this. 

“I heard you used to be an assistant before the theatre and was wondering if you could possibly help me out here” he said and shock ran through you. Why was he offering you a job? He never saw your resume, he had no idea what you were capable off. 

“Why?” the word was out if your mouth before you knew and shocked you brought your hand up to cover it, as if that would take it back. Tony just chuckled. 

“Because, I know you need a job and I need an assistant. Win-win right?!” Tony's honesty was refreshing. He was kind, but didn't beat around the bush. That happened to be just what you needed. Looking down at your hands, you shifted a little nervously. How did he know? Could Wanda have been that quick? 

“Who told you?” the question came out timid and weak. 

“Bucky,” Tony said, a kind smile still on his face, “He worries about you” 

“He really shouldn’t. Surely I'll land on my feet” your tried to defend yourself. 

“Of course you will. And with this job, just a little faster” he said and you chuckled. Taking a moment to think it over, you looked around the room. You never had a such a beautiful office, not even close. 

“I...would love it” you finally said and Tony hugged you, happily. 

“Great, Pepper will help you settle in, explain everything. It'll be great” he said and walked with you out of the office, through the hallway and into the office of pepper. There, Pepper had already been waiting with a contract, ready to sign. 

A part of you was angry that Bucky had told Tony. And a part of you was happy that he did. It meant that he cared, it meant that he wanted you to be well. It also meant that you were not as good at hiding your problems, as you thought.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first day of your new job, and while you just want to do it well, your friends keep distracting you.

'He worries about you' the words mulled over in your head, not letting you catch any sleep. And you really needed sleep. Tomorrow would be your first day of working for Tony and to get there on time, you would need to get up really early. You hadn't spoken to Bucky about this and didn't want to ask him to pick you up at such an ungodly hour. To pick you up, in Manhattan, at eight at the latest; he would have to leave the compound at least at seven and that was just too much to ask.   
So you had looked into the buses and found that to make it in time, you would have to catch the 7.15 bus. Luckily the nearest bus stop was only a street over. It wasn't a direct route, but it was the best you could find. 

You had set your alarm at six and closed your eyes, hoping sleep would come to you soon. Instead you had spend the last two hours hearing that one sentence and seeing Bucky's face. His beautiful eyes looked at you with worry as his lips formed words, speaking to you. However, you could not hear a sound. It was driving you insane.   
Four more hours, until your alarm went off. Groaning, you tossed and turned a bit more. Trying to focus on your breathing, your heartbeat, anything to clear your head. But those blue eyes kept haunting you as soon as you closed your eyes. 

Eventually you must have fallen asleep, because your alarm woke you up. Groggily your hand smashed at the sound, unsuccessfully. Opening your eyes a groan left your mouth now that you were forced to blink against the sunlight streaming into the room through the cracks of the curtains. Finally you reached for your phone and turned off the intrusive sound that it had been spewing. 

With a sigh you fell down on the bed again, you back on the mattress. You felt horrible, as sleep was still trying to pull you back. For a moment you tried to convince yourself that another ten minutes would not hurt. Yet even you could not fool your own mind on this subject and you got up with a deep sigh. If you went back to sleep, chances were that you would not wake for another hour. Which in turn would make you late for work. And being late on your very first day of a new job was not something that seemed at all enticing. 

Grabbing the clothes you had laid out the night before, you left your room in search of an available bathroom. The early hour made the search particularly short as they all seemed empty. Small favours.   
After your shower, you took a sip of the the water that was in your room and nibbled on some plain cream crackers that you had. It wasn't much, but at least you wouldn't show up with an empty stomach.   
Soon it was time to go and at a quick pace you made your way to the bus stop, fearing you'd be late after all. Despite having a good fifteen minutes to walk from the hostel to the bus stop. 

It was a little before 9 when you arrived at your new office, a smiling Pepper happily greeting you. She handed you a letter that held your personal passwords, informing you that once you had entered them, you could change them to anything you wanted. Then she proceeded to explain the job as efficiently as she could. Telling you to take your time to get acquainted with the system, and not worry about anything else. Once you were settled everything would fall into place. It was nearly ten when she left you, with the instruction to find either her or Tony if you needed any help. Although both of them had a meeting at ten, leaving you to your own devices for an hour or so.   
You nodded with a smile, certain you could pass the hour without needing their help. 

You logged in and were about to set of to work, when the first of (what would turn out to be) many interruptions occurred. A small knock on the door signalled a visitor and you quickly looked up, hoping it would not be someone asking you for anything yet. A tentative smile on your face as you awaited the person to come in. The smile soon turned into a broader one as Wanda walked in. 

“Hi there colleague” she said happily as she sat down on the edge of your desk, handing you one of the cups in her hand. Accepting it, you looked at the contents. Green tea, your favourite. Thankfully you sipped it and thanked her. 

“I won't keep you too long, but promise we'll have lunch” Wanda said and you agreed brightly. Who would say no to lunch with a good friend. Working here had some clear perks. She left after that. Although that morning alone, she came back twice. Both times it was just for small talk as she was just giddy to have her friend working so close by. 

The second time that Wanda came back, you were joined by Natasha, who had just finished her work out and came to see how you were settling in. It wasn't until twenty minutes later that they left you again and as you wanted to turn back to the computer to familiarise yourself with the system, another knock came. 

Chuckling you looked at the door expectantly, telling whoever was on the other side to come in. Half-expecting Wanda to walk back in, you were surprised to greet the smiling blue eyes of Bucky Barnes. It was almost eleven by now and you had hardly gotten any work done. Still you smiled as he walked in, handed you a bottle of water and sat down in the chair on the other side of your desk. 

“How are you settling in?” he asked as you took a sip of the water. He glanced around the office space as he waited for you to answer. 

“Somehow, I'm not getting that much done.” you said with a chuckle, making him turn his stare back to you.

“Why not?” he asked, his voice sounding slightly confused. 

“People keep barging in” you laughed and he barked out a laugh, his lips forming the word oops. He didn't look apologetic at all as he leaned back into the chair for a moment. 

“Fine, I won't keep you” he said, standing up, “have lunch later?” he asked as he walked to the door. 

“Sorry, already promised Wanda” you said apologetic and he shrugged, waved and left the room. You smiled as you watched his retreating back for a moment. You were really lucky to have met these people. Hopefully one day you could repay them for their kindness. 

Turning back to your computer you looked over the page that was up, reading the text on it once more, hoping for it to sink in. It explained all you needed to know about the system. You were hopeful that once you understood this, you would have no problems using it. 

Satisfied after the sixth time reading it, you grabbed a file, only the second you were working on this morning, and begin putting all the necessary information into the system. You had realised quickly, that although it looked much like excel, it worked much easier and efficiently. Which you were happy for, since your last administrative job had excel and you would often get thoroughly frustrated with it. 

“Can I at least drive you home?” Bucky asked, no more than ten minutes later, having come back for that one question. You looked up at him as he stood in the hallway, his head sticking through the doorway. He had a smile on his face, trying to charm you into say yes, probably. And it was working. He didn't have clue what he made you feel. You smiled back and shook your head before looking back at the computer in front of you. You couldn't keep asking him to be your chauffeur. This was your job, one you went to five days a week and getting to and from here was your own responsibility. 

“Please” his voice sounded pleading, making you look back up at him. His lips formed a pout and you couldn't help but laugh as the twinkling in his eyes told you he really wasn't planning on taking no for an answer. 

“Why” you finally asked him and feeling triumphant he stepped into the room, sitting down in a chair near your desk. Raising an eyebrow as you looked at him and he smirked in your direction before shrugging. 

“That's not good enough” you said, shrugging back at him. Certainly he knew you were teasing him. 

“It's much more convenient for you,”he began and upon seeing your pressed lips realised that was not going to persuade you, “and I like spending time with you” he quickly added. 

“I have a better idea” sounded the voice of Tony as he stepped into the room, through the door behind them. Bucky whipped his head back just as you jumped at the sudden intrusion. You had not expected Tony to come in. 

“What is that?” Bucky asked raising both his eyebrows in question. 

“Y/N gives up her place in Manhattan, and moves into the compound.” Tony stated, as if that was the only possible solution. 

“Wait what?” you exclaimed, feeling thoroughly confused by this turn of events. 

“That way, you don't need to interrupt her work here, you can just see her after” Tony sounded a little annoyed and you quickly looked back at the computer. Your cheeks heated up in shame as you realised that this first day had not been the best first impression on your new boss. After all you kept getting interrupted. Twice by Bucky, once by Nat and three times already by Wanda. How annoyed was he with you? Would he take back the job offer? 

“Sorry boss” you muttered and Tony sighed. He walked closer to you and put an hand on your shoulder, squeezing it gently. 

“This is not on you, Y/n. This is on him and the girls. I guess I don't give them enough work” he said and Bucky quickly got up, saying he was busy and needed to get back to his busy schedule. He quickly shouted that he would take you home that afternoon, to pick up your things. Laughing as you watched him quickly exit the room, you turned back to Tony. Thanking him again for the job and trying to decline the offer for a room in the compound. 

“No, take me up on this. It's much more convenient for me too. Working late suddenly won't be a problem” he shrugged and you smiled. You didn't want to be a charity case, but you could certainly use the money that living here would free up. Not to mention the time it would save you on travel alone. 

Grateful as you were for Tony and the fact that he made it seem convenient for him, you knew he was doing this for you. He just gave you the opportunity to pretend with him. To keep up the façade that this was not about helping you, but that it was a equally beneficial arrangement.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to your new job, you heard details of missions you really didn't want to know.

The next few weeks you worked hard to make a good impression on your new boss. Quickly getting the hang of the computer system and going through files as quick as you could. By the end of the first week you had made a good dent in the back log, as you wanted to be certain that Tony would not regret giving you a chance. Wanda told you, you needn't worry so much, but she still understood and supported you in your quest. She kept the interference to a minimum and instead only pulled you out of the office for lunch and dinner. 

By the end of the second week, Tony scolded you –albeit lovingly- for working late every day that week. He had exclaimed that working late was not wrong, but you also needed time off to relax. He made it clear that he wanted you to take care of yourself. Something you hadn't ever heard a boss tell you in the past. You had smiled and nodded, promising him you'd go home, knowing full well that if you hadn't stayed late, the back log would still be bugging you over the weekend. 

That said, you promised yourself a good night of relaxing, followed by a weekend of doing nothing. So while the avengers were called to investigate some new hydra rumours, you left the office at six sharp that evening and drew yourself a nice bath.   
It had been too long since you had allowed yourself an actual night of relaxation. And taking a bath in the hostel wasn't that inviting to begin with. So as you drifted off in the bathtub, you smiled. This was good. By the time you woke up, the water had turned significantly colder and you quickly got out. 

Dressed in your pyjama's you went to the kitchen for a quick bite, before going back to your room and crawling beneath the covers, where you grabbed the remote and turned on the TV to watch a movie. This routine was repeated on Saturday, although it involved a lot more junkfood then it had on Friday. 

When Sunday came around, you were well rested and happy to greet your friends as they returned from their mission. They were all silent and seemed beaten down. Prompting you to take care of them for the day. Making them dinner and helping them relax, while you prepared yourself for another work week. One where you had to promise yourself and Tony not to work late every single day. 

A promise that wasn't hard to keep, as Monday rocked you to the core. That morning you had received the reports from the team's latest mission and as you read them, a lot of what they dealt with became clearer. Not only did the report give you an insight to what Bucky had been subjected to during his time as the winter soldier. The horrors that even on paper, made your skin crawl.   
The report also told you of the injuries sustained by the team. Injuries they had not informed you off as you greeted them the day before. Injuries Bucky had not informed you off when he helped you in the kitchen after dinner. 

Angry, you stormed towards the gym, in search of him. You were angry that he had not told you. Angry that you had not noticed and upset that he thought he needed to hide these things from you.   
When you found him, he was in the boxing area, beating on a sandbag with an aggression you had not yet seen from him before that day. He was focussed on his movements, as he threw punch after punch, he didn't even notice you coming closer. Normally he heard every sound, felt changes in the air. He wasn't one to be surprised. 

“Bucky” you began softly, moving closer to him. His shoulders went rigid as he slowly turned towards you. His eyes screamed sadness as you looked into them and instead of the scolding you had wanted to give him, you just walked up to him and threw your arms around his neck. For a minute or so Bucky stood still in your embrace, not returning it nor moving away from it. You held on stubbornly, waiting for him to respond either way. When he did, he luckily didn't push you off, instead he wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you closer. 

Standing there in silence, you allowed him to choose the length of the embrace, not pulling away first. And once he finally did pull away, you moved your hands up to his cheeks. Caressing them with your thumbs. 

“I'm sorry, you had to relive that” you softly whispered, before placing a kiss on his forehead. He smiled a sad smile as you did so, but said nothing. 

“Is there anything I can do?” you then offered, hoping to relieve some of his pain, his anger and or his sadness. Preferably all of them, but you would settle for just one. 

“This helped” Bucky grumbled, pulling you in for another hug and kissing your temple. 

“If you ever want to talk, you know I'm here, right?” you wondered and he nodded, stepping away from you and removing the tape from his hands. Repressing a sigh, as you watched him pull away from you, you turned and walked back towards the door. He probably needed space and you wanted to listen to him. To adhere to the signs he gave. 

“This Friday, movie night. You in?” you asked, turning back to him once you had reached the door leading out of the gym. 

“Sure” he grumbled and grabbed the jump-robe, not looking at you as he began jumping. Sighing as you left the gym, you moved back up to your office. There you spend some considerable time staring at your screen, allowing yourself time to process. 

The rest of the week was luckily more mundane. On Monday you had clocked out a little early and Wanda had taken you into town for dinner. A much needed reprieve from all the things you had learned that day. Tuesday lunch was spend with Pepper and Wednesday evening you had a work-out with Natasha. 

When Friday finally came around, you had been able to shake the feeling that the report had left, a little. And you were able to genuinely be happy to see too the organisation of the first movie night in the compound. Or perhaps not the very first, but the first one you had been too. 

The day before, Steve, Natasha, Scott and Vision had gone out on a new mission. While Tony and Pepper had bowed out, to attend a benefit gala. Clint had gone home to his family earlier that week.   
Which left you to enjoy the evening with Wanda, Bruce, Bucky and Sam. 

Sam took it upon himself to choose the movie and he surprised you all with an oldie. White Chicks. Though he mentioned it being on of his favourites, you knew he had been careful to pick a movie that would uplift all of them. Sam was loud and loved to joke. He also used sarcasm as a shield sometimes. But he was caring and kind and he knew that Bucky probably needed a light hearted evening. 

By the end of it, Wanda and Sam were belting out a thousand miles, cracking everyone up. The snacks quickly vanished and Bruce bowed out, claiming the need for beauty sleep. Thirty minutes later Sam and Wanda also left.

You glanced at Bucky with a smirk, scooting closer to him. As soon as you were next to him, he looked back at you and smiled as he regarded your smirk. He raised his eyesbrows in question and you wondered if he was perhaps interested in an introduction to another cop comedy, in the form of Brooklyn nine nine. He agreed to it and you quickly turned on Netflix, happy that Tony had invested in an account for the compound. 

Two episodes in your eyes fluttered close and you drifted off into a light slumber. When the opening tunes to another episode started, you woke up again. You sighed softly as you fought off the remnants of sleep. And as you did, you noticed that you had chosen Bucky's shoulder as a pillow. Embarrassed you moved your head to look up at him and apologize. 

Bucky chuckled as you did, and as you stared into his beautiful blue eyes, you realized just how close your faces were. Your heart was hammering in your chest and your hands got clammy as he stared back into your eyes. His eyes glanced down at your lips briefly, before coming back up to your eyes. Your mouth went dry as your eyes mirrored his movements. 

A sigh escaped your lips, as you realised that you had been holding your breath. Bucky's nose touched yours as he placed his forehead against yours. His lips were close, so close and they ghosted over yours. Licking your lips, you kept looking into his eyes, wondering if this was really happening. 

When his lips finally touched yours, you knew it was real. Electricity shot through you and your heart fluttered. Moving your hands into hair at the nape of his neck you moved closer to him. His arms wrapped around your waist as he pulled to his chest. 

The kiss was sweet, gently and needy. And was taking over your mind, body and soul as feelings of warmth and love and happiness flooded you. There was no rush as his tongue explored your mouth lazily. Both of you simply enjoying the kiss. 

And if it had not been for Steve and Natasha coming into the room, who knew where it would have led to. As it was the two of you jumped at the first sounds of your friends and moved away from each other. Natasha dropped down on the couch, between you and Bucky, unaware of what had been happening. And she began chatting away happily about the current episode that was on. Mentioning her favourite parts. You just nodded and smiled, your cheeks still warm as you thought of what they had almost walked in on. You were on cloud nine and easily drifted into a peaceful sleep that night. Dreaming of those beautiful eyes staring into yours and those lips moving over yours softly.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next day you plan on finding Bucky and finding out what it all means....unfortunately it doens't go as planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From now on this site is up to date with tumblr. That mneans from now on, one chapter a week.   
> I hope you'll like it!

The night had ended with Natasha asking for a slumber party, saying she was far too wired to actually catch any sleep. Therefore she wanted to have fun. You agreed, knowing Natasha rarely had trouble sleeping. Not did she open up to anyone easily. Her not wanting to be alone, meant the mission did something to her. The least you could do was be her friend and distract her. 

Which you did, to the best of your ability. You played games, watched a comedy and you even did her nails. However, after the tenth time of you spacing out, she demanded to know what was going on and you could not lie. Especially not when the question caught you off guard. And so you told her about the kiss. And all the feelings they had stirred inside of you. About the fact that you had wanted to keep kissing. That it wasn't until her and Steve walked in that either of you pulled away. 

Horrified by realizing that she had interrupted you, she apologized profusely. You waved her worries away. Too happy by the kiss still to even worry about it ending. Giddy as a school girl, you spoke to Natasha, who mirrored your behaviour to a tee, about all the things you hoped would happen. Everything you wanted and hoped he wanted as well. How he was amazing. And gentle. And patient. And he seemed to be exactly what you had always wanted. 

You already imagined a future with him where you dated and got to know one another better. Where you eventually would get more serious and become a couple. You imagined that he would overcome all his inhibitions when it came to becoming close to someone. That he would even one day propose to you, have children with you. Be your family. 

Naturally, these were all crazy imagines of a perfect future. You weren't delusional enough to think it would all happen. You weren't even sure it would go beyond this initial kiss. However, it was nice to dream. It had been a long time since you were able to dream like this. And Natasha happily played along, probably glad to have a mind taken off her latest mission.   
It was well into the morning when the two of you finally fell asleep. 

When you woke up, Natasha was still in a deep slumber on the other side of the bed. Quietly you got out and left her note, before leaving the room. First you went over to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water and making a bowl of muesli and yoghurt. Eating it slowly, you wondered if Bucky was already in the gym by now. You weren't sure what to say to him, but you knew you wanted to talk to him. 

How did he feel about the events of last night? Would he like to repeat it? You knew you did. He was a great kisser. Not only that, the crush you thought you had with him, was now intensified. You knew you liked him a lot and you just needed to know if he liked you back.   
As you rinsed your bowl, you decided to go to the gym and find him. It really didn't matter to you that the others saw you pulling him away. They could only guess to the reason and you knew neither of you would tell them until all questions had been answered. 

Again you stood before the large wide swinging doors, taking a deep breath before pushing them open. You were nervous, much more so than you had anticipated over breakfast.   
Squaring your shoulders, you finally stepped into the gym. As you glanced around you were surprised to find it empty. No Steve, no Bucky, no Sam. And they were always in there in the mornings.   
A little annoyed by the anti-climax you walked back out, trying to decide where to look next. As you wander the hall, you run into Wanda. 

“Hey, I've been looking for you” she said as she linked arms with you. You smiled and raised your eyebrows in a silent question. 

“Bucky asked me to tell you, he left on a mission this morning. Apparently you had plans?” Wanda asked, the tone of her voice signalling the unasked questions that were running through her mind. She wanted to know about your plans. Plans important enough, evidently, to have her tell you he left. You shrugged silently, letting the smile on your face tell it's own story and she squealed a little before pulling you in the direction of the elevator, quickly taking you to the floor of her room.   
There she quickly pushed you in a seat, sitting herself across from you. 

“Well, tell me” she said impatiently and you chuckled, before telling her all about last night. 

“You should have woken me up” she sounded a little offended that you hadn't. 

“I wasn't going to tell anyone, before speaking to Bucky first. But then Nat needed a friend, so I sorta told her. And now, I am not sure how long I'll have to wait before I can talk to Bucky....so I can't keep it from you” 

“You should never keep such things from me” Wanda said with feigned scolding. 

“I am glad you want to live vicariously through me, however, I am not usually one to kiss and tell”   
you smiled, before turning serious again, “does this mission have anything to do with the one Nat and Steve just got back from?”you wondered and Wanda could only confirm your suspicions. 

Wanda quickly filled you in on all she knew, which unfortunately wasn't all that much. Steve and Natasha had been on a short stake-out mission of sorts. They had uncovered some things that brought back a lot of hurt from Natasha's past and Steve had quickly brought her home.   
With only a few hours of sleep in his system, he quickly rallied Sam and Bucky to go back with him. He wanted to find out exactly what was going on. 

“What things from her past?” you wanted to know, but Wanda could not tell you. She had not been informed of it. The two of you sat in Wanda's room, talking about anything and everything, when Natasha joined you. The looks on your faces told her that something was up and she demanded to know what. She wasn't ready to talk about her past, she wasn't sure how she felt about it yet. And as hard as it was, both Wanda and you decided to accept that answer for the time being.

Natasha however, became quite angry that she had been left out of the mission, sulking around the compound for the rest of the day. Snapping at everyone that dared to be in her way. Wanda and you tried to keep her occupied, but wasn't an easy thing to do.   
Somehow neither one you thought Steve was wrong for keeping her out of it, but you also didn't have a death-wish and so you kept those thoughts from Natasha. 

You spend the next few days in your office, daydreaming about the kiss and you found yourself unable to focus on anything for too long. This was of course much to Tony's annoyance and Pepper's amusement. Neither of them knew exactly what was distracting you, although they would probably be able to put two and two together. According to Natasha and Wanda, you were less than subtle sometimes and with the residual excitement of the kiss coursing through you, you were certain subtlety was far from where you were.

You just smiled and took it all their reactions in stride, including the teasing by Natasha and Wanda as you seemed to float through your days. You were happy and it had been a while since you had felt that.

It was Friday again when the men returned from their mission. They walked into the kitchen, where everyone was getting ready for dinner. His eyes locked on yours and you smiled. He returned it, starting to walk over to you when al of the sudden a loud bang broke the eye contact.   
Bucky's metal arm was stuck to the wall next to the fridge, Bucky watched it with confusion.   
He pulled it free rather effortlessly, scanning the room to catch the culprit. His cheeks were turning a deep red and Natasha burst out laughing, followed quickly by various other members of the team. 

While most had reacted with surprise, Bucky quickly found Tony, leaning on the door frame looking smug. He smirked at his team-mate and explained that he had decided to paint the wall. 

“Like the colour?” he asked innocently, before explaining that he had used magnetic paint. That way the team could leave notes to one another. Not only was that unnecessary, he had obviously deliberately waited to tell everyone until now. Bucky just raised his eyebrows, a glint appearing in his eyes. Tony would surely be on the look-out for payback. As Bucky joined in on the laughter, Steve and you finally felt free to release the giggles you had been holding in. 

The evening was relaxed. Having dinner as a group and nobody talking hop while they did. It was nice. People laughed, shared stories, made plans. All the while you could not find a single moment alone with Bucky. You really wanted to talk to him. Or better yet, kiss him again, but the group was sticking together. 

Eventually you went off to bed and waited a while before you sprung ito action again. It wasn;t until midnight struck that you made your way to Bucky's room. Upon entering the hallway that his room was in, all courage seemed to leave you, but you didn't stop. 

You timidly knocked on his door and waited, impatiently dancing on the balls of your feet. It wasn't long before he opened the door with a gruff 'yes?'. As soon as he saw that it was you, he smiled brightly. 

“Hi” he said softly and stepped aside, allowing you entrance to his room. You smiled back and stepped in. Time to talk.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally you can talk about the kiss. However, it does not go entirely as you had planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is shorter than others. However, I am hopful that I will add another chapter later this week. Before I usually add another chapter. This moment just needed more room than one chapter could give it.

“So...” you stood awkwardly in the room, facing Bucky. He still sported a small smile on his face, while you just kept wringing your hands. All courage had left the room, no the building, by now and you had no idea where to begin. 

“Yeah” he sighed, the air thick with tension. Bucky seemed to be in no better state, you realised. 

You could not help but chuckle and Bucky quickly joined in. This was possibly the most awkward moment since meeting each other. It really wasn't going how you had hoped it would. Then again, you had imagined to have been much braver. And in your imagination Bucky always knew what to say. Apparently, real life had different plans. You realised quickly that you really needed to take Bucky from the pedestal you had placed him on. He was only human after all. A super soldier, sure, but one with all the human emotions and feelings. He could be at a loss for words just as easily, obviously. Glancing up at his face, you met those blue orbs as they stared back at you. 

“We're good at this, aren't we” Bucky chuckled once more and you shook your head with a smile. 

“That we surely are.” you agreed before sighing deeply and sitting down on the chair near his desk. The chair was hard and the seat therefore not very comfortable. You were struck by the Spartan furniture. There were no personal touches, not lounge chairs or anything for relaxation. Everything in the room was functional. And it was nearly empty. 

There was only one picture frame in the room and it stood in a corner, nearly hidden from sight. In it sat a picture of Bucky and Steve. You guessed it was from the forties, since the man standing next to Captain America looked nothing like the man before you. The energy he oozed was entirely different. 

Picking it up, you stared at the young face of Bucky. He seemed happy, carefree. Unburdened by life. Such a difference from today. While he seemed happy, he was certainly not carefree or unburdened. The Bucky you knew felt guilt. He had the weight of the world on his shoulders and he carried that weight alone most of the time. Silently Bucky watched as your fingers grazed his face in the picture. 

“I wish he could have met you” Bucky said softly. His face wore a pained expression as he said those words and you wanted to wrap your arms around him, kiss it better. The past hurt him much more than he usually let on and you wished you could change that. 

“So he could marvel at how screwed up I am?” you snorted and he laughed with you. 

“You're not screwed up” he softly whispered after the laughing had died, looking at you intensely. 

“Maybe. I'm glad to know you though, this version of you.” you said, looking up at him again after placing the picture back on the small cabinet next to the desk, staring at it a moment longer, before turning back to Bucky. 

“Yeah?” he wondered and you were surprised by the tone in his voice. All this time Bucky had been taking care of you. Exuding confidence in every step. But that confidence seemed far away now as he uttered that word. How was it possible for one man to seem so confident when in reality he truly wasn't? 

Turning you body, so you were fully facing him again, you stepped closer. Placing one hand on his chest and the other on his cheek, stepping even closer. Leaning forward on your tiptoes, you kissed his lips softly. Just a peck. Before giving him a convincing yes, I do. There was no lie in those words. The old Bucky would have probably been great too. But could he have eased your fears? Could he have held you close, while panic ran through you? Could he have captured your heart so effortlessly? And perhaps, he could. But would he have? Was he as compassionate as this version of Bucky was? As in tune with his emotions? 

Moving back to stand on the soles of your feet, you maintained eye contact as you smiled. He returned the smile and leaned down, his kiss a little less gentle and more demanding. His flesh hand wrapped itself in your hair while the metal hand pulled you into him by the waist. 

Pulling back on for a second, his lips ghosting yours, he muttered that he really liked you too. Then he quickly placed his kips firmly on your once more. You returned the kiss eagerly. One hand moving to his shoulder, as the other remained on his cheek. He really was a good kisser. You could easily forget everything. Be aware of just him, and the way his lips tasted. He was intoxicating, in the best way possible. And as his hands began to roam your body, you could feel your skin tingling everywhere. 

You felt warm all over and excited. Your senses were on fire as the two of you kept kissing. Standing in the middle of the room, neither one of you wanting moving from this spot, or this moment. His tongue touched your lips and you quickly opened your mouth for him, exploring his mouth as he did yours. The hand you had held on his cheek, now tangled into his hair, as you both tried to get even closer to the other. The kiss was passionate, though never rushed. There was no pressure to move forward, this was good. This was great. And right where you wanted to be. 

By the time you both came up for air, it felt like time had stood still, as you looked into his eyes with a smile on your face, perhaps this had gone far better than anything you could have imagined.   
He smiled back at you, the glow in his eyes warm as the blue seemed ignited. His hand caressed your cheek as he still held you close to him. 

This time you closed the distance between you again. Lips crashing against his, wrapping your arms around his neck. His hands moved to cup your butt and he pulled you up. You wrapped your legs around his waist and tried to get as close to him as you could. Bucky moved towards the bed and sat down, you in his lap. Straddling him, you continued to kiss him, heat spreading through your body as he returned it with just as much want. His hands went to roam your body once more, his metal hand finding the hem of your shirt and he began to pull it up. The cold of the metal made you shiver slightly and he stopped. 

His lips stopped moving and he pulled back. The magic seemed lost and you opened your eyes to look at him, wondering what had happened.   
Looking down at you, he seemed to have much to say, but his mouth remained closed. Though he looked happy, he seemed to struggle. There was a storm of emotions clear in his eyes and you wondered just what was on his mind. 

You really didn't want to end what had been happening, but you knew you should. You had initially come here to talk, and perhaps that was what really needed to be done. The kissing was nice, more than nice. And you really wanted to pick that up again later. But perhaps first, you needed to discuss what you wanted from the other. What you needed this to be, or not to be. 

“What are you thinking?” you asked him softly as you looked up quizzically. Hopefully he would tell you, open up to you. Natasha had already told you that he usually played it close to the vest. He didn't let many people in. However, up until now he had let you in and you hoped he would keep doing so. 

“Just” he trailed off, looking around the room as his hands dropped from your body and back to his sides. He sighed and you climbed of his lap, sitting next to him on the bed. 

“Is this really what you want. What you need?” he asked and looked at his hands. 

“What do you mean?” this confused you, you thought you'd been pretty obvious. 

“How long has it been since Daniel?” he asked and you could feel the pang shoot through your heart. It had been a while since Daniel even crossed your mind. However, it had really not been that long since you had ended it. Only a few months, since you packed your bags. And after such a long time together, Bucky was right to question it. He had a right to know, you knew this. 

You just didn't really know the answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it. The next one will hopefully be up in a few days.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your conversation with Bucky doesn't go according to plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry. I thought I had posted this chapter earlier this week. But something went wrong I guess. Here it is....

_'How long had it been since Daniel?'  
_

It was a fair question. A question he needed to ask and one that you needed to answer. Truthfully. For the answer itself would hold so much more than the simple passing of time. It would mean everything. It could make or break this moment. Make or break whatever the two of you had or could have.

You no longer loved Daniel, that much was certain. That was not the problem. But loving Daniel had changed you. And you were just getting back to you. Were you really ready to be with someone else?

 

Bucky would never treat you as Daniel had, but that was not the issue here either. Would  _ you _ retort to previous behaviour? After all Daniel could never have gotten the power he held, if you had not given it to him. And he had not held you at gunpoint. Or beaten you into submission. He had simply taken the power, been the instigator in almost every part of your relationship. And you had let him. Could he be blamed for that? Partly, absolutely, a good man would never have. However, you needed to be honest and accept your own part in it all.   
  
You hadn't put up a single fight as he took control of your life. You had relinquished it easily, willingly. It had been simple, letting someone else decide. Letting someone else deal with the hard parts. And taking back control had felt so invigorating that you had not stopped to think about the why. Why had you given in to him so quickly? Why had it been so easy for you to give up? 

 

“I really do like you” you said after a few minutes of silence, the air thick between you two. 

 

“I know” Bucky said with a rueful smile. You looked at him and placed your hand back on his cheek, staring into his eyes and placing a soft, quick peck on his lips. You really liked him, wanted him, wanted to be with him. But what did you need? 

 

“I want you” you added after the kiss, hoping to convey all the emotions that he stirred in you. He made you happy, calm. He made you feel safe. Should you rely on another for that safety? Should you not be your own warrior? Or at least know that you could be? 

 

“Yeah” he knew that too.   
  
“I...” you trailed off, silence hanging between you once more. 

 

“I'm not what you need right now” Bucky said softly, a sad smile on his face as he placed his hand over the one you had on his cheek. 

 

“I don't know” you replied honestly, defeated. 

 

You really wished you had an answer for him. A better one. You were falling fast and hard for Bucky. You wanted to be with him. But he deserved better than what you could give him right now, you knew that. He deserved the world. You wanted to be able to give him everything. No fear, no doubt. And while you didn't doubt him, not for a second. His question, that one simple question, had made you question yourself.  
  


His kiss had been intoxicating. Would you lose yourself in him as you had done with Daniel? Did he deserve that? No, he deserved much, much better. As did you, truth be told. Both of you deserved a relationship of equals. And you weren't sure that you could give that to him. Not right now.  
  


You looked back into his eyes, tears brimming yours. He was so good to you. He was perfect. He deserved you to be perfect for him. And you weren't. Not yet. You needed to work on yourself. Perhaps seek help. Figure out why you behaved the way you had in the past. And make sure you wouldn't in the future. Because Bucky was the best thing to ever happen to you and he deserved a woman that was in full control of herself. A woman that knew who she was and what she needed and wanted in life. You knew what you wanted, what you needed. But did you really know yourself?

 

Slowly you inched closer to him and he mirrored your actions. Your lips meeting somewhere in the middle. The kiss was not passionate, as the one before had been. It was gentle, soft and needy. Neither of you willing to end this moment. Because the moment it ended, so did you. And neither of you was really ready for that. And so you sat, on his bed, arms around one another. Hoping for the world to stop, for time to stop from moving forward. Just so you could stay in this moment forever.

 

*******

 

That night you had fallen asleep in Bucky's arms. It had felt right for that moment. To be together, perhaps for the last time. Knowing that this could possibly be all that you would ever have with him. A few wonderful kisses and a bucket load of feelings. And not knowing what to do with those feelings, now that you knew you could not shower him in them.  
  
As much as you wanted to let him know that you liked him. It would not help him, nor you. If you really wanted to work on yourself, you needed to create some distance. Allow him to move on from you. Perhaps move into the arms of someone else. That idea alone was enough to make you cry, but you held it together as you snuck out of his room in the covers of darkness.

 

Walking silently, you crossed the hall to the room of the one person that you knew would comfort you. Knocking softly, hoping she would hear, you stood before Wanda's door. It was only 6 in the morning and she usually slept in. A part of you was screaming to let her rest, but you really needed your friend right now. However, you drew the line at knocking again.

 

Luckily you didn't need too, because just as you were about to walk away Wanda opened her door. Her hair was a mess and you could tell she had been sleeping. You quickly apologized and offered to speak to her later. Then Wanda's eyes grew bigger and she pulled you into her room. She quickly sat you down on the edge of her bed and grabbed her phone, typing a short message. Probably to Natasha. She always asked for advice from Nat if she was stumped by someone's feelings.

 

“Are you okay?” she asked softly, sitting down next to you and wrapping an arm around you. You knew you didn't need to tell her what had happened. Your thoughts had already swarmed her brain. 

A few moments later the door opened and closed quietly and Natasha walked in, looking rushed. She quickly fell down on her knees before you, a hand on your knee, rubbing comforting circles.

 

“What happened” she asked and while you knew Wanda could most likely tell her, you knew it would help to tell the story yourself. Getting it out there would make it more real. 

 

With a soft voice you began telling them about the reason that you sought out Bucky. You wanted to know where you stood. You were hopeful it would end in a budding relationship. Instead he had asked you a question that you could not answer.

You told them about all the doubt and all the pain the question had stirred in you and that you felt that you were doing Bucky a disservice if you began anything with him now. He deserved better.

 

Natasha agreed with you on that. She had a bit of a soft spot for Bucky. After all she understood him. How he had to build himself up again after hydra. There had been a time, when she two had to rebuild herself. And so she applauded you for stepping away when you did, no matter how hard it was. And then she comforted you because she could only imagine how hard that must have been.

 

“Now what?” Wanda wanted to know and you shrugged. You weren't sure how to answer that question either. 

 

“Quick ask me 2+2” you muttered and Nat gave you a rueful smile, while Wanda just hugged you closer. 

 

“It's okay, to not have all the answers you know” Wanda said and you nodded. You knew she was right, but that did not lift the horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach. 

 

“What can we do?” Natasha asked and you took her hand in yours, squeezing it gently. 

 

“You're already doing it” you said using your other hand to pat on Wanda's leg. How on earth had you gotten through anything in the past, without girlfriends? Sure in high school you had friends, but those friendships were nothing like this. Those were more fleeting and not deep at all. You knew these women would be in your life for a long time to come. You could lean on them and they would not turn you away. They would be honest with you and always have your back.  
And you would do anything for them. 

 

You talked for another hour with Wanda and Natasha. Going over everything until your voice felt raw. And upon deciding that perhaps you should seek professional help, you yawned.  
Wanda quickly offered you her bed, before promising to wake you in a little bit. Natasha would look into counselling for you. Both women telling you that they would be there for you every step of the way. And so, with a massive headache, you laid down your head and closed your eyes, hoping to give your weary mind some much needed rest.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so...I figured it out. Apparently I saved it as a draft instead of posting ....I was in a rush. It does explain why there were so little new views to the story.   
> I should really learn to take my time with these things.   
> anyway, I hope you enjoyed it anyway, despite the delay.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first week after your conversation with Bucky, you do everything you can to avoid him, hoping that will help...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy hell, three chapters in one week...it was a bit much too write but I really wanted to move this along.  
> Anyway, I hope you like it!

The following week went by rather quickly, as you tried your best to avoid Bucky entirely. It was hard seeing him. And perhaps even harder to not see him. However, it felt like the right thing to do. You didn't think that it would help him if you were around him as much. After all, he must have felt at least some of the emotions you were currently dealing with. 

That was why you had called off your usual lunch date on Tuesday and on Thursday. And it was also why on friday, your regular movie night, Wanda, Natasha and Pepper had decided to do a girls night. Pepper had also invited Maria hill, who would join your group at a later moment. They wanted to get you out of the tower and out of your head a little. It was sweet really. And it gave you an actual excuse to relay to Bucky. Nothing made up this time. 

The past few days you had focussed on work as much as you could, going through files at lighting speed and reorganising the office and all it's supplies. Tony meanwhile, had tiptoed around you. You knew he was trying to be sensitive to your feelings, but it distracted you even more than Steve's lingering glances from the hallway or Sam's attempts at getting you to crack a smile. None of them said a word about Bucky. Still you knew they were aware of what had happened. 

News travelled fast in the compound, everyone seemed to know and nobody knew how to respond. Being the compassionate friend he was, Sam had even offered to switch placed with Bucky on his next mission. Tony and Steve had voted against it, urging to keep things as they were as much as possible. However, when another mission came up, Bucky was asked to join in on that. He would leave the Saturday morning. Steve and Vision would go with him. 

This new mission worried you more than you liked to admit. At work, you had been easily distracted. However, you did administrative work. Nothing dangerous about some numbers being entered late. Bucky would be in possible danger. He would be around guns and on enemy territory.  
This led you to corner both Vision and Steve to ensure that they would take care of Bucky. Even though in your heart, you knew they always would, you just needed to have it confirmed. Which naturally they did, telling you not to worry. They'd have him back in no time. 

You failed to see Bucky before he left though. As much as you tried to put it on time restraints, you knew that wasn't true. You just didn't know how to face him. So when the girls found you, you didn't say a word and followed them out of the compound. You gave the hallway that led to his room a lingering glance, but you didn't stop. 

They took you to a few bars and with the wine freely distributed, the girls grew louder and the conversations a little more scandalous. Soon you were listening to Pepper, Natasha and Maria telling the most embarrassing stories they had. Embarrassing to the men naturally. And all of you were crying from laughing so hard. 

A few more drinks down the line, the conversations became more sappy. Pepper telling about the wonderfully romantic things Tony had done to make up to her. And with all the times he screwed up, there were plenty of stories. All of them wonderful and cute. It was nice to hear about this softer side of the snarky avenger. You smiled as you listened to her and the others, not offering up much in return. Your mind wasn't in it. But you were thankful for the women to keep you occupied and for making you laugh.  
By the time the night ended, everyone was hoping to find a love like Tony and Pepper. Or, perhaps just something similar. You were certain Tony wouldn't mix quite as well with the rest of you. 

As soon as you were in bed, however, thoughts went back to your own love story. One that might not be similar to Pepper's. But it could be. If only you were in the right place. The right mindset.  
After three hours of tossing and turning, you got up and decided that not seeing Bucky off was worse than seeing him off. Quickly you put on some shoes and a bathrobe, before running to the elevator. There you pressed the button to the hangar and hoped that the jet would still be there. 

It wasn't. 

Crushed you stood there, staring at the empty spot where the jet had been before. You had missed him. This was the first time that you had not spoken to Bucky before a mission, since knowing him. And while at any other time, that would not have been a big deal, you knew very well that it was now. It signalled the end for you. Of what you'd had with him. You were letting him go, against your will, but you had too. 

When Monday came around, the mission went into it's third day. It had been the three the longest you'd had in a while. Being a covert mission, there was no communication at all. Those happened a lot and you dealt with them. However, no one could deny that this time was different. It was so much harder to not know where they were and how they were doing. Mostly because you hadn't spoken to him before he left. You had no idea about his mindset. And you hadn't told him how you felt. Of course, you couldn't tell him that anyway. It wouldn't be fair. Still, you hoped he knew that you cared, despite avoiding him. 

You were just wrapping up in the office when you heard movement behind you. Turning slowly, you recognised his sent before you even saw him and your whole body seemed to relax. As soon as he stood before you, you pulled him into a hug. Crushing him against you, without thinking if he even wanted a hug. Luckily he returned it.  
Spending a few minutes wrapped in his arms, letting your nerves settle, felt like heaven. 

Eventually you stepped back and looked up at his face, meeting his eyes. Those beautiful blue orbs looked down at you and you offered him a small smile. He pulled you back in for another hug, though it lasted considerably sorter this time. 

“Please don't avoid me again” Bucky whispered into your hair and with a deep sigh you nodded. 

“I thought it would be easier, but I hated not talking to you” you confessed, meeting his eyes once more, hoping to convey your regret. 

“I'm not saying I don't need some distance...but no contact at all is too much” He gave a small chuckle at the end of his sentence. It told you all you needed to know. He was as uncertain as you were, about where this would lead. And about how to act. 

There was no manual on what to do. And figuring out how to be around one another was going to be something you would have to figure out together. If you were not speaking, that would be made a million times more difficult. And that was why you promised to keep talking to him. To keep trying to find a balance with him. Even though you knew, distance would be cleaner. And in the long run probably easier. You just hated thinking of a time where he wasn't in your life. 

That was definitely something you would have to discus with your therapist next week. Yes, that 's right. Starting next week you would be going to see a shrink. And hopefully you would be able to truly work through your issues. You had plenty of them. After your talk with Bucky you had thought long and hard about everything you had been doing in your life. And while you sought the road of least resistance in the past few years, that had not been who you used to be as a child. Or even as a teenager. 

You wanted to know exactly why you changed this much. Perhaps wanted wasn't the right word. You needed to know. Especially if you wanted any chance of a happy relationship. With anyone really, although right now you only wanted one if it was with Bucky. Then again would you be ready in time? Or would he have moved on by the time you finally felt like you again? It was a chance you had to take. There was no other way. He deserved the best. 

And that was exactly what you told your psychiatrist, Mrs. Aminata Johnson, when you met her. She had simply raised her eyebrows upon your words, but said nothing as you told her about the problems you were currently facing. Telling her all about the love you held for Bucky. And the uncharacteristic change in your behaviour with Daniel. You spoke of Wanda and Natasha, and the new found friendships you had build with them. Ending with the same sentence, they all deserved the best. 

Doctor Johnson was silent all the way through, only responding by humming or nodding and shaking her head to show you she was listening intently. Her face held a sympathetic expression the whole time through. 

When you were finally done telling her all you thought she should know, all that you were troubled with, she looked down at her notes and took a deep breath. As she exhaled she looked up and met your eyes and smiled kindly at you. 

“Thank you for sharing this with me,” she began, “you have given me much to think about as well.” 

She let that hang in the air, for a few minutes before asking you one question, one she wanted you to mull over in the week until your next meeting. 

“They all deserve the best, you said.” you nodded and again she smiled at you, “and what do you deserve?” she then asked and you looked at her confused. 

You were here weren't you? You wanted to work through your problems and become a better person. Didn't that mean anything? Did that not show her that you wanted better for yourself as well? After some silence, she informed you that time was up and she wanted an answer next week. 

You nodded and got up from your seat, extending your hand for her to shake. She did and walked with you to the door of her office. There she said goodbye and called in her next patient, while you stood there, a little dazed by her question. Of course you wanted the best for yourself. So why would she ask you that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. The next one will be according to my normal schedule. Next weekend.  
> Please let me know what you're thinking of this story so far.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wanda tries to help you, best she can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay. next chapter will come soon!

“Come on, please!” Wanda pleaded with a big bright smile plastered on her face. She knew just how hard it was to say no to that face. You shook your head with a chuckle and looked back at your computer screen, intend on ignoring her pleas. She had been at it for 15 minutes already. 

“Y/N! Who knows when we'll be able to do this otherwise” Wanda pressed on and you sighed. She knew just what to say to you. She knew that you probably wanted to say yes. She also knew why you weren't. You looked up at her and raised an eyebrow. 

“What did you have planned?” you asked and the smug look on Wanda's face told you she knew that she had won you over. She had been assigned a new mission and would leave in a few days time. It wasn't clear how long the mission would last exactly, but the estimation said two weeks.  
And with the current amount of time the two of you spend together. Two weeks felt like an eternity.   
Wanda wanted to go out and have fun before she left. She had mentioned before that she wanted to go to a theme park. And she had also mentioned the options in the area. In the end the she had picked Six flags and then she had spend two days asking you to take a day off from work. 

It really wasn't that you were unwilling. You were just worried that it would be hard to fake your smile the entire day. Your heart was still aching over Bucky and you really didn't feel like a day out. That said, you did want to hang out with Wanda as much as you could before she left.   
You were already dreading the idea of missing her for two weeks. Wanda had been such a massive support the past two weeks and you weren't afraid to admit that you wanted to lean on her a little longer. She made the days a little more bearable. 

You glanced back to the door leading to Tony's lab and saw it was ajar. You chuckled as you realised he must have been listening in. he was too nosy for his own good. It was because he worried bout you, you knew. And because Wanda had already asked him to convince you.   
Without raising your voice, you called out his name and he stood in the doorway far too soon, blowing his cover of the hard working boss. 

He smiled semi-innocently and pretended not to know what you wanted. Playing his game, went into a full blown explanation of Wanda's dilemma. That she was leaving soon and wanted to spend time with her friend. That she had been pleading with you for days, but as the loyal employee, you had turned her down time after time. You even mentioned that she was very distracting at this point. 

Tony smirked, before joining in on your theatrical tale. He agreed that Wanda was a nuisance, keeping you from your work and now, by extension even him. Telling her that he should really duck her pay, which earned him a snort from the scarlet haired woman. Then he said the words that all of them had known were coming. He proposed a compromise. Where you would take the next day off and spend it with Wanda, if and only if she would let you get back to work at the present time.  
Wanda laughed loudly as she did a victory dance while you chuckled as you watched Tony walk back to his lab, this time closing the door properly. 

A few hours later you were finally turning off your computer and leaving the office. You stretched a little as you walked through the hallway towards the elevator. Stiff from the many hours of sitting behind your desk. You had been intend on doing as much as you possibly could, to make up for the impromptu day off. 

You pressed the button for the elevator and waited for it to come. The plan was to take a quick shower before dinner and wash of the stiffness. You were bending down to touch your toes as the elevator dinged, signalling his arrival. Without looking at the other occupants you stepped inside. 

Once there you quickly pressed the number to your floor and sighed loudly, before looking the other people inside. There were two people with lab coats hanging over there arms, talking amongst themselves. And behind them stood Bucky. Your smile faltered for half a second and then it was back. He smiled back and then turned back to his phone.   
When the other two people got out on the next floor, your heartbeat started to rise quickly and your hands started to sweat. 

“I heard you're going to six flag tomorrow” Bucky said as he put his phone in his pocket and stood next to you. A little voice inside of you told you to run, to avoid this situation that was obviously making you anxious. Since you couldn't, you just plastered on a smile and nodded. Hoping that he could not see just how jittery you were, you wiped your hands on your jeans, before tucking them in your pockets. 

Taking a deep breath, you tried to steady your pulse. You wondered how long it would be, before you could be around him again and not feel like this. Obviously two weeks weren't enough. 

“Having a bit of fun, before she goes on that mission” you clarified and this time he nodded. 

He then opened his mouth and closed it again a few times, without saying anything. Finally he settled on wishing you fun, before he quickly jumped out the elevator before the doors even fully opened. You snorted a little, strangely satisfied that this was as uncomfortable for him as it was for you. As soon as that sensation ended, you were kicking yourself again for screwing it all up. This was not what you had wanted at all. You wanted to kiss him. To hold him close. To tell him all your secrets. And to listen to his. Instead you were having small talk. 

Stepping out of the elevator after him, you watched as he practically sprinted towards his room. There he got in quickly and slammed the door behind him. Shaking your head, you walked in the opposite direction. This had to get better soon. Right? 

***

The next morning you had gotten up early and joined Wanda for a quick breakfast in the kitchen. The compound was still quiet. Nobody was up yet. Or at least, nobody was on this floor. You were certain that two certain super soldiers would already be in the gym and that Natasha would soon join them. 

As soon as you were done, you grabbed a thermos bottle for your tea and one for Wanda's coffee, while Wanda grabbed the keys to the car that Tony had generously loaned you for the day. Giddy with the prospect of the day, the two of you left the compound behind. Ready to have fun. 

By the time the two of you had gotten back, you were happy that Wanda had talked you into going.  
It had not been hard at all to keep a smile on your face. The day had been a blast and the two of you spend so much time laughing, that you were expecting massive muscle aches in the morning. 

And you weren't wrong. When your alarm went the next morning, the second extremely early day of the week, you groaned loudly as you moved your stiff muscles. It was far too early to be up, but here you were, getting dressed at 6 in the morning. And after the long tiring day yesterday, that was tough. Still, it was for a good cause, you tried to tell yourself. You repeated it like a mantra as you put your clothes on. And later again when you made breakfast and tea. 

Today would be your second session with Dr Johnson. The appointment was at 8, which you regretted now. At the time you had figured that this would help you not miss too much of work. Today you wished for an extra hour of sleep. Then again you were probably too riled up to sleep.   
You were anxious and somewhat nervous. There was no good answer to her question from last week and you had always been a bit of an overachiever. You always wanted people to like you, to please them. Especially authority figures such as teachers, bosses....and your shrink it turned out. 

When you walked into her office, 8 o’clock on the dot, she greeted you with a kind smile. You shook her hand and returned it, hoping for it not to seem to forced. The nerves had gotten worse as you got closer to the office building. However, if she noticed them, she did a good job of ignoring it. Instead she asked how you were doing. She asked simple questions. Ones that would qualify as small talk. It helped you ease into the meeting and after a few minuted of de-stressing she finally asked you if you had an answer for her. Which you didn't really.   
Instead you told her about your thought process. How you had trouble with forming a good coherent answer, because wasn't your presence in her office a sign that yes, you wanted the best for yourself? 

She smiled and nodded, agreeing that it was definitely a good sign. And she was happy that you had taken the step, for yourself. She also explained that she worried that you were too focussed on others in your life. And while it was a good to have such a kind gentle heart, that she wanted you to put yourself first sometimes. You nodded in understanding. It was no secret that you always wanted to make others happy. That much you could admit to her and yourself. 

Happy by your admission she then asks yo to tell her your life story. Explaining that she wants to know more about you, in order to help you figure this all out. And perhaps talking through the events that shaped you, would help you see your own cycles.   
You smiled kindly at this but wondered if that would happen. After all, you were well aware of the things you did and all that had happened to you or because of you. It had not helped you see any patterns in your behaviour before. Besides the pleasing that is.   
How would repeating your life's story change that?


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With therapy uncovering a lot of emotions, you are struggling to live life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're nearing the end and there is still so much left to tell.....oh well.   
> Please enjoy!

Eventually Wanda's mission lasted for almost two months. And while she was gone, you had done a great job in being the perfect employee. You came in early and stayed late nearly every day. Except on Wednesdays, when you would leave early to visit Doctor Johnson. After your fourth meeting you had asked for a new timeslot. This worked out better for you. That way, after the session, you didn't have to focus on anything and could lounge in front of the television in your room. You could let all the new information sink in. Let yourself mull it over, hoping for new insights. 

On Friday’s Tony would sent you home at six at the latest, claiming the need for a social life. As sweet as this was, you usually nodded and smiled, knowing full well that if Natasha, Pepper or Maria did not catch you, you'd spend the weekend either in bed or in town. Alone. Wallowing in self pity, over the current state of your love life.   
Sometimes, if Natasha was in between missions, she would join you. She would try to get you to do other things. Get out. Meet people. But you just wanted to be alone. Deal with all the information that the therapy had dug up, in peace. It wasn't easy to relive the death of your parents or subsequent years with Daniel, where you had erased your entire identity.

By the time Wanda came home, you had settled into the life of a hermit and Natasha had become exasperated. She had tried everything she could think off and she was at a loss. So to keep you at least a little socialized, she would stay with you as often as she could. Talk about her life, or on the rare occasions that you would talk about therapy, she would listen to you. She would give subtle hints on how she thought you could work through it, although she was careful. She did not want to offend you or push you away. 

Doctor Johnson had already informed you of her thoughts on your current lifestyle. According to her this wasn't healthy. Though understandable. She did try to tell you to go out and have fun. Creating a new normal would be much easier, if you actually did something. She was right of course, but you obviously didn't like confrontation very much. Even less if the person you truly needed to confront was yourself. 

Wanda agreed with Doctor Johnson, but wasn't sure how to help you. That was when the girls asked help from the one person that seemed to understand you better than any of them.   
They asked you to join them for a movie night in the living room that Friday and you finally agreed.   
Understanding that a change needed to happen and perhaps this was a small first step to getting out of your room and back into a more normal rhythm. Unbeknownst to you, their secret weapon would join your group for the movie. 

“Hey” Bucky said softly as he dropped down next to you on the couch. You jumped at the sound of his voice, then shifted uncomfortably as you looked at him. He smiled, seemingly uncomfortable himself. The past two months you had done a good job at being civil, though aloof to one another. This was the first time the two of you had been this close. In fact it was the first time that you were in the same room for more than a minute. 

“Hey” you finally replied, accepting the bowl of popcorn he handed you. He cleared his throat as he settled in beside you. You counted to ten in your head, before glancing at your friends. All of them kept their gazes fixed on the screen. Their rigid posture told you that this had been their doing.   
Shaking your head slightly, you tried to gather your composure. After all, you lived in the same compound. No more than a hundred feet from one another. You couldn't keep avoiding him. You didn't want to keep avoiding him either. 

“How have you been?” you asked, looking up at his eyes, trying too see how he was feeling. 

“Busy, you know.” he replied with a shrug, “you?” 

“Yeah, me too” you nodded and turned back to the screen. Thankfully this was not awkward at all. 

The next thirty minutes were spend in silence while the movie played out on the screen. What the movie was about, you had no idea. It was hard to concentrate. Though they tried to be inconspicuous, you could feel the eyes of your friends shooting glances in your directions every few minutes. It was distracting and made the situation more awkward, if possible. Eventually Bucky stood up and held out his hand for you to take. You did and silently followed him out of the room and up to the rooftop terrace. There he paced the length of the terrace, keeping his back to you, while you sat down on one of the chairs. 

“I'm sorry” you muttered, once you realized he wasn't able to start the conversation. Upon your words he stopped and whipped his head to you, a surprised look on his features. 

“What for?” he exclaimed as he stepped closer to you. 

“For making this al so hard. I wish....” you weren't sure what to say next. You wished for many things. That you hadn't caused him pain. That things weren't this awkward. That you could love him, like you wanted to love him. That you weren't so screwed up. Bucky dropped down on his knees and grabbed your hands from your lap. Telling you not to be sorry. That it wasn't your fault. That life was hard sometimes. And it was up everyone else to be patient. 

“I don't expect you to wait for me” you said upon those words and he dropped your hands like they burned him. Standing up he stepped back quickly and walked over to the door. 

“I don't...I mean...” he muttered, not finishing what he was trying to say. You stood up and held out your hand to him. He looked so hurt and it broke your heart. 

“Please, wait” you called out as he turned to open the door and go back inside. 

“Why?” he wondered, his voice a mere whisper and his eyes downcast. 

“I...you're hurt.” you stated and stepped closer to him, “I'm sorry” another step closer, “I just...” another step, “I want you to be happy”. By now you stood in front of him and you wrapped an arm around his waist and one around his neck, pulling him close into a hug. 

You tried to convey all your feelings into the hug. How much you cared for him. That you wanted him happy. And wished you could be with him. He returned the hug, holding you close to him, gripping you tight. And a part of you hoped that heis feelings were similar to yours. That he still wanted to be with you too. You stood like that for several minutes, neither one willing to let go just yet. 

“Does this ever get easier?” you wondered, your breath fanning the hairs in his neck. 

“I sure hope so” he chuckled, finally pulling back and looking at you. He moved his hand to your cheek, his thumb caressing it. You weren't sure who moved first, but before you could blink, his lips were on yours, moving against you. Your hand moved into his hair as you pressed yourself closer to him. Your tongue licked at his lips, asking for entrance to his mouth. This elicited a moan from the both of you and you smiled into the kiss as he explored your mouth. 

Then, as sudden as it had begun, he pulled back, turned around and walked away. Leaving you behind in confusion. Wondering what the hell had just happened? Perhaps avoiding one another had not been so bad after all. 

By the time you had gone back downstairs and returned to the girls, you had decided that everything had to change. You could not go on like this. Staying in your room, not living. It wasn't making you better and it wasn't helping Bucky either. You had to figure out what was holding you back and how to get past it. This was not the life you deserved. And it was far from what you wanted. 

You told the women around you as much. Explaining that you would not hide away any longer. Or push any of them away. Telling them that you were sorry for ignoring their good efforts. You were ready to truly work on yourself now. 

And when you arrived at your Wednesday appointment with doctor Johnson, she noticed a change in your attitude. You beamed at her and told her that it was about time. She laughed as you said that and asked you exactly what had caused this change of heart.

“I realized that I am not just hurting myself, but other as well” you said and she chuckled. Telling you that it did not surprise her that your love for others inspired you. However the change had come about, she was glad that it did.

Again she asked you to tell her about your life. Though this time she interrupted you several times, asking you to identify recurring themes in pivotal moments. And finally after the third interruption, well into the meeting, you realized just how much you avoided conflict. You took the easy way out.   
After a tough horrid childhood, where you had to grow up too fast, you never learned how to deal with normal life things. You had no coping mechanisms to help you further in life. You simply didn't deal with situations. And that had eventually led too give over all control to a man that liked power. 

The meeting was eye-opening for you and you felt like you had a new lease on life by the time you stepped back into the compound. Perhaps you could finally get back to the real you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual I am having trouble wrapping a story up. This chapter was therefore hard to write, because I know where I need to go...yet getting there is difficult. Still I hope you liked this!


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your heart breaks when Bucky finally decides he has to move on with his life.

Without knocking you pushed the door open en barged into the room. The door closed softly behind you as you looked around the room for your red-headed spy friend. It was difficult for your mind to focus on any one thought, they all rushed through your head. Shaking your head, in hopes of creating clarity, you spoke the words that were causing you such grief. 

“He's on a date” 

Your voice was soft, but it was still loud enough for your friend to hear. Natasha looked up at you with shock on her face and she ended her phone call mid-sentence. You hadn't even noticed she was on the phone. A tear fell down your cheek as you stepped closer to her.   
“He's on a date” you repeated and covered your face with your hands while you bend over, heaving. So many emotions were coursing through you and all of them hurt. Your breath got caught in your throat and you didn't know what to do with yourself any more. 

Finally you sat down on the floor, still doubled over, while tears kept falling from your eyes. Very much aware that you had no right to be hurt by this. You had no right to any feelings of jealousy or pain. And yet, here you were, feeling just that. He was moving on. Just when you felt that you were getting better. Not that you had told him that. You figured you should be absolutely certain when you told him that you were ready. Ready to be more than friends.   
However, could you even count him as your friend at this point? You had been pushing him away for so long now. And he had a right to his own life. His own decisions. You had no claim to him. 

Natasha sat down besides you and rubbed a hand over your back as she asked you to talk to her. To tell her everything she needed to know. You just looked at her with tearful eyes and shrugged. There were no words in your brain it seemed. Other then 'he is on a date'. And with your hitched breath it was hard to even form those. And so you just laid your head on her shoulder as you tried to calm down your breathing and your heart. Natasha sat calmly beside you as you tried to gather yourself. She didn't push you, she just waited. 

Eventually you were able to speak again. And with a voice strained from crying, you told her that two hours ago everything had come crashing down. Because two hours ago, you had run into Sam. And Sam had felt obliged to give you a heads up. He had set Bucky up with someone he knew. And their date would be this night.   
He explained that he felt that Bucky needed to move on. That Bucky was ready to date and should not keep waiting for you to begin again. He had been alone long enough, Sam thought.   
Sam liked you, you knew this. You knew he was not trying to hurt you. Or come between you and Bucky, whatever the two of you had. In the back of your mind, you even knew he was right. 

So, you had nodded in understanding. You had even tried to keep your lip from quivering as you did so. Pretending to be gracious, understanding and calm. You mentioned that you hoped it would go well. That he deserved that much. You wanted him to be happy. Thanking Sam for telling you and for being such a good friend to Bucky, you eventually cut the conversation short and walked away. 

And for the next two hours you had been walking. In and around the compound. Your mind racing and your heart beating out of your chest, as you tried to gather your thoughts. This scenario had been going through your mind a lot, before this day. You had been fully aware that this had been a possibility. In fact, you had been expecting it, if you were honest. Expected it to happen before today. Though it still stung. 

Nearly four months had passed since you started therapy. Which meant it was well over four months since you and he had called it quits. Whatever it had been that the two of you had. And for almost something, four months was a long enough time before deciding to move on. Especially since you had told him that he was not expected to wait for you to get your act together. 

As you told Natasha this, she wrapped her arms tighter around you and held you close. Again tears began falling and you choked out another sob. You had no right to cry, no real right to be upset. Yet you could not stop the tears from falling. Natasha said nothing as she rubbed your back with her hands, shushing you soothingly. No words were needed. You knew she'd understand. Or at the very least, would try too. 

***

“Hi” Bucky muttered as he stepped into the elevator. He looked ravishing in his dark jeans, black button-up and leather jacket. His hair was tied back in a small bun in the nap of his neck. As you stood staring at him, you realised he must have just returned from his date and it felt like a punch in the gut. However, you didn't let him know that. Instead you smiled at him, stepping aside so he could press the button for his floor. 

You had just left Natasha's room and were suddenly very happy that you had thrown some cold water in your face before you had. The redness in your eyes was minimal, since Nat had sat you down to watch some lame comedy. Despite everything, it had made you laugh.   
It had calmed you down enough to stand here and smile at him, without breaking down again. 

“You look nice” your voice sounded strange to you. It was happy. Too happy. Forced. And though he must have noticed, he said nothing off it. Thankfully. If he had, you certainly would not have been able to answer him gracefully. If you'd have been able to answer at all. 

“Thanks I...uhm...” Bucky seemed at a loss for words. To ease his discomfort you chuckled before confessing that you knew about his date. You tried to force yourself to ask him how it went, but it was too much. You could not get the words out. You hoped he would not expect you too say them.   
The moment was awkward enough as it was. 

Upon the next ding, you waved with another smile and stepped out onto your own floor, happy to get out of there. He waved back, his smile small. It didn't reach his eyes.   
As soon as the doors of the elevator closed completely, you briskly walked over to your room and slammed the door close behind you. Then you slid down the door and sat on the floor and pulling your knees up to your chest. Sighing deeply as you laid your hands on your knees and wrapped your arms around your legs. 

You sat like that for a little bit, allowing your pulse to return to a normal pace, before getting up again and getting ready for bed. It had been a long night and your were exhausted.   
Thankfully tomorrow was Sunday and you decided to forgo an alarm, allowing yourself to sleep as long as you could. The longer you slept. The less you had time to think about his date. 

***  
That Wednesday evening the door to your room opened and closed softly. You didn't bother to look up. Not too many people were in the compound, so you had a pretty good idea of who it was. From the corner of your eyes you could see your favourite spy moving around the bed. 

“There is a second date scheduled.” Nat said, as she dropped down next to you on your bed. Her words had been soft. Her tone calculated. You nodded without looking up at her as you kept playing a game on your phone. Having been to therapy only two hours prior, your emotions were already reeling. Though the session had been a good one, it always took a lot out of you. Natasha knew this, which was why she probably decided to tell you in the private comfort of your own room. 

Dinner had only just finished and it had been spend in silence by everyone at the table. The group had been small, since half of the avengers were on a mission again. And the remaining people had been unable to keep conversation going.   
You had sat next to Natasha, across from Sam and Bucky. Vision had been seated at the head of the table, eyeing everyone. He had made a few observations, but stopped speaking when he realised it wasn't creating any conversation. Bruce had been on the verge of a breakthrough and had opted on eating a quick dinner in his lab. You considered him lucky. It had been quite awkward. 

You knew it was because Bucky was feeling guilty. As was Sam probably. Even though they didn't need too. They weren't doing anything wrong. But you weren't very good at hiding your feelings and they knew you were hurting by the current events. 

The past two months you and Bucky had barely spoken. Neither of you seemed to know how any more. As if suddenly, all common ground had disappeared. Group outings had gotten more strained and therefore happened less and less. Dinner was getting more quiet. And everyone was walking on eggshells. You hated it, but weren't sure how to break the cycle.   
Which was why you opted out of dinner every once in a while. Just to give everyone room to breath. While you wished you were stronger. 

“Well of course there is, who would not love him.” You shrugged, though your body-language showed that it stung. Your shoulders had slumped and your face had fallen. You sighed deeply and looked up from your phone to glance at your friend, only to find she was staring at you intently. 

“Well, I can think of someone” Natasha tried to lighten the mood, with a wink. 

“Oh you love him. You're just not in love with him” you countered with a pointed look in her direction as you closed the game and dropped your phone on the sheets beneath your legs. 

“Mwah” she joked and you let out a small chuckle. Natasha had proven herself a loyal friend and you were so grateful to have met her. She placed her arm over your shoulders as she used her other arm to reach for the TV remote on your night stand. Quickly she turned the device on and mentioned a movie she wanted to watch. You smiled and nodded, knowing she was trying to elevate your mood. You wanted her to stop worrying and therefore you tried to put on a brave face.   
It was about time to toughen up.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You anxiously wait as the entire team is on a mission. As they come back you realise that Bucky is not the unwavering strong force you've come to know. He is human. and Humans can break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...this chapter was practically done last wednesday. and I just can't wait another day to post it. It's a little darker perhaps than other chapters. and it's definately longer. There was just no way I could cut this chapter in two.

Leaning back in your chair, you stared out in front of you. The screen of your computer came in and out of focus as you let your mind wander. Your fingers were nervously ticking against the hard surface of your desk and your legs couldn't stop moving anxiously. It had been a while since you'd been this unnerved, scared. You were going out of your mind as time seemed to tick by so slowly that it seemed to move backwards. 

The entire team, barring Bruce had gone out on a mission. Or, more accurately, a fight. New intel had shown a revived hydra base a mere 100 kilometres from the compound and it was vital that it was squashed. It was basically in their back yard. The thought that Hydra was still active scared you and it had not been difficult to convince you of the necessity of the mission. They would need to nip it in the bud. Strike while they were still seemingly finding their grove, setting up shop.   
It was just a horribly scary thought to have nearly everyone you care for in jeopardy at the same time. And the thought of Hydra scared you more than you would care to admit. They had done such horrendous things. Specifically to Bucky. They had broken Bucky in the past and it had taken him a long time to get back up. You hated to think of what their actions had done to people that weren't as strong as Bucky was. 

Bruce was sitting in a chair on the other side of your desk, looking a little dazed as he twiddled his thumbs. He hated feeling useless, but there was nothing he could do right now. You knew you had to open your mouth, to reassure him. Tell him it would be okay. And that they would need him in the aftermath. But your lips would not move and the words were stuck in the back of your throat instead. 

The waiting was horrible. And it had only been one hour. Chances were that it would take a few more at least, before you heard anything from them at all. Longer even before they would make it back to the compound. Usually you'd use work to distract you. However, this was far too close for comfort and there was nothing that could distract you.   
On previous mission you had been able to sit with Maria and listen in on the communication sets. This time, though, due to the sensitivity of the operation, she had decided to go along and bunker out at a nearby farm. There she could keep a better eye on them. Even if their normal methods of communication failed, she'd be able to act on any signs of distress. There was even more tension because there was no back up as of yet. They would need to come in from DC, which would take time. Time, you weren't certain they had if push came to shove. 

Unable to sit any longer, you jumped up and paced the length of your office. After fifteen minutes of that, you sighed deeply and walked into Tony's office, right behind yours. There you quickly rummaged through his drawers and pulled out the bottle of whiskey you found. You'd always known he had one stashed away somewhere. The bottle was unopened and it looked expensive. You promised him mentally to replace it that weekend. If you could afford it.   
Walking back into your office, you met Bruce's eyes and held the bottle up for him to see. He nodded and emptied the contents of the mugs on your desk and quickly rinsed them with some water from the carafe you always had in the office. Hoping that perhaps the alcohol would numb your senses enough to make time seemingly pass by in a quicker procession, you filled the mugs with a good portion of the brown liquid. 

It didn't. 

Instead, it seemed to put you on edge even more. Your legs became more restless and your mind raced through all the possible outcomes of today's mission. With your ability to see the absolute worst in things, most were not particularly good. Bruce was quick to put the bottle away again, before pulling you with him to the kitchen. You didn't even register where he took you until he set you down on a stool at the kitchen counter and began to made the two of you some food. You hoped it would soak up some of the alcohol in your system. By now two hours had past and it felt like an eternity. Eating the rice dish he quickly whipped up, neither of you spoke. 

Two more hours of staring at one another from across the kitchen counter went by, before the phone finally rang. In your haste to pick it up, you fumbled and nearly dropped the phone. When you finally did pick up and put the device to your ear, not a word would move past your lips. It seemed impossible to utter a single word. Bruce took it from your hands and answered whoever was on the other side. 

Staring at his facial expressions, you tried to figure out what they meant. His brow furrowed and he nodded solemnly. His only words were 'I understand' and yeah'. After just one minute he hung up and stood from his seat at the counter, motioning for you to follow. Confused as you were, you did so without question. As you walked a step behind him, he handed you back your phone. Which you were quick to put in your back pocket. 

When, minutes later he had still not said a single word to you, you stopped walking after him. You needed to know what as going on. It took him a few beats to notice, but once he did he turned back to you and waved you over again. 

“They're on their way back with minimal physical injuries” he said and you sighed in relief. 

“Wait, what does that mean?” you asked when the words sunk in, trying to catch up to him. 

“Apparently their a little shaken.” he sighed deeply before continuing, “Bucky, is shaken.” he watched you as those words registered and your eyes went wide.

“As is Wanda, but then again she could feed off of his emotions.” Bruce explained quickly. And you began to walk quicker. You nodded, more so to yourself, before squaring your shoulders. Time for you to put your game face on and support your friends. Wanda would usually want a big hug and some relaxation. That you could offer. You weren't sure if you could help Bucky, you had never seen him shaken. In your mind he was this strong unwavering tower, standing high and strong above everyone as a protector. It was strange to accept that he was human. And you knew, humans could break. 

And you could not ignore the lack of contact the past few months either. Your relationship was strained at best and you didn't know if he even wanted your help. However, you were determined to offer. He had been there for you so many times, it was the least you could do. He needed to know that you would be there. Even if your relationship was not all you had hoped it would be. He would never have to carry the weight of his pain alone. 

The jet landed, as you and Bruce walked into the hangar. Slowly everyone stepped out. Natasha was limping, while leaning on Steve for support. She waved your worries away, citing it was only a sprained ankle. Steve just nodded at you and you accepted the explanation as he took her to the infirmary.   
Behind him, Vision held Wanda in his arms as he moved them from the plane. You smiled at the sight. She wouldn't need your hugs. At least not tonight. She was in good, loving hands. With a soft smile in place you caught vision's eyes and bowed your head at him.   
Maria, Tony and Clint were deep in discussion as they came out. They stopped shortly to acknowledge you and Bruce, before pulling Bruce with them to talk the mission through. While they seemingly came back unscathed, it was clear that all was not right by their expressions. You were worried, but it was easily pushed aside by your worry for Bucky. He was yet to come out.   
You glanced back at the jet and saw Sam walking down the ramp. He looked at you with a pained expression, stopping in front of you. Your hand squeezed his arm and he placed his hand on top of it, squeezing briefly. 

“I'm not sure what he needs” he explained and looked back at the lone figure of Bucky. He still sat in his seat on the jet, staring straight ahead. He hadn't seemed to notice that they had landed already. He didn’t seem to notice that the world around him was still spinning, moving ahead. He was completely motionless. The only thing that moved was his chest as his breath surged through him at a quick pace. 

“Can I try?” you asked and Sam nodded, watching as you walked in and waiting to see how it went. 

You walked up to Bucky quietly and cleared your throat when you were next to him, just to let him know. He didn't respond at all. You proceeded and crouched down before him, placing a hand on the sleeve of his suit. He looked up a little startled. The look in his eyes took your breath away and it took all you had not to show him your shock. His blue eyes seemed glazed over. He looked hurt, haunted. His whole body was strained, tense. Anger coming off him in waves. He had never been this intimidating. And yet, you could see his vulnerability now better than ever. It was clear as day to you. You kept looking into his eyes and placed a hand on his cheek. He jumped slightly and moved away from it. You pursed your lips and pulled your hand back, not wanting to push it. 

“Bucky, you're home” you said, making sure not to touch him again, he obviously couldn't handle that right now. His breathing was rapid as he nodded at you. 

“What do you need?” you asked and he suddenly got up, knocking you over. He looked a little shocked and you forced out a chuckle before getting up. Dusting off your pants, you offered him a kind smile. You hoped it would show him that it was fine. That you were fine and that he would be. 

“Gym” he said simply and you nodded, letting him walk off. You stepped out of the jet yourself and stood next to Sam, both of you staring at the retreating back of Bucky. 

“Let's give him a moment” you said and Sam agreed. Then he mentioned a shower and walked off as well. Leaving you behind in the hangar, with all your confusing emotions about the return of your friends. Whatever had happened today was big. And something told you, it had brought back Bucky's past. 

***

After checking in on the team, and satisfied that they were all taken care off, you moved off to the gym an hour after their return to the compound. There you took a moment to listen to the sounds before stepping in. Which you only did when the sounds of flesh hitting leather stopped filling the air. The sight beyond the door halted your breath as tears filled yours eyes. The gym looked like Bucky had moved through it much like a hurricane would.   
Everything was in disarray. Punching bags lay on the floor with massive rips in them. Weights were strewn around the floor as if they had been thrown and the glass windows between the gym and the practice mats had been shattered. 

“How are you feeling?” you asked as you stepped closer to the slumped figure of Bucky. He was sweating profusely and his breath came out in short gasps, as he was seated on the floor against a wall. Bucky didn't say anything, he just shrugged without looking up from his hands. Dropping down beside him, you leaned back against the wall and sighed. 

“Tony's gonna have a fit” you chuckled, hoping to see him crack a smile. It would tell you that the tension was lessening inside of him. You no longer felt the anger coming off him. However, he appeared no less tense. As you turned towards the super soldier, you noticed his tear stained face. Bucky had not looked at you yet. 

“Hey” you exclaimed and grabbed his hand in yours without thinking. You had forgotten that he had not wanted to be touched earlier. However, he didn't seem to mind now and squeezed your hand painfully hard. You said nothing of it and just rubbed your thumb over his hand in circles. 

“You're okay,” you moved closer to him, “You're home and you're safe” you said softly, staring intently at his face, begging him to look at you. Wishing you could take away his pain.

“But are you safe?” he mumbled and you frowned as you looked at him. 

“Why wouldn’t I be?” his words confused you and you weren't sure where they were coming from. 

“I became him. I was back in that state of mind. I was...” he trailed off but it didn't matter. You knew what he had been trying to say. He had felt the winter soldier take over inside of him and it obviously scared him. 

“You're okay” you repeated, “And I am never scared with you” you pressed, hoping he would believe you. It was true. He made you feel safe. Even when you weren't speaking. 

“I think he will always be a part of you. And that is okay too.” you then added and when he looked at you his eyes seemed to bulge out of their sockets. 

“How can you say that?” he cried out incredulous. 

“You were forced into that life for so long. I think the soldier is ingrained in your soul,” you hoped he would keep listening, “You weren't in control then. But now you are and perhaps he can help you” he kept looking at you as fresh tears fell down his face. You raised the hand he was not currently crushing and cupped his cheek with it. 

“You've saved so many lives since you were saved from Hydra. You're a good man. And even as the soldier, you weren't cruel or prone to violence.” this seemed to confuse him. 

“I've seen the footage. You asked questions. You defied authority. Your first instinct was never once violence.” you explained, your thumb wiping at the tears. 

“So perhaps it's time to let go of the fear. Embrace the soldier. Accept his presence and see how you can make it work for you instead of against you. You really are a good man. One of the best I know and you know how strong the competition is there” you joked and he nodded his head solemnly, not smiling, but still a little lighter than before. You put your forehead against his and sighed. 

“I promise. You are good! I trust you with all my heart. There is no way that they win” you whispered and then pulled him into a hug, which he returned. He held you close for a long time and you let him, not wanting to pull away before he was ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it! Please let me know what you thought. I felt that I needed to show this side of Bucky before the end of the story and it never seemed to fit, until now.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things go back to normal after the rollercoaster that has been your life. Or as normal as they get when you are friends with the avengers.   
> But a blast from the past makes you truly appreciate just what those friendships have brought you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another week another chapter. Hope you like this one!  
> Only a few more chapters to go before the end.

While keeping a close eye on Bucky, the next few weeks just flew by. He seemed to have calmed down considerably. No longer was he shying away from the rest of the team. Although he wasn't as talkative as before this all happened and he seemed to be missing his usual confidence. There had been a certain spring in his step, that was lacking now. You just hoped it would come back. Eventually. You had liked that confidence, that air about him.   
As did Steve. And Steve did nothing to hide his concern from Bucky. Which drove Bucky mad. He had trouble stomaching the concerned looks his best friend gave him. Not because he could not understand, but because he still was getting used to people caring for him. Even years after he finally was rid of hydra, that part was most foreign to him. That was why Bucky had been seeking company outside of the compound. Somewhere, where people didn't know who he was or where he had been. For everyone's sanity, Sam tagged along. You assumed there were dates, though you dared not ask. The answer would possibly hurt more than you cared to admit. 

Finally Steve decided that it was time to offer Bucky another mission. Thinking it was time to get his friend back on the metaphorical horse. Steve had explained that he thought Bucky should just dip his toes in the water again. To make sure that his nerves were under control. Bucky had jumped at the opportunity. Ready to prove that he was fine. And more than ready to get back to work.   
That was why Sam, Steve and Bucky left on a simple reconnaissance mission, two days ago. Bucky had been nervous, scared that Steve's concerns had been correct and he was not okay. And since he could not voice those concerns to Steve, he had turned to you. It made you happy to realise he trusted you with his worries. That he sought you out as a friend once more. Even happier you were that, by talking things through, he was able to quiet his concerns, at least enough to take the mission. 

Natasha and Wanda had already left on a mission a few days prior, joined by Vision. And it had left you feeling lonely. So when Pepper, Tony and Bruce had announced a visit to Dr. Cho in South Korea,earlier that day, you came to realise that you really were alone.   
Not alone in the compound, naturally. There were plenty of agents training, labs filled with scientist and many other people. However, none of them were really your friends. 

It was strange how you had come to expect them in your day to day life. How much you relied on them for conversation, for laughter. For company. You'd been alone before. Not too many months ago you had been completely alone. There was not a doubt in your mind that you could be alone. In fact you were usually rather good at it. But you found that this time, you missed your friends. The noise they brought. And the silence left in their wake certainly weighed heavily upon you. 

It was a Saturday and there was no work to occupy yourself with. Instead you found yourself in the gym. Possibly more shocking than the loneliness. Hitting the boxing bag a little lackluster, you tried to device a plan on just how you were going to spend the weekend. What did you used to do before? How had you spend the endless nights that Daniel had left you alone? Or the weeks before you had met Wanda? The weeks where you had been truly alone...   
Eventually you promised yourself to take up reading once more. It had been a good long while since you had read a good book. Therefore it should not be too hard to choose a book of your long list of unread beauties. And if the weather would work with you, you might also take a stroll around the compound. Or read in the sun. That sounded nice. 

“You call that a work-out?” 

Jumping at the sudden sound of the teasing voice behind you, you quickly smiled before turning to face Sam. With a chuckle you moved in for a hug, welcoming him back. He looked relaxed. Joyous. Also freshly showered. You opened your mouth to ask how it went, but wondered if that might have seemed to eager. Eager, because there was only one thing you really wanted to ask. One person you wanted to ask about. Naturally Sam understood and answered the question burning within you. 

“He's fine. He did great. Probably taking a shower now.” 

You nodded, glad for the information. Sam opened and closed his mouth a few times, nothing coming out of it. You weren’t sure why and you had no chance to take a guess as he gave up and said he would see you later. Waving goodbye you tried to shrug it off and went back to your work-out, suddenly reinvigorated. Another hour went by before you stopped and went back to your room for a much needed shower. 

On the way to your room, you ran into Steve. He had been looking for you, wondering if you had any plans for dinner. He didn't feel like cooking, fancying a laid-back night and he wanted to know if you would object to take out. Naturally you did not. You were simply glad to spend some time with these men. It had been too long since the atmosphere in the compound had been as calm as it was these past few weeks. You wanted to enjoy it. 

When you had come to the common area that evening, you found that only Sam and Steve would be joining you. You smiled as you enquired where Bucky was, citing that you had not gotten around to seeing him all day. Begrudgingly Sam informed you that Bucky was on a date tonight. Someone new. In your mind it registered that the previous girl must not have worked out. With a smile that was more forced, you simply nodded. Accepting the information and not giving much more reaction to it. You wanted to remain calm, at least outwardly. He should be able to go on dates without worrying about your feelings and they should be able to tell you. Inwardly you were in turmoil though. It stung. Especially now that the two of you were trying to be friends once more.   
Still, you didn't say a word. He had a right to be happy. You just hoped he would not tell you about his dates. That would take it a little too far, for your rediscovered friendship.

So you kept forcing a smile on your face as you listened to the stories that Sam was telling. His manner of doing so usually brought out at least a few laughs, and after a little while it was enough to get your mind of off Bucky and his date. 

***

With tension between Bucky and yourself significantly lessening, the avengers brought back group outings, where they wanted to include you in. Which was why you found yourself in a bar one weekend, in the middle of New York City. Shots were being distributed and laughter was filling the air around you.   
It was nice to be back here. A place where you had lived for two years. Now the bar wasn't one you had frequented before, however the ambiance of the city was intoxicating. You were happy. Suddenly you could remember just why you had fallen in love with this place all those years ago. 

Happily dancing and chatting the night away, everyone seemed to be having a blast. You even went out of your way to be kind to the girl that Bucky had brought with him. He had seemed nervous to walk her up the group. It had not been his intention. He had been out on a date that night and after some deliberation you had told him to come join you after. It had been a possibility that he would bring the girl, you had known. However, you wanted to show him that he didn't need to hide from you. And perhaps show the group that all your emotions were finally under control again. They would no longer have to walk around on eggshells.   
Both Natasha and Wanda had voiced their pride over your behaviour. Steve had mostly seemed relieved by the turn of events. While Sam had come up and asked if you had finally forgiven him for setting Bucky up in the first place. Naturally you had told him there was nothing to forgive. He seemed to accept that. You truly never had been angry with Sam. It'd just hurt, that was never his fault. Only yours. 

Wobbly on your feet thanks to the many drinks Natasha had handed you, you excused yourself and went in search of the toilets. The liquor weighing as heavy on your mind as the liquid did on your bladder. Of course there was a massive line and by the time you finally got yourself in a stall you had to move fast. Sighing loudly as you washed your hands, you could not help but laugh at yourself. Funny how peeing could be such relief. Quickly looking yourself over, you quickly checked your clothes and make-up before moving back into the bar. 

A little less wobbly than before you began walking through the throngs of dancing people, trying to get back to your friends. Hardly paying attention to your surroundings, you were surprised when a hand pulled you backwards, moving you further away from Wanda and Natasha. You had just made them out in the crowd when it had happened. At first you thought little of it, it was probably Sam or Tony trying to get you to dance. However, as you turned to face the person you nearly screamed. 

Daniel. 

“You look well” he said, still holding your wrist in a tight grip. You tried to pull yourself out of it, but he wouldn't budge. Sighing deeply, you looked at him with annoyance clear on your face. 

“Thanks. Please let go” politeness was second nature, even though he didn't really deserve it. You forced a curt smile onto your face and repeated the second part of the sentence. He ignored it. Your heart began speeding up and you looked around to find a friendly face in the crowd. Figured you'd see none in that moment. 

“What do you want?” you bit at him and he smiled sweetly. Too sweetly. 

“Haven't seen you in ages, just want to catch up.” he simply said, shrugging innocently. 

“You don't really need to hold my arm for that” you said, the smile quickly leaving your face. Once more you tried to pull yourself free from his grip. 

“Do you have somewhere else to be?” Daniel asked, his tone still sickeningly sweet. 

“I would like to return to my friends” you simply said. 

“Friends?,” he laughed loudly, “Since when do you have friends?” 

“Since she rid herself of you I imagine” you smiled as you recognized the voice of Bucky coming from behind you. There was no need to look at him to know the look on his face. He would most likely be glaring daggers at Daniel. Watching as Daniel's face lost its fake smile, you moved back, your wrist still caught in his hand. 

“Let the lady go” Bucky said simply. Daniel finally did and you rubbed the skin that he had held so tightly, it was quickly turning a deep shade of red. Bucky moved quickly, shoving Daniel towards the exit, conveniently close by, and following him there. He spoke in hushed tones to the bouncer, before walking back to you. 

“Are you okay?” he wondered as he reached for your wrist and turning it over in his hands. His fingers softly traced the redness that covered it and he rubbed gently to ease the strain on your skin. You nodded, smiling at him, hoping to prove it. Your breath was shaky, but your heartbeat was getting back to normal. You realised you had stood up against Daniel. Surely, had Bucky not come, you might not have won against him. But you fought back. Something you had not done in so long. It was a definite win for you. 

“He won't come back, so let's join our friends again” Bucky said as he took your hand in his and began walking back to the bar. There Wanda quickly wrapped you in her arms, asking if you were hurt. Soothing her fears and yours, you just hugged her back tightly. 

***

“Thanks for sending Bucky to find me” you whispered as you were slowly drifting off to sleep. Wanda turned towards you her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Since you did not have a room of your own in the tower, where you all had decided to spent the night, you and Wanda shared one. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Bucky said you sensed something was wrong and told him to find me,” you explained. He had told you on the way back to the group, right after your encounter with Daniel. 

“I felt your distress. And I was about to tell Steve to look for you, but Bucky had already gone. Probably knew it before I felt your nerves” Wanda said, looking at you with a knowing smile. Apparently something had clocked for her, however not for you. 

“What? How?” this confused you. How had he know and why would he lie about it? 

“You'll find that he is very perceptive of your feelings” Wanda said with a smile. She squeezed your hands as you mulled it over. She then turned on her side and soon after you could hear by her slow rhythmic breaths that she was asleep.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights.”- Erich Segal

Madness. That's what it was. Simply madness. There was no other word to describe it. Surely falling for someone you hurt deeply is strange. Loving someone that is not yours, is worse. As you said, absolute madness.   
And yet as you watched Bucky, the light of the television flickering over his features, that was exactly what you felt. It was a Wednesday evening and with a small group you were seated in the tv room. Nothing fancy, Natasha had put on a movie after dinner, and you were simply lounging.   
He had done nothing specific. Nothing special. He had laughed a little too loud at a silly joke and you were a goner. That was the moment your heart had skipped a beat, your cheeks reddening and your breath hitching in your throat.   
His blue eyes had lit up as he laughed, his body relaxed. His face had crunched up, lines forming around his eyes. And he had never looked more beautiful to you. As he laughed he had looked around the room, probably checking to see who else laughed. And as he looked at you, he had winked. His eyes looking directly into yours as he did. You had been laughing, however suddenly it had gotten stuck in your throat as all those feelings had thrown you. He had not noticed. He had simply gone back to watching the movie. As if nothing had happened. And to him, nothing had.   
For you, it had solidified what you had, deep down, already known. You loved this man. This beautiful, kind, scarred man. 

There was nothing about him that you did not like. He was wise. Used said wisdom to help others. And he was strong. Unimaginably so. All that he had been through. All his suffering. It could have broken him. Could have shattered his mind into tiny little pieces. But it had only made him kind.   
He still struggled, even if he tried to hide that from the people he cared for. You had seen his struggles from up close only a few weeks ago. But his biggest worries had just made you love him more. For he worried not for himself. He had worried about others. Whether you had been safe around him. And you had known then, that there was no safer place, than with him.   
Which you had tried to tell him, though you wondered now if you should have been more clear. 

As you kept your eyes on him, your mind wandered. You wondered if he was happy. And if you could ever be happy without him. In love that is. You had learned to love yourself again over the past few months. You knew you'd be fine on your own. Still, having an arm around you in the dead of night would be nice. And for it to be one of his arms...that would be heaven. 

“Y/N!” Natasha's voice brought you back from your pondering and slightly embarrassed you looked at her. She was smirking. She'd obviously noticed something was up. As per usual it seemed. 

“Sorry, spaced off there for a minute” you quickly said and looked around the room. Steve had fallen asleep on the couch, Bruce had left, Tony and Pepper were also watching you knowingly, while Bucky just seemed confused. He tried to catch your eye and sent a silent question. Yet you dared not look at him for too long. Which meant you missed the question he silently asked. 

“Try half the movie” Natasha laughed and you shrugged with a chuckle. Busted. 

“Perhaps it's time for bed” Pepper mentioned and poked Steve's side to wake him up. His bed would be much more comfortable than the couch. You just nodded and got up, trying to quickly exit the room. 

Naturally, Natasha would not let it go that easy. Instead she choose to walk out after you, quickly matching her pace to yours. Glancing in her direction as you both walked towards the elevator, you saw the large smirk featured on her face. Trying to ignore her, you kept walking, not looking her way. You should have known she would not be so easily persuaded. After all, a spy of her calibre could not have gotten where she was professionally if she was quickly deterred.   
Natasha said nothing, just linked her arm with yours and followed you all the way to your room. There, she sat on your bed, while you rummaged through your drawers. You weren't even sure what you were looking for, you were just delaying the inevitable. Natasha waited patiently, probably knowing you'd have to give up your quest of evading her questions soon enough. 

When you finally reached that point yourself, you sighed and sat down next to her. She placed a comforting arm around your shoulders and chuckled. 

“How you manage to make everything so complicated I don't know. But I assume you finally realised just how you truly feel about him?” she simply stated and you could only nod in confirmation. There was no point in not telling her. For one she obviously read you like a book. And you really needed someone to talk too.   
Unfortunately for you, Natasha had no more wisdom to given, other than talk to him. Which was the one thing you would not do. He was moving on. And he had every right to do so. 

****

Walking into one of Tony's soirées always made you highly conscious of yourself. Mostly of your lack of grace. Being surrounded by graceful, elegant people really did nothing to ease those feelings.   
Careful not to trip on the dress or the shoes, you carefully moved into the room. It also did not help that you were there with two of the most beautiful, graceful women in the world. You looked to your right and saw the smiling faces of Natasha and Wanda. They moved with confidence and seemed devoid of any insecurities that now riddled your mind.   
Wanda squeezed your hand as she leaned over and whispered in your ear. She repeated the sentence she had uttered several times that day. You looked great. She had helped you pick out a dress for the occasion. One from Natasha's closet, since your attire did not hold too much formal wear. It had needed some adjustments, which Pepper had quickly arranged. The angel. Now the beautiful Dartmouth green dress hugged your breasts, while flowing out from there. The sweetheart neckline giving you a flattering look and the small straps made sure you would not need to pull it up during the night. You knew the dress was gorgeous. And you knew it was flattering on you. However, next to the women at this party, it still wasn't enough to make you feel like you could draw the eyes of anyone. Sighing deeply you nodded and rolled your shoulders. Time to get yourself a drink to lessen the anxiety and just enjoy the party. 

Natasha seemed to have read your mind as she guided the three of you to the nearest bar and ordered drinks. She looked gorgeous in her tight black dress, which reached down to her knees. Her red hair cascaded down her back in beautiful loose curls. Her lips were painted in a similar red and her eyelashes were painted with a black mascara. Around her neck dangled a simple arrow necklace. She didn't need anything else to dazzle. Neither did Wanda, who was wearing an a-line deep blue dress that went down to her ankles.Her hair was pulled up in a neat ponytail and her make-up focussed on her eyes. She took the drink that Natasha handed her and smiled. Before taking a sip the three of you raised the glasses and wished for a fun night. They had been on several smaller missions recently and they could do with some relaxation. 

Two drinks and 30 minutes later, Wanda was dancing with Vision while Clint had pulled Natasha onto the dancefloor. Her laughter at his antics was enough to make everyone around them laugh as well. Everyone was clearly having fun. Tony was mingling, Pepper was running the night as always. And Steve was bashfully accepting praise from a woman that was obviously after more than a simple conversation. You chuckled as you watched him. The rest of your friends were all dancing by now. 

Bucky as well. With the girl he had brought to the bar a few weeks back. Apparently she was a match, you thought bitterly. Not that you could really blame him. She had seemed incredibly nice. And with her flowing blonde hair and bright green eyes, she surely was beautiful. And she looked stunning in her black formfitting dress. You just wished she'd have been there with just about anyone else. 

“Can you just save him?” a voice whispered near your ear and you jumped with a very unflattering squeal. Tony's laughter filled your ears as you turned around to face him. 

“Didn't mean to scare you there” he apologized, though his laughter made you question his sincerity. You chuckled as you placed a hand over your heart, hoping to calm it. 

“Who needs saving?” you wondered and he pointed you in the direction of Steve. His bashful expression had now been exchanged for an uncomfortable one as the same woman was aggressively pursuing him. You shook your head with a chuckle. 

“How do these women think that is the key to his heart” you wondered out loud and Tony shrugged. His name was called and he looked at you apologetically, before walking towards the group of businessmen that obviously wanted his attention. You smiled as you saw him quickly switch to his hosting persona and entertain the group with a enticing story. You turned back to Steve and caught his eye. As soon as you did, he mouthed 'help'. Another chuckle and you were on your way. 

“Care to dance, Steve?” you asked as you reached the unlikely pair and held out your hand to him. He gratefully took it and followed you out onto the dance floor. The woman was left behind looked a little peeved. Though you were certain she would find someone else to shower in her attention. 

“Be aware that I cannot dance” Steve muttered as you stood still on the edge of the dance floor. 

“You are free to go back to her, Cap, she'll be waiting” you joked and placed his right hand on your waist, taking his left hand in your right one. 

“Just meant, I might step on your toes” he quickly sputtered and you laughed.

“I can take it” you winked at him and began moving, pulling him with you as you slowly moved in large circles. 

Turned out that Stve was bad. At dancing that is, his company was great. Now many hours and several dances later, you found yourself leaning heavily on the bar. Your feet were soar and your throat was dry. The barman put a drink in front of you and you quickly gulped it down.   
Wincing as you realised it was not water, you coughed loudly and motioned for a glass of actual water. You realised you had simply raised a hand, without asking for anything. He must have assumed you wanted the same drink Natasha had been ordering for the both of you all night.   
Once you consumed the offered water gratefully, you calmed considerably and turned back towards the room, leisurely taking in the scene. Even though the party had been going for four hours, there was no sign of it slowing down. The dance floor was still full and people were having a great time. Typical for a party that Pepper had organised, you had come to realise. She had a knack for these things. Even Pepper had stopped running around by now and just enjoyed the party as well, dancing with Tony. 

“They really look happy, don't they” Bucky said as he stood besides you and you could only nod, before turning sideways to face him. He was alone, it appeared. Not willing to talk about his date, you didn't ask him where she was. Instead you were content to stand next to him. To smell his cologne and to watch the smile as it took over his face. You could not help but smile yourself. He seemed happy. 

“Can I have this dance?” he asked suddenly and you bit back the 'why' that immediately filled your mind. Instead you nodded and took his hand. He smiled as he pulled you close to him, his metal hand on your waist as the other held our hand close to his heart. It felt...intimate. A little flustered you let him lead you across the room. It was a good feeling to be lead. It releashed you of the need to think about feet placement. Though you were a better dancer than Steve, you were by no means good or trained for that matter. Bucky moved you in between the other couples quite effortlessly and you leaned into him, caught up in the moment. It felt amazing to be in his arms again.   
One dance quickly turned into several, only stopping to rehydrate every now and again. 

Eventually though, the party did end and as the guests left and your friends went to their rooms, you found yourself in the elevator with Bucky. Ever the gentleman, he offered to walk you back to your room. And though you could have declined, the walk was quite safe, you weren't ready to have him leave just yet.   
And that was how you found yourself, in front of your door, looking up at those beautiful blue eyes dreading to say goodbye, even if it was only for the night. 

Brazened by the alcohol in your system, or perhaps the sheer closeness of him, you quickly moved in and placed a kiss on his lips. Though you meant to only give him a peck, the spark that it sent through you made you loose all control. And he didn't try to stop you.   
You moved your hands to his neck, playing with the strands of hair tied together in the nape of it. His arms encircled your waist, pulling you into him.   
For a moment, whether it was seconds or minutes or hours you really could not tell, all there was only you and him. The world fell away as his lips moved over yours and your tongues danced around one another. Bliss, pure bliss is what you felt in that moment.   
Your heart was racing and butterflies were doing somersaults on your stomach. You didn't want this moment to end. 

But of course it did. As every moment does eventually. That was when it struck you. And him as well. The realisation that he had been at the party with someone that was not you.   
Looking at him with big eyes you formed the only words that seemed right. 

“I'm sorry, I...” you trailed off, unable to finish the sentence. You did not want to be apologize for that kiss. For your feelings. You just wanted to enjoy it. Kiss him again. Keep him close and never let him go. 

Bucky didn't say anything. Not a word. He just nodded and walked away. Leaving you alone with your guilt. Wondering if you had just screwed everything up. Feeling like an idiot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it! 
> 
> The next chapter is probably the last one. with the possibilty of an epilogue. However, since I have written very few words for either, the plan cuold still easily change. After all, the orignal plan for this story had 15 chapters.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after that kiss, you decide that you need to take action. Time to get off your behind and face this head on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First I want to apologise about the delay. I was away for a few days last week with my dad and thought I’d have enough time to write the chapter when I got back. I didn’t. And then I got sick and while that meant I was home…concentration was hard to find. so I wrote this in bits and pieces. Not exactly how I envisioned it but it does seem to fit with the rest of this story. Which in itself is nothing like I orginally planned.
> 
> Anyway I hope you like it.

A night had never seemed quite so long to you as it did that night. After Bucky had walked away, sleep would not come to you. Tossing and turning, you kept mulling over the nights events. All of it played like a movie in your mind. Walking in to see him with her. Distracting yourself with Steve and drinking. Then Bucky asking you to dance. The feel of your heart rate immediately rising as he did. His voice rolling over you, smooth as silk. If silk had an edge that is. The dancing repeated itself in your mind the most. It had felt so good, and perhaps somewhat intimate. Followed by the easy conversations and him walking you to your room. Ending with that wonderful kiss. The feelings bursting through you. Overwhelming your heart and soul. Searing hot as those feelings moved through your body. And than the sudden heartbreaking realisation that he had been at the party with someone else. This was not what you wanted at all. To be the other woman. Or to come between two people. If he loved her, you would simply have to walk away. No matter how hard that would be. Bucky deserved to be happy. And while you wished for him to be happy with you, you knew very well that he might not wish for that. How you wished you knew how he felt about you. 

When morning came, the sunlight pulling you from your thoughts, you got up out of bed and took a quick shower. Time to take action. You could not wait around for your life to unfold. You would have to create your circumstances. Which would began with a conversation. And an apology.   
That was why, once you had gotten dressed, you went out to look for the one person you needed to speak too the most. Bucky.   
Like a woman on a mission you walked out of your room and towards the elevator. There you pressed the number for his floor and waited for the doors to reopen, impatiently shifting your weight from one foot to the other. Nerves were coursing through your veins as you wondered just how he would react to you after last night. Would he slam the door? Or take you in his arms? Would he want to re-evaluate your relationship? Cut all ties? Or reinforce them?   
You knew you were driving yourself crazy thinking up scenarios, but you could not seem to stop it. 

The elevator doors dinged as they opened and you walked through them, moving quickly towards Bucky's room. For a brief moment you wondered if you were making a mistake. If you should turn around. Then you shook your head and knocked on his door. It was time to stop hiding yourself. You needed to confront this. Quietly you waited for him to open up. No sounds could be heard from the other side of the door. And you waited. Waited some more. And you realised that he wasn't opening that door. And judging by the completely silence on the other side of it, he wasn't even in.   
Sighing deeply, you turned around and made your way to the kitchen the floor held. There you put on the kettle, making yourself some tea, before scanning the fridge for some breakfast. 

“Hey, Milaya” Natasha spoke softly as she entered the kitchen. You turned around to watch the deadly spy shield her eyes from the light and practically crawling towards the coffee-pot. You chuckled as she quickly gulped down a cup. How she did not burn her mouth off was a mystery to you. And by the look on her face, not one you needed to find out today. 

“Hey hun. How are you feeling this morning?” you asked as you observed her. 

“Lovely” she groaned and you just laughed, earning yourself a glare. 

“How are you not feeling this?” Natasha wondered and you weren’t sure, as you did drink nearly as much as her. However, unlike her, you didn't sleep. You also drank plenty of water in between the tossing and turning. 

“Perhaps because I never went to sleep. The hangover is probably still coming” you shrugged. 

“Had fun?” Natasha winked, a smirk on her face for a brief second. Then the light hurt her eyes again and she groaned once more.

“Not exactly” you said, hanging your head low. You weren't sure if you were ready to tell her. You weren't proud of your actions. Not at all. You also really wanted to talk to Bucky first. Then again, hearing her side of things might help you. 

“Not exactly is right” Wanda said as she too walked into the kitchen, “How about we grab some food and move this to my room?” she said and slightly confused you nodded. Following her, you figured she had read your mind and wanted to give you some privacy while telling them. 

“She kissed him” Wanda said with a smirk as soon as she had closed the door behind you. 

“What?!” Natasha exclaimed, before turning a glaring look your way, “You told her before me?”

“She didn't. He did” Wanda said, a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. She had something and she was obviously dying to tell you. 

“He did?” you were confused. He usually didn't share his thoughts and emotions with too many people. It as usually Steve, Sam and on occasion you. Wanda shrugged, not looking you in the eyes. She looked down at the ground while she danced on the heels of her feet and softly popped her lips. 

“You read his mind” Natasha said outraged. Natasha had always been protective of Bucky and his guarded behaviour. She understood better than anyone why he was so cautious.

“I couldn't help it,” she quickly defended herself, “we share a hallway. And his thoughts were screaming at me the the entire night” Wanda voiced. Everyone knew that Wanda tried to stay out of everyone's head as much as she could. However, as she slept she could not always control it. Add to that inebriation and his loud thoughts, she really could not help it sometimes. Natasha stood up from her seat next to you on the bed and wandered the room a bit. 

“I went to see him this morning, but he's not in” you confessed. Natasha glanced your way with a sympathetic smile. She knew it would have taken a lot of courage to decide to confront the issue immediately. You didn't even talk to them first. 

“No, he went out really early” Wanda was quick to explain. 

“Do you know where he went?” you wanted to know. Perhaps you could meet up with him somewhere else. 

“Yes” she simply said, obviously not willing to elaborate. Which was enough to tell you all the things she was mum on. 

“Oh” it came out a whisper as realisation dawned on you and the weight of it seemed to take your breath. He went to see her. You didn't even remember her name, which seemed unnecessarily mean. There was very little you knew of her overall. But you knew she was beautiful. And she was most likely very nice. And right now, she made you feel rather insignificant. 

“Please don't do that” Natasha said as all but dove towards you and grabbed your hand. You raised an eyebrow at her and she smiled compassionately at you. She knew just how your mind worked sometimes. 

“She isn't better than you. Or worse for that matter.” Natasha continued, “She's just a girl.” 

“I know. It's not her fault that he's not with me,” you muttered and Wanda huffed. 

“Come on, we don't know what he'll do after that kiss.” she said as she squatted before you. Natasha straightened up again. 

“Well you'd know” you chuckled and she just laughed winking at you. 

“You can know too, he just got home” Natasha said from her spot at the window. You looked back at her and wrung your hands. Time to face the music after all. You sighed and stood up. Without saying another word you walked out of the room, while both Natasha and Wanda wished you luck. It was nice to have these two always in your corner. 

You stood in front of his room for a good 15 minutes when he finally walked out of the elevator. As he stepped out he looked slightly irritated, however as soon as he saw you his demeanour changed. The tension in his shoulders was released slightly as he lowered them and he put on a small smile as he came closer. 

“I was looking for you” he said, standing before you. His smile soft, and his blue eyes bright as he looked into yours. 

“Really? Because I have been looking for you.” you confessed, with a small smile of your own. 

“Yeah, I needed to do something first” he explained. You raised your eyebrows at him. Could he be more vague? 

“Right....”, you drawled out the word, “So, can we talk?” 

“Yes, please” he said and opened the door to his room. Following him in, you caught a glimpse of a redhead quickly scurrying back into the room next to his. You chuckled as you thought of Natasha holding up a glass to the wall, hoping to hear the conversation. While you knew on some level she would not invade your privacy like that, you also knew the curiosity was killing her. Especially now that she knew just how much Wanda could gather through the walls. 

“I needed to tell her, face to face, that we weren't going to work out” Bucky said as soon as you were inside his room. Confused you looked up at him. Tell her that you and him weren't happening? Tell her that they weren't happening? That statement was too vague to assume. 

“Wait who?” 

“Sorry, Kim and I. “ he added and in your mind a light bulb went on upon hearing her name again, “She and I weren't going to work out in the long run” 

“Why not? I thought you liked her” you weren't even sure why you asked him that question. You really didn't want to hear him talk about her wonderful features. Selfishly you wanted him to tell you she was horrible. Even if you knew she wasn't. 

“I did, but not like that. She's really funny and kind, but I....wasn't in love with her,I guess” he said. You sat down on his bed and he took a seat next to you. 

“You guess?” he was never uncertain about his feelings. He was just careful to voice them. 

“No, I...I know.” he chuckled. 

“Because you're not ready?” you really wished he would just say he was in love with you. But how could you expect him to do such a confession if you never dared to say the same to him? You never told him. Telling yourself it was for him. Helping him move on. Because he could not possibly still want you. However, it dawned on you that perhaps you had been hiding away from telling him. Once you did, he could reject you. And it was better to wonder, than to face his rejection. Or so you thought anyway. 

“I am” he confessed, “Just not with her” Bucky looked into your eyes and your heart was beating out of your chest. Did he mean that you were still in his heart? He wouldn't be so cruel as to lead you on. He would not intentionally say these things. 

“I love you” you blurted out, immediately feeling embarrassed as your cheeks flushed a deep red. Bucky remained silent and you quickly began telling him just how much you loved him. When you realised it and why you had not told him before. You told him about the therapy. And the realisation that you loved him, that night while watching a movie. Even if that love scared the crap out of you, it didn't falter. You told him about the pain you felt when Sam told you about him dating. How you had wanted to be happy for him. How you wished him the best. And for the longest time you just didn't think you would be that for him. Then Kim stuck around and you tried to be his friend. You wanted him in your life. Even if it meant watching him be happy with someone else. And then last night, you forgot about her and kissed him. You apologised, for disrespecting what they had. For not talking to him first. You were rambling and you knew it. Still you did not stop until he interrupted you. 

“I thought you wanted me to move on” he said. You didn’t know what to say to that and the silence hung thick between the two of you. Yes you had told him to move one. Not to wait on you. Part of you had just wished he wouldn't. Even though you knew that would not have been fair to anyone. 

“Wait?!” his voice was loud, the sound sudden as it tore through the silence, “loving me scares you?” you stayed quiet for a little bit, thinking back to the things you had just blurted in out during your verbal diarrhoea. Realising you had been more honest than you had intended, you knew the only way to go was to own up to it. And also explaining it. 

“Yes it does” you replied earnestly, a small smile playing on your lips. You could tell that he was hurt and you were quick to continue your explanation, “and you wanna know the best part of that?” you added, keeping an eye on his expressions. Confusion took over his features, making you chuckle. 

“What?” he finally asked after a long silence, confusion taking over his features and most likely his thoughts as well. 

“It doesn't make me want to run” you explained, pausing for a minute to let those words sink in, “For the first time in a long time, it does not make me want to run and hide from those feelings” 

“Why?” he now asked as his expression softened, while he met your gaze. You heart was hammering in your chest, knowing you would have to tell him. You wanted too, you truly did. But again, it scared you. When you had let him go, you knew full well that there was a chance you had lost him forever. Telling him how you felt was, hard, difficult. And you weren't sure he felt the same way any more. But you had already told him you loved him, you could not stop now. 

“I trust you not to hurt me” you mumbled the words fast. So fast that you weren't sure he even understood you. 

“You do?” he whispered, seemingly unable to see why you would. After all not too long ago he had confessed that he hardly trusted himself. 

“Yeah” you replied, placing a finger under his chin and pulling it up so he would meet your eyes. 

“I...” Bucky seemed unable to form any sentences as he opened and closed his mouth several times. Your eyes looking intensely into his. 

“I love you” you whispered. The words were still scary to say. Especially since you did not know how he would respond, but you knew you had to say them. He needed to know.   
For a moment he did not react much. He simply looked you in the eyes, scanning them and your face. As if he was trying to see if you were lying. You could only hope to convey the truth as you stared back at him.   
His hand took a hold of yours, pulling it away from his face. And you wondered if this was the moment that he was going to push you away. Tell you to forget about him. To stop loving him. Or worse, telling you he did not believe you. You glanced down at your hand, still held in his. Your heart beating fast and your mouth running dry as the silence seemed to last forever. 

“I love you too” he said and you looked back up to his eyes. A smile on his face and it brought out a smile on yours. 

“You do?” your voice was small as you uttered those words and he chuckled as he pulled you closer to him. He placed a hand on your cheek, while the other was placed on your hip. Slowly he brought his face closer, until his forehead was leaning against yours. His nose touched your nose and you could feel his breath on your lips as he looked into your eyes. His lips were now ghosting over yours, merely a breath away. With a smile, he closed the distance, placing his soft lips on yours. 

Too soon he pulled away, looking at your face and scanning it for your reaction. After a few seconds his eyes looked back into yours and you smiled at him breathlessly. You grabbed a fistful of his shirt and pulled him back to you, smashing your lips to his. Genrly licking his bottom lip, asking for entrance. Which he granted. You could feel the smirk forming on his face and his arms wrapped around you, pulling you unimaginably close to him.   
Sighing into the kiss, your hands released his shirt and began to wander. One found his cheek, while the other landed on his lower back. 

You were never letting him go again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before I spoke of a epilogue. However I have no plans for one right now. Still, who knows I might get inspired to write one at some point.


End file.
